the birth mother wants to see our adopted child every week, how do we explain this to our child?

Question

We are the process of adopting a four month old infant. I know the birth mother personally and was involved with the pregancy and the birth of our child. She now wants to be involved with child and wants the child to call her mommy. How do I explain this to our child without hurt feelings.

Answer 1

Sounds like she want to get the goods out of your labor. Having you raise the child for her for free, and in the end getting the profit of being called "the mom". Come on, don't let her do that! You're being taking advantage of, raising a child is hard work.
There shouldn't be any compromises, either let her keep her child or sent her pics of her child.

Answer 2

There is something entirely wrong with this. The biological mother isn't ready to give up the baby. It would help to know why she gave up the baby, but the point is, she gave the baby up for adoption. It's not great to be in the situation you're in. You know and have befriended the adoptive mother. Not a good idea. If she wants the baby to call her Mommy and still wants to visit, then she wants to keep the baby.

She's just looking for an easy way out. You'll pay for everything the baby needs, but she still gets to play the roll as mommy. Sorry, not good. Don't worry about the child's feelings right now, worry about the mother's when she realizes that once the adoption is filled, she is legally no longer mommy. Go to counseling with the birth mother, you and husband, and the baby. The truth will be a lot easier on you coming from a professional than you.

Answer 3

I think you should consult an adoption counselor and perhaps go to her with the birth mother. What was agreed to at the onset of the adoption? What has changed about your agreement? What do you mean when you say that you are in the process of adopting? Is this adoption definite and has it been legally agreed to yet? I don't think it's healthy for anyone (you, the child, or the birthmother) for this child to grow up calling two of you mommy. The child needs to know who her mother is and she needs to have only one mother. She can and should definitely be told about her adoption and birth circumstances and she can be told what a birthmother is. However, she needs to know specifically who is in charge and who is her mother. I would be concerned about what the birthmother expects from this agreement. Is she trying to have it both ways, by not having to pay for and care for the child but, still having the child in her life in an intimate way? Does she want the child back but can't arrange for that for whatever reason? And what does she mean by seeing her every week? For how long and where and with whom? Are you anticipating that this relationship, this once a week visitation thing, will go on for years? And will this be a legally agreed to arrangement or just something you'll do? What if you move out of town? What if you are not comfortable about it at some point for whatever reason? What if your kid doesn't want to visit? I think there are lots of strings attached and dangling in this adoption that need to be worked out before this can really be a healthy situation.

Answer 4

Why is she relinquishing if she still wants to be called Mommy? Does she completely comprehend adoption? Open adoptions can work very well, but not if one still wants to be a parent and called Mommy.

I think she needs specialized counseling and I personally would not go through with the adoption until/unless she fully understood the consequences.

In an open adoption, the birthmom is usually referred to and called by first name, and her relationship with the child is most closely akin to an aunt or close family friend. It is not usually co-parenting unless both parties agree to that.

Take a look at www.openadoptioninsight.org

ETA: Our private adoption took over a year to finalize due to only having one probate judge in our county and other things took top priority. Some states, like Texas, have a minimum of 6 months before setting a date for finalization. 4 mos is not unusual to still be "in process".

Answer 5

It sounds like she wants an open adoption. If you're comfortable with that, great...go for it (I think it can be a very positive thing for the child). If you're not comfortable with an open adoption, then you need to say no or get comfortable with it. If you say no to an open adoption, the birth mother may pull out & seek another adoptive family or may seek to parent the child herself (I'm making an assumption that the adoption isn't final yet).

As far as how to handle an open adoption, you can have her in your life (weekly or otherwise), make sure that it's laid out in an agreement how much involvement & whether or not it will be with you there or if she can take the child elsewhere for unsupervised visits. Your attorney or social worker should be able to guide you and refer you to who can help you with these details.

It's generally better to let a child know from the get go that they're adopted & give them age-appropriate information about their adoption story. If the birth mom is involved, this makes it easier in some ways. You just have the child growing up knowing that this is the mama that gave birth to him/her and that you're the mama who is raising him/her. You could tall her the tummy-mummy and you mommy or whatever. If she wants to be known as "mommy" maybe you can come up with some wording for the child to grow up calling you and for him/her to call her (using two different words would be less confusing to the child, probably).

I think that an open adoption can be a very healthy thing for a child. He/she will grow up knowing much more about his/her heritage than most adopted children, he/she will also know that adoption was the loving decision made by his/her birth mom so he/she could have a good life with lots of love and opportunity.

I hope this helps.

Answer 6

Hi. I gave up a daughter in 1999 because I would not have been able to support her financially. I have an open adoption with the family, and they allow me to see her every 6 months. In the beginning, it was hard to see her and know the family was going to have their own child soon. I do not recommend this mother see the child every week, or expect the child to call her "mommy". I couldn't ask the family to make her call me that. I would have felt very uncomfortable. Besides, as one is adopting, it makes them uneasy and worried that the birth mom wants the child back. I occasionally get pictures, and that is okay! That allows the birth mom to see the child is doing okay and with a good home. I am lucky that my family was a good Christian home. They were there for my doctor appointments, and for the birth of my daughter. We also did things outside of the agency we went through like meet for lunch/diner, and go play some pool.

My suggestion is to explain to the birth mom that you won't be able to let her see the child every week. I would make a set time/date that she could see her, but only when you are comfortable with that. Like me, every 6 months is good! Maybe send her pictures just to reassure her. On the whole, "mommy" thing, I would explain in a gentle way that it can't be expected. If she is giving this child up to you, then YOU are mommy to this child. Otherwise, she should have kept this child. I hope this helps a little bit about sharing my story to you! If you have any other questions about it, feel free to contact me. :)

Answer 7

Sorry, but I'd have to draw the line at allowing the child to call her Mommy. And frankly I wouldn't allow weekly visits either. Occasional visits are a different thing, but weekly, in my opinion, is way too much. That's just my opinion though, and I assume you’re probably agreeing to this because you're afraid if you don’t, she'll back out of the adoption. Then again, maybe I’m wrong, and you’re totally okay with all this.

Answer 8

U dont u are the childs mommy but i have a sneaking suspicion that the bio-mom is getting ready to ask for the child back. call the adoption agency u are working with or talk to your case worker and explain what this woman is asking and make sure that u remove this woman from your childs life cause if u dont u may lose the baby u love so much. take care and keep us informed...

Answer 9

As an adoptee and a birth mother, I must say the situation you are completely justified to feel uneasy about the situation you just described, however the part of the statement that concerns me is that you are in the "process of adopting" - does that mean the adoption is not finalized yet? If not, as mentioned previously, provisions should be agreed upon and finalized in the legal adoption agreement. However, at the heart of the matter is the issue of what's best for your family and your child.

I was born at a time when there were no open or semi-open adoptions, so I didn't learn anything about my birthmother until I was much older. However, the greatest gift my Mom (my adoptive mother is always my Mom) was when it was time for my birthmother to be involved in my life - she welcomed her with open arms. As a matter of fact the day my Mom met my Mother, she hugged her and said "Now Julie has TWO moms." I have grown to love my Mother and I cherish the relationship we have built, but my Mom will always be my Mom and nothing could change that.

The best way to approach this issue to establish clear boundaries so that everyone knows and understands their role in your child's life. The birthmother shouldn't be allowed to become a threat to your family, but should instead be part of your extended family somehow as you will always be joined by the child that you both love.

Answer 10

Unfortunately, this is the kind of thing that should have been worked out, agreed upon, and written in a Continuing Contact Agreement prior to placement. Now, you must try to work something out that is workable to all of you.

I suggest you hire the services of a professional at an adoption agency to counsel all of you on the options for a Continuing Contact Agreement. Negotiate what is in the best interest of the child, spell it out in writing, sign it and then follow.

It is not in the child's best interest to call the birthmother who relinquished her baby "mommy". She is not dealing with the loss very well, and this may only get more pronounced as time goes by. Offer to pay for her to receive counseling with a therapist experienced in adoptions, one the adoption agency can recommend.

You have nothing to explain to the child. Once you get the arrangements worked out, just proceed with the occasional visits and contacts. The child will know that this is her birthmother and this is her mommy. Children do not get confused, adults sometimes do!

FYI, seeing her child every week is not adoption. That is babysitting. She is not doing well with this, and must have support and help. I am assuming that you did not go through an adoption agency or this counseling would have been provided, and the Continuing Contact Agreement already written. These are the kinds of services that agencies cover.

Good luck to all of you.

Answer 11

I wouldn't worry about explaining it to the child, I would explain it to the mother that if you are adopting the child, YOU ARE ADOPTING THE CHILD!

When you adopt, she gives up her parental rights and has no say in the child's life. YOU decide when or even if, she is allowed in the child's life.

Explain to her that as she has given up her rights to the child, the child will call YOU mommy, not her. I would talk to your attorney about your rights and if things get out of hand, I would consider not letting her see this child at all.

God Bless You for what you are doing!