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In relation with the beating against the member of our Supervisory Team on the work site, we would like to express our dissapointment toward ABC ltd which cannot control its staff on the work site so that this action happens repeatedly. Therefore we would like to ask PROM to issue a strong warning letter in response to this event so that it would not implicate with the comfort of supervision on the work site.
2007-07-30 16:43:37 · 10 answers · asked by tryme 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Languages
I would suggest:
1.Replace "in relation with the beating" --"regarding the beating"
2. remove the word "against" --"beating a member of our Supervisory Team"--sounds better
3. the word "disappointment" is too mild--consider--"disapproval of ABC" or "condemnation of ABC"
4. replace "this action" with--"such incidents"
5."happens repeatedly" is non specific "happens often" is better
6.Remove "letter in response to this event"--replace with "issue a strong letter condemning such events so they will cease and allow for the proper supervision of the work site."
I hope the suggestions help; however it is still not clear what shall happen if no action is taken by ABC, what will you do--end the supervising contract, sue, or. . .please specify.
2007-07-30 17:38:36 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your paragraph for starters sounds very wordy--so much so that your audience might not understand what you are trying to say. You could use much simpler words, so your message can be easily understood. You also need to let the reader know who "we" is.
Below is a simplified version of the same paragraph:
ABC Ltd staff have repeatedly physically harassed our supervisory team at its work site. Therefore, we urge PROM to issue a strong letter warning them of possible legal action.
You might even give further details. For instance, just how has the ABC staff "beaten" your supervisory team? You would also need to identify who PROM is.
2007-07-30 17:49:53 · answer #2 · answered by Ellie Evans-Thyme 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
inj relation with the beating of the member of our supervisory team( not capitalized) on the work site????occurred in (date)( which work site???) disappointment. who cannot control its staff (on the work site)???? for this reason this situation have ocurred repestedly.
issue a strong warning(no letter) in response to the refered event to avoid this kind of situation to interfere with supervision in the future.
you need to be more specific and to include all the facts and information necesary to make it clear.
2007-07-30 19:24:45 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Disappointment*
I would recommend wordreference.com and become a member of the forums- they are excellent with wordy things ;-)
Sorry I'm not completely sure!
luckynumba23 ;-)
ps: they respond to your question in about a minute usually because there are a few hundred people on at any given time of the day/night!
2007-07-30 16:49:44 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In regard to the beating...... we would like to express our disappointment with ABC Ltd. ...... work site, (insert comma)so that this (violation of policy) happens... it would not (I would use vary, conflict or differ?) with the (comfort does not seem to be a correct word in this situation) (instructions, maybe? or safety?)) of the supervision
The expressions or usage in English are not correct form.
2007-07-30 17:10:04 · answer #5 · answered by Booger 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds good, if you want you could use a thesaurus and find more sophisticated words to replace some of the ones you have.
2007-07-30 16:51:30 · answer #6 · answered by Justin W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"it somewhat is none of your corporation." ok "it form of feels that all and sundry is prepared to a good existence." needs greater counsel case in point "it form of feels that maximum all and sundry is WISHING to stay a good existence." or "it form of feels that all and sundry is WISHING FOR a good existence." "The expenses of short sight between pupils are very extreme in many countries" DOUBLE meaning the two the scholars are slender sighted and can't think of "out of the container!" OR they have eyesight issues! For eyesight issues= "The ratio of short sighted pupils is amazingly extreme in many countries"
2016-10-13 04:20:07 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You do not mention from which language this text was translated?
2007-07-30 17:45:59 · answer #8 · answered by Sabrina(Susananita) 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds good..don't need to change, the point is they get what you're saying
2007-07-30 16:56:32 · answer #9 · answered by comfy c 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it looks pretty good to me..
2007-07-30 16:47:53 · answer #10 · answered by Ryan T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋