Should I have said yes?

Question

my son and daughter-in-law whisked my grandsons off on Saturday down South to see her Mother.That was fine as they do what they like on weekends.
Anyhow I got a 'phone call early on Monday saying that there were traffic delays and my son was taking the train back to work and she would be along later and go into work late.I checked and there were delays so that was alright -

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AhIkwTIjadBP1DHtF8wrp.0gBgx.?qid=20070730001641AAwsNNS

Anyhow I got a 'phone call mid-morning and she was still at her Mothers and hadn't even set off.I told her that I was not waiting in all day just for her to turn up and she said that she could leave the boys with her Mother - they are flying out from down there at the weekend anyway.
I said "No bring them back" (her Mother smokes).
I also had an awful thought : as they are flying on Saturday if there *was* an accident I would not have seen them again.
Should I have said "yes" and had done with it?

Yes Mare - I smell smoke on their hair too after they have been down there and that is on the Monday before school when it has supposedly been washed.That means that she *must* be smoking near to them.

I mean should I have said "Yes" and then not seen the boys for three weeks (if at all again)as they then would fly off from down there.

Well all those saying "get a hobby" - the chance would be a fine thing!
I take them to and fetch them from school and mind them for most of the holidays too and I even took them clothes shopping for her on Friday and then they just swan off down there without letting me know and expect me to sit here waiting for her all day yesterday.
All I am asking for is some respect.

Spais I do not claim to be perfect - it is just that she has seemed to turn on me recently while still expecting me to mind the boys and so on and I am trying to understand why before I have it out with them.
I value the thoughts here and so will continue to post my questions.
Catswhiskers - I don't see anything "unhealthy" with being concerned about your grandsons and I am *not* obssessed - I post about other topics too on here and answer other's questions too which some must appreciate because they nominate mine as "best answers".

Yes R - I know that you have reassured me before about the flying and I believe you but I can't help worrying (and exaggerating I admit but with me sometimes that helps!).
As for the rest - well they are back up here now but she 'phoned me this morning and said that she had found somewhere else for them to go today.Fine by me!
What annoys me is that she asked me to buy their holiday clothes on Friday and I did then when they got stranded down South she suddenly found that she could take a day off work - now she suddenly finds she can find another childminder!
I don't care - the boys will soon be asking to come and see me so in the meantime I can catch up on *my* things!

Answer 1

Its difficult being at somebody's beck and call and getting no respect. It seems you do a lot to help them and its not nice being told by strangers on here to keep out of their business, when you have put so much effort into helping raise them. I've been there and done it (not as a grandparent, but as a step parent) and at the end of the day, have found that i am nothing more than 'convenient' to biological mom, when she wants something done for them, and the next week its a case of 'she is the mother and what she says goes' Now she can go **** herself. I let hubby deal with everything now because it causes too many hard feelings. I've had enough of being taken advantage of by the very spoilt cow.

Answer 2

I'm actually really concerned about something you said...

"Anyhow I got a 'phone call early on Monday saying that there were traffic delays and my son was taking the train back to work and she would be along later and go into work late.I checked and there were delays so that was alright "

Why would you check on traffic delays?
Why was it alright?

Surely if you are told that there are delays, then you should accept that this is true, not check up on it and then YOU decide that 'it was alright'.

Honestly, it really isn't up to you what your son & DIL do with their own children. I understand that you might not see them for a few weeks but you really need to relax over this.

In short, yes. You should have said yes and had done with it.

Answer 3

I know you think you're doing the right thing, but please, please leave your son and daughter-in-law alone! You are driving them away. I answered another of your questions a few days ago, you complained about your DIL in that question, too. Since that was the first question I had seen of yours, I didn't know that you are actually very controlling. Well, I can see it now. If you want to be close to your kids and grandkids you must back off. Be there to help if asked and quit trying to interfere!! Do you or did you have a mother in law? If she acted like you do, would you have liked it? Did you want to raise your own kids or did your MIL? Think about it. And your DIL has a mother, too, just like your son. She has every right to see her grandsons. Just because you live closer, does not give you special rights. Loosen up!

Answer 4

Dang....what do you do all day? Just curious because it seems like you have waaaayyyyy too much time on your hands.

Apparently, your son and daughter in law are of age...you just have to deal with it. I am a young parent myself, 22 and single to boot. I know how stressful life can be. And I also do not understand why the mother allows her children to be in that close contact with cigarette smoke. It's very detrimental to their health...and plus it STINKS soooo horribly.

the way I look at it is, you just have to let the parents deal with their children in their own way.

Are they living with you? ANd why?? There is no reason why they cannot be fending for themselves. I was booted out on my butt with a toddler....I was 19. It was hard, but I learned to survive very quickly.

I now got myself a job, and education, and an apartment. But I had to work for it....

As soon as you get them outta your house, you will become more lenient, I promise. YOu just have to remember that these are not your children, they are there's. They need to learn to bring them up responsibly.

Good luck to you.

Answer 5

Well first of all let me start out by saying... so what if she smokes!!! Secondly the mother and father of the children are allowed to do anything they want with their own children as long as they aren't hurting them. So I guess what I am saying here is I agree with the others on here that you need to find a hobby. You can't live in fear and worry about if you are going to see them "one more time". I know that you love your grand kids but you also have to let the other grandparents spend time with the kids. It sounds like you don't like your daughter-in-laws mother and that this is what it's all about. Maybe you are jealous of the time that she gets to spend with the grand kids.

Answer 6

Joan ,
Please love your grandchildren and understand that nothing bad is going to happen to them. I mean I know as a grandma you worry Alot , but you are being for complisve about it. Do you think that being complusive about everything the boys parents do is good for your grandkids?

You are always talking about the horriable daughter in law but you say nothing about your son other than when he was little. You are always telling us what wonderful sons you raised. Good job but if you rasied such wonderful boys what is your sons take on all these issues that you "complain" about? I mean he has to have his own mind and a view on all this. It seems to me that he agrees with his wife.And that seems to bother you.
Okay the other grandmother may smoke and yeah it may not be the best thing for kids to be around but it isnt the end of the world either. Let other people share in the boys life and love them. They wont love you less I promise.
Everyone worries about their kids and grandkids from time to time but you really need to get a grip on it, it would be sad for one day them to tell you we arent bringing the kids to visit no more or we are going to move away.
If you want someone to respect your opionions you need to start by respecting others as well. Each of you may be able to learn , and maybe your daughter in law will accept some of your opionions if you arent shoving it literally down her throat.
My own mother and I dont agree on everything but she allows me to be the parent and gives her opionion then it is up to my husband and I to decide what is right for our family.

Answer 7

I don't understand what should u have said yes too .There wasn't a question asked they were just telling u what they're plans were..even if they were lying or not.Maybe they r having marital problems and don't want 2 discuss it with u yet.Just be patient and as long everyone is safe it should'nt matter when they return especially if they r staying with u . U should look @ this as a vacation and as 4 the other grandmother's smoking habit she can smoke in her own house and if they're parents allow them around her when she's smoking there's nothing 2u can do about it.

Answer 8

Joan, the traffic delays down south yesterday were horrendous, A1M/M25 etc was almost like a car park when I was 'driving' on it. You are also worrying yourself unnecessarily about your grandsons upcoming holiday, I've noticed all sorts of questions from you regarding this. Please please stop panicking, if you can't trust your DIL then for goodness sake trust your son, he has been raised correctly after all! Maybe you should have said yes to the children coming back, but if we all thought the way you're thinking, we'd all be stuck at home, or only going out on shanks' pony!

Take this time out to relax and recharge your batteries. They'll be fine x

Answer 9

Joan, it's a bit rich to ask respect from someone who you denigrate at every turn.
Even if you don't say the things you post on here directly to your daughter-in-law she must be able to sense your constant disapproval. You refer to her as *she* as if she were something you stepped in.
Respect is a 2-way street Joan and it seems that you want it to be one way.
Couple that with the clear fact that even though people tell you day after day after day how overly controlling, old fashioned and mean you can be you delude yourself that you are always perfect and correct and you have the perfect recipe for a lonely old woman who will never see her grandkids again. You're just storing it for the future. It's not like you're not being warned.
Loosen up!

Answer 10

What do you mean that "they do what they like on weekends." Do they have to do what you say on weekdays?

Your son and DIL are grownups that get to make the decisions as to what they want to do and when.
It's none of your business if their boys stay with their other grandmother. And smoking is not a sign of being a bad person or grandparent. Thats just you finding stupid reasons why they shouldn't be there.
Get a hobby and enjoy your grandsons if the parents decide that you should be fortunate enough to see them. Stop controlling them