How did you feel when your first peer got engaged?

Question

I am the first engaged person I know, of everyone I went to highschool & college with.

One of my bridesmaids is freaking out because I am getting married in June, but she hasn't had a date or serious relationship in over a year. We are 21 and busy nursing students--we don't have time to tie our shoes most days, but for some reason she is stressed out about starting a serious relationship "before it's too late".

I can't help but think my wedding has put the idea in her head that it's time to start looking for someone. I happened to find my fiancee very early in life, but normally I would never suggest looking for a relationship while you're a serious nursing student at a school that sucks up your whole life!

Has anyone been on either side of this dilemma? Do you think it's normal? How can I help her? What can I say to comfort her without seeming condescending and obnoxious?

Answer 1

I just send flowers and a sympathy card. jr

Answer 2

I'm 20 years old and i'm also a busy nursing student, and about 2 weeks ago I was a bridesmaid in my friends wedding... it pretty much just made me feel like i'm getting old, like i'm finally growing up & I can make those kinds of decisions now. I have a boyfriend and although we're in a serious relationship it's not on the level of getting married [any time soon at least], but i can definitly see where your friend is comming from. Just make sure not to rub how great your relationship is in her face. When ur with her talk more about her than you & your new marriage, it might make her jealous or depressed or something.

Answer 3

She's 21, for goodness sake! What does she consider "too late?"
Remind her you can't force it, it will happen when it's supposed to happen. If she goes on a quest to find Mr. Right, she's only going to find a lot of Mr. Right Nows.
Remind her that she's laying the building blocks for her whole life right now, and that should be her main priority. A young woman who is self-sufficient and self-supporting is a lot more appealing than someone who is shiftless and doesn't know where she is going, only wanting a man to go there with her!
At this stage, she needs to focus on getting through school, and passing the state board. She doesn't have time for anything else! My best friend went to nursing school, so I know what kind of a time and energy drain that is. I barely saw my friend the whole time she was in school. I would go to church with her, mostly just for the chance to see her!
Your friend should just finish school, get her life in order, and the rest will fall into place. You're only young for a short while, she should enjoy it while it lasts.
I was the first of my group, I got married the first time when I was 17. Big mistake. We divorced after 8 years and 2 kids. The kids were all I had to show for those years!
I was stuck doing the housewife and mommy gig while my friends were going to Prom and Graduation, and going off to college! They were comparing Prom gowns and colleges, while I was comparing diapers and laundry detergent! What's so great about that?
Husband number 2 came along about 10 years later. We had 7½ wonderful years together, until cancer took him from me. Except for my kids, I wish I would have waited for my second husband to find me. Maybe we would have met sooner and had more time.
If nothing else, maybe I would have gone to college, and got my act together sooner.
Rushing into a relationship never pays off. If your friend doesn't try to find love, it will find her when she's not looking for it, in a totally unexpected place! That's the best way, trust me!

Answer 4

My story as it relates, I suppose.

The first friend of mine to get engaged was my college roommate for 3 years, we were 21 at the time. None of his friends (including him), had had much luck with women up to that point (and some still haven't). I thought his decision was a huge mistake, and now that they're expecting their first child in December I still think the marriage in some ways is a mistake, but time will tell.

No, I didn't feel an urge to rush to find a girlfriend just because my friend had. That's one of the worst reasons to begin a relationship. I waited until I was ready to date seriously and find someone, and now I'm getting married next summer, and I'm only 24.

It's never "too late", and your friend is just trying to keep up with the pace of your life that she is losing perspective on her own. Don't let being alone cause you to feel lonely.

Answer 5

I have actually been on both sides of this situation, so I have a lot of perspective.

I originally was the first of my friends to get engaged, back in 2002, when I was 22 years old. I was disappointed in how jealous my "friends" acted. One of my friends, when I called to tell her the good news, replied with, "Oh, really? Well, I'm going to grad school," like she hadn't even heard me say I was engaged. The only friend who even acted happy for me was my friend who was also in a serious relationship and was about 15 seconds away from getting engaged herself. In fact, my fiance's brother's girlfriend got so pissed that I had gotten engaged before her that she didn't speak to me for 3 months, until she got engaged herself!!

Well, here's what happened. We started having some issues, and long story short, we broke off the engagement. We got back together only about 3 days later, and are still going strong almost 5 years later, but we still have yet to get re-engaged. Now I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, because in the meantime, almost every friend I have has gotten married. At first it was no big deal to see my friends get married one by one, but now that so many years have passed since we broke off the engagement (and I'm not getting any younger!) it's becoming increasingly painful for me every time a friend announces his/her engagement. In fact, the last time one of our friends got engaged (to a girl he'd known for 2 weeks!) I went out and got drunk with my other girlfriend who's in the same predicament, and then I cried for about 5 hours. Not a good way to solve a problem, but it was all I could do that day. I've spoken to (and fought with) my boyfriend about this on and off for the past 3 years or so, and he keeps saying that he just isn't ready yet. I don't want to be Ultimatum Girl, and I have been in enough relationships with other guys to know that what I have with my BF is special and worth the wait for marriage, but at the same time, I worry sometimes that I'll miss my chance to have children at a young age by waiting around for him to be ready to get married. But he is nearly 2 full years younger than I am, and maybe he does need more time to emotionally prepare for being a husband. His friends are now starting to get engaged, and it won't be long before he's the only one left who hasn't taken the plunge. Maybe that will make him ready- fear of being left behind!!

As for your friend, please try to understand her feelings, but I think that 21 is still so very young, and she has all the time in the world to meet someone nice and settle down. Every time she starts acting up, tell her something you'll miss about single life. For example, say to her, "I always wanted to travel to Europe all by myself. Now I guess I'll never get to do that." Or tell her something you'll miss about having your own apartment, or something. Remind her all the great things about being single and don't get too smug or condescending about having found someone. (Lots of people do it subconsciously!)

Answer 6

all of my friends are married and have kids. it does feel kind of sad because i know a part of my life is missing and i ask why have i not found someone but i still have hope that it will be my turn in time. you just cannot look for love. it will come when you least expect it.

Answer 7

well im 25 and the first of my peers to get married was my first serious gf, for all 4 years of H.S., i didnt go to the wedding

Answer 8

You should feel normal.