Christmas Etiquette?

Question

I do not celebrate Christmas for a myriad of reasons, both religious and personal - I am, however, dating someone who does celebrate, but as more of a familial than religious thing. He wants to involve me in the familial gatherings and such, and I am not sure how to do this. How do I handle that this year? I don't want to offend anyone, but at the same time, feel uncomfortable celebrating something I am not on board with. How do I handle the traditions and gifting and other things while not being anti-social or offensive? I want this to go smoothly, but don't want to have to compromise my own beliefs.

Thank you all so much for the kind advice!
To clarify a little more, my religious beliefs are Buddhist, and as such, very non-materialistic. Aside from the non-Christianity aspect, one of my biggest reasons for not celebrating Christmas is that it tends to focus a LOT on materialsm, consumerism, and 'things'. I like the suggestion that one person made about participating wholeheartedly in the aspects of their social gatherings that I can 'get down' with. I would be more than happy to help to clean up before and after, cook, and be sociable. I guess as long as nobody gets overtly religious (they probably won't) or pushes the greed envelope too far, I will be OK and have a good time. You all are right - this is not about a holiday, but about a celebration of family, friends, and love. I am going to try very hard to remember that.

Answer 1

How about if you just give gifts of appreciation, with no holiday message attached, wrapped in plain or generic wrapping paper (a solid color like pink maybe?) And have the gift enclosures or cards say messages like "Thank you for your hospitality," or "To a lifetime of friendship," rather than traditional Christmas sayings.

It's sort of a different thing, but I used to date a Jewish guy, and when Christmas time rolled around, he came over to my house and did the whole gift exchange thing, but all his presents were wrapped in Hanukkah paper instead. We don't go overboard with the religious aspect of Christmas in my family and tend to just celebrate in the Americanized, Santa Claus and Rudolph kind of way, so we didn't do any religious traditions that he could have found potentially offensive, and he actually seemed kind of interested in traditions like trimming the Christmas tree, even if he didn't personally celebrate Christmas himself.

This past Christmas, we celebrated with my mother's boyfriend, who was raised Jewish but is now an atheist. Once again, we just stuck to a nice big celebratory meal and a gift exchange, and kept the whole thing very casual, as a celebration of friendship and family rather than the birth of Jesus.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, participate in as many traditions as you can without compromising your own beliefs. It sounds as though your boyfriend's family won't be doing anything religious, and if the commercialism of Christmas bothers you, hand-make gifts straight from the heart for the gift exchange. I'm sure your boyfriend will fill his family in on your beliefs, and they will do everything they can to make sure you don't feel uncomfortable at any time. Just don't become a "wet blanket" and ruin anyone else's time by voicing your disapproval of Christmas openly during the festivities, and you should be fine.

Answer 2

Hi, well, if I was in your shoes I would approach the situation like this. If your guy knows how you feel on the subject, ask him to let the family know that you would like to be with them during their celebration, however, you do not want to be a part of the "gift ceremony" (by the way, I do celebrate Christmas and I'm on the same page as you girl, seemingly it's become about greed and gifts which erks me, this year I will give from the heart as I am expected to give something). By you being there with them, you are giving from the heart since it's against your beliefs. I would go, help as you say you could and just request that the gift part be left for family only, like before you arrive or after you leave. This way you won't feel uncomfortable to this aspect of it. The flipside is that your guy, should be as open-minded as you and celebrate your Budhist practices with you, because that shows true love conquering all-religion aside-you both should always be content and comfortable in your environments with each other no matter what they bring. Good luck to you with this situation.

Everything happens for a reason, go into it with an open heart and mind and you will seek and find comfort in that.

~sas

Answer 3

I don't not celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday because I am not Christian. However, as a singer, I enjoy singing Christmas music. Since I have friends who are Christian, I often go to parties, etc. I look at it as a social gathering/party and nothing more. If you don't believe in gifts, talk to your boyfriend about that aspect before going. Let him know that you feel uncomfortable with that part and that you don't want to exchange gifts with anyone. (Let them know that you would prefer not to receive gifts as well as not buy them.) You can still enjoy a civil meal together. When the children are exchanging gifts, look at it as a cultural exchange, where you're observing what others do. Since your boyfriend's family doesn't seem to be caught up in the religious aspect, just enjoy the social interaction. Think of it as just another party. It's only one day a year...

Answer 4

OK relationships are all about comprimise. The worst thing you can do is make a big deal out of this. He is asking you to take part because he is very interested in you and wants you to enjoy his family and his family to enjoy you. Be clear and honest about it not being your religious belief and make sure he explains that to his family. Then take part in the fun and party of it but not the religious aspect of it. If you look at it from a historical perspective most things related to Christmas have nothing to do with true Christianity.
Santa Clause - Made up as a marketing devise.
Christmas Tree - Comes from Non-Christian religion but adopted to try to help make chistianity more paletable to non-christians. so on and so on.
So buy a few cheep gifts to give for fun and be thankful when they give you a few cheep gifts and enjoy the party. If they are good people they should not push the religious aspect at you or force you to take part in things that you don't want to do.

And best of all he will owe you...

Answer 5

Christmas is a time to renew the bonds of friendship and family ties. Gifting is a way to show
love. You do not have to acknowledge the season
in order to be a part of it. Celebrate your relationship with your someone. If you are considering being a part of this someone's life then his/her beliefs are part of the package deal.
It is possible to observe a holiday without
compromising your own beliefs. Just do it for
his/her sake.

Answer 6

Think of it this way: why does it bother you if they get overly religious? Is it that it is religious, or is it that it is Christian in particular?

The reason I ask that is because, if I were invited to someone's house for the Hannukah holiday, for example, I would have no problem whatsoever in participating in the ceremonies and the celebration. Does it mean that I believe in their concept of God? Does it mean I have to accept Judaism? No, on both counts. However, if I get into the spirit as they light the menorah, if I get into the spirit of hearing their stories and songs, eating their food, etc., I am not losing anything. I can bow my head when they pray and respectfully sit there and enjoy their company and observing their customs, and I can do that without overtly opposing them or telling them that I do not accept them as meaningful. I know to myself that it is meaningful to my friends, and I respect them. As such, I respect their customs and hold my tongue at these moments, because it's not a religious debate or a theological study -- it is their holiday.

The same is true for Christmas. It is not anti-Buddhist to give or receive a gift. All a Buddhist has to say when giving a gift is "Merry Christmas -- here is a gift I thought you would like." You might not buy overtly materialistic gifts -- maybe you give them something that reflects you, or something you've made -- but, gift giving is not anti-Buddhist. Also, getting a gift is not anti-Buddhist. You can politely thank someone for giving you a gift and tell them you appreciate their sentiment. Then do what you want with it later.

If they get religious -- what do you care? How does it hurt you that they observe their religious holiday. Even if it involved going to church on Christmas Eve, how does that hurt you? You can still be just as Buddhist, and adhere strongly to your belief. Buddhism does not require you to oppose their customs or refuse to accompany them and experience their customs. You can light a candle, and celebrate the concept of "peace on Earth and good will toward man" just as easily as any Christian, and sitting in a church or listening to Christmas carols does not contradict your belief. If they say grace at the dinner table, then you are free to quietly meditate if you want to.

What I'm trying to get across here is that just because you are not of one particular faith does not believe you can't happily participate in their customs. So you don't accept Jesus as your Lord and savior? Does that mean you can't listen to "God rest ye merry gentlemen?" or watch "A Christmas Story" on television?

If you want one guaranteed way to alienate yourself from your boyfriend, then chime in about how you don't like Christmas because of its materialism and get up from the table during grace, disrespecting the lifetime of tradition of this family. If you want to make sure his mother hates you, that's the way to do it. If you want his parents to like you, then go there and thank them profusely for inviting you, get into the spirit of giving, keep your mouth shut during prayers and grace, and sit in church next to your boyfriend and save the theological debate for an appropriate time.

Answer 7

It's ok to just be there. You seem like you want people to respect your beliefs, and it's ok to respect their's as well.

For instance, I have friends that are Jewish (I'm not). They invited my husband and I over for the last night of Hannukah. We had a traditional Jewish meal, his kids lit the menorah, and they sang some Jewish songs. It wasn't a big deal. They weren't trying to convert us, but just wanted us to be a part of their evening. When we left we just said, "Thanks for the wonderful meal and for letting us spend the evening with you. We had a great time." It doesn't mean I was suddenly Jewish or believed Jewish things.

If anyone asks, just let them know you're not Christian and don't personally celebrate Christmas but were honored to be a part of their family celebration. Just don't make a big deal out of it; it will be fine.

Answer 8

I guess there's not much of a way to avoid Christmas with his family forever so I think that you'll just have to sort of grin and bear it. However, I think that you should only give gifts of food (home made if possible) or other small but practical gifts like a new winter hat or socks (necessities). I was incredibly touched last year when my mother made a donation in my name to a charity that helped uninsured diabetics in my community get their medicines (I have diabetes myself). It was so wonderful to know that someone wouldn't have to worry about paying for their meds for a month.

As for the receiving parts - coach your boyfriend to encourage people to give to charity in your name or give you practical items like socks, hats, blankets. Those items that you don't need can be given to the homeless or a charity. Practice smiling graciously and enjoying everyone's company.

Answer 9

Explain to the person you are dating exactly what you said in this question. You are being sensitive to others' beliefs while taking a stand on your own beliefs. If you express this kind of thoughtful honesty, people should respect it. If they do not, they are very narrow-minded and not people who will ever understand anyone else's right to have an opinion that differs from your own.

Answer 10

I'm with you on this. Its been very difficult for me as well (husband's family is into the consumer side of stuff). I celebrate it as Winter Solstice and refer to it as a holiday celebration rather than Chri$tma$.

Solstice is the origin of the December celebration. Christians copied it.