How to deal with my extremely resentful 15 yo girl?

Question

About 18 months ago she messed up, was hanging out with bad friends, did some bad stuff, got disrespectful, lied. We had to give a severe punishment. She apologized, said now she could understand she was wrong, promised to change. But I was very upset, hurt and even after the punishment it took me several months to trust her again. I told her flat out she'd have to regain my trust, this broke her spirit, she didn't expect that. I didn't know my trust was so important to her. She got in a deep depression, buy anyway I thought I should be firm, told her I understood how she felt but I needed actions, depression wouldn't solve the problem. She went to counseling, got out of her depression, but our relationship was destroyed. Se found teachers who gave her great proofs of trust, everybody says she's a wonderful girl and actually, now we're proud of her.She's everything parents want, but avoids me is extremely resentful. I tried talking to her, but she avoids me, says I hurt her.

Yesterday I decided to have a long talk with her, though she didn't want. She got very hurt, , cried a lot, said she suffered a lot and I didn't act as a loving mom, didn't give her chance, was unforgiving, broke her spirit. Said everyone makes mistakes and parents should forgive and trust when their kids are really sorry. She was devastated. Things got worse, I know she likes one of her teachers much more than me.

Answer 1

spoilt brat-ignore her-she's waiting for you to cave in

Answer 2

First, you did the right thing. She breeched your trust, and she should suffer the consequences of her actions. A simple apology does not wipe out what happended, and frankly talk's cheap. Trust is something that has to be earned, and your expectations are nto unreasonable. It does sound like she has made an honest effort to change her life. If she is still going to counselling, then go with her. See if you can resolve the issue between the two of you that way. You could also give her opportunities to earn your trust, now that she has proven she can handle responsibility. Give her some kind of reward when she does good. But above all, show her that you love her and will always be on her side no matter what.

Answer 3

Oh please don't buy this. You did exactly the right thing. And she did break your trust, what are you apologizing for? You saved your daughter. You did what you are supposed to when your daughter is in danger. Don't back down now. Its up to her to regain that trust.

Trust is something that is earned, its not instantious between parent and child. You trusted her to not get involved with the wrong crowd, be disrespectful and lie. She did all those things, and the consequenses is that she lost your trust. That's the consequenses of her actions, and as badly as she feels about it, she's blaming you. And she's manipulating you into thinking you were wrong. You weren't, you have to stand firm on that.

I would talk with her again, no matter if she likes it or not. I would explain to her that you are not her friend or a teacher, you are her mother. And you would do it again, and will do it again, if she puts herself in danger ever again. Unless you feel you did something the wrong way, over reacted or were punative in punishment, then you need to set her straight.

Parenting is not a popularity contest. That teacher isn't going to be at her side if she gets cancer, has an accident, gets pregnant at 15. That teacher will not be the one paying her bills, and sending her to college. That teacher will not be at her side when she is a bride nor holding the first grandchild. Its natural for a kid to fixate on their teachers, those teachers don't have to live with them.

Now is the time to start rebuilding your relationship with your daughter. Start letting her earn your trust again. If you haven't told her that you are proud of her, she's a wonderful girl and she is everything a parent could want, then you need to do it now. The point of dicipline is to redirect, not to punish. You did your job, now your job is to nurture her back into your trust. She needs to understand that this is the most valuable gift you could have given her. You need to understand that too.

Answer 4

Make sure she knows you care and maybe you didn't show her how much you cared during her punishment but it was the best thing for her. Point out how much she has changed now and how well she is doing. Make sure to keep talking to her, ask how her day went, what she is doing for her project at school, where she and her friends are going. Make it a point to spend some time with her, whether she wants to or not. It obviously hurt her that you were so strict and she felt it deeply. Now that she has earned your trust, it may be time for you to work on earning her faith in you back. She must feel that you didn't love her during that time. The relationship was destroyed and you both need to work on getting it back. In the beginning it will be only you working on it, but if she really loves you and is just hurt, she will start trying too. She will one day realize everything you did was what you thought was best for her and forgive you. Good luck,

Answer 5

You have every right to have taken months to trust her again! And she has every right to be hurt by that distrust. THIS IS ALL GOOD!!! If you acted like it didn't matter there would be nothing stopping her from 'messing up' again. The fact that she said you hurt her says you gave her a lot to think about. You have succeeded in teaching her that her behavior was unacceptable. She has moved away from that behavior which is what was needed. Now you need to just move on. All that needs to be said about this has been said in the last 18 mos. and now you need to agree to put it aside, whether you agree on anything else that has happened in the last 18 mos or not (agree to disagree on that if need be). At this point, talking about it further will just dig a deeper hole to climb out of. Let a little time fill in that hole.

Answer 6

I think you have already made the first step to make this better. You had a long talk with her. Hopefully it will start to get better from here. I think with teenage girls the best thing is to try to have a very open relationship, sounds like you have lost her trust also. I think all you need is communication. Prove to her that even though something bad happened and she did get punished, she can still talk to you about anything. Me and my mom were like best friends when I was a teenager but when she needed to step in and be MOM, she did and I loved the relationship that I had with her, I only hope I can have a relationship like that with my own daughters.

Answer 7

If kids can make mistakes can't parents also? As parents we do the best we can. She hurt you also by doing the things she did. Tell her you understand her relationship with her teacher but you are her mother and always will be. Tell her you love her and are going to give her some space but that you would like to be a part of her life again. Tell her that part of forgiving is forgetting and that you both need to move forward together.
Maybe you can talk with the teacher to help with the healing process. She should be directing your daughter to share with you.

Answer 8

This sounds a lot like a "boarding" school i attended for 18 months as a kid five years ago where the teachers were supposedly "great examples of truth, honesty, yada yada yada..." when the reality is that many were money grubbing hypocrites. Often times parents can permanently damage their relations with their kids by such "severe punishments." I know my parents worried about me unnecessarily and ended up damaging our relationship beyond repair. Often times places like that can feed off parent's fears for their children (If this first part does not apply please ignore)

Some more general advice: Depending on your specific situation (the specific "severe punishment" it might help to try and explain that you had her best interests at heart, but she might not forgive you right away anyways, perhaps until she is grown up). Time is the greatest healer for relationships. Good luck.

Answer 9

You're still her mother and she loves you more than anyone and anything, so don't let the relationship she has with her teacher get in the way of continuously talking to her. Sometimes kids need to talk to unbiased adults! If she is showing that she can be trusted, then give her a few inches. Let her prove to you that she can be trusted again. Trust me, it doesn't matter how wonderful other people tell her she is, it only matters that her parents tell her.

Answer 10

Sometimes being a parent means letting your kids make mistakes and giving them realistic ways of making it up to you. I did alot of rebelious stuff when I was younger (stole, smoked pot, snuck out..) and my mom got angry but she also got over it quickly.. she let me know frequently that she did trust me and even though I messed up she knew I would be better because she had given me good morals. She knew that it wasn't really personal when I did things, just sometimes (even if you don't like it) kids are gonna make bad choices but they will also learn from them, their mistakes shape them just as much as their accomplishments sometimes. Don't make punishments last too long or else she will resent you. Tell her you are sorry and that you know that everyone makes mistakes and you know that she is a great person. Keep reassuring her and giving her more chances to redeem herself and let her know that you believe in her and pretty soon she will start coming to you more. My mother is my rock and I don't know what I would do without her. Start listening to what other people say.. you do have an amazing daughter I bet..

Answer 11

Just be patient with her still continue your being nice parent to her even she's avoiding you or what time heal wounds. If you can do bonding together as mother and child. Show her how much you loved her that's why you were able to reach that point to straighthen her up because you loved her that much. Maybe other people close to her might help you explain to her for her to really understand that what you did for her is for her own good. Whatever accomplishments she makes make sure you show your appreciation to her.