How to deal with a controlling mother in law?

Question

My mother in law recently lost one of her sons. Everyone is learning how to cope. Seems that now shes more controlling of the rest of her "kids". They are all growing men. But now she feels lonely and angry because they all married and they are moving on. lately shes being verbally about how she hates her daughters in law to everyone in the town. And she doesnt stop calling the house every morning and night. She invites my husband to have dinner at her house because she does not want to eat alone!! He calls me to see if it is ok! What should I say? It is a routine now. Shes constantly needs control and attention. The other son that is married cant stand her ways neither the daughter in law. Now is me having to deal with this. I have proof that shes talking behind my back. We are trying to put our life together to have a family and a house someday and she offered in "generosity" to sell her house to us cheap. With a condition that she will live there with us!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

She may need time to grieve over the loss of her son.She sounds like she may be fearful of losing her other sons.
Be patient,but don't agree to buy her house under those conditions.
Your husband must set some boundaries where his mother is concerned.
My husband sat down with his mother and explained, as
sweetly as he could,that he is a grown man with a family and responsibilities.He told her that he would always be there for her, but he couldn't be at her beck and call.
She was angry for a while,but she got over it.
My husband and I worked out a schedule for paying
her bills, filling her prescriptions, shopping,visiting etc.
She still didn't like me very much,but hey ,I got over it.

Answer 2

Do not buy her house even if you have to live in a tent! PLEASE do not. she is toxic. This problem only concerns you and your husband. Sometime you need to have a quiet dinner with him ( make a big deal about having a dinner meeting) and ask him how long he expects to continue to be manipulated by her. ( I dont know how recent recent is about the death of her other son) If he says 3 months, then let it go. Give that up . If he is waffling about it and doesnt know and has no plan, then you need to pull out a piece of paper you have prepared with some suggestions.
You can frame the page like a presentation
List the things you have written above such as
1-telling the town how she hates her daughters in law
2-the fact that other son and daughter in law cant stand her and do not take time for her so he is making up for their lack of time.
3-her more controlling ways
Ask if he thinks that it is fair that you have to sufer through this. Be sure to not raise your voice, be calm, smile and look at it as a problem that you both share ( the fact that he called and asked you if he could go to her dinner means at least he values your opinion no? so Im hoping he will see the light)
Say you are concerned that unless he can show you that there is a time limit on this situation with his mother , it will affect your marriage more than it already has.
She is a selfish woman who cares not for her children since if she did she would never want them to be pulled away from their own little families to cater to her needs. I am sick of moms like that. The best moms realize that the greatest thing is letting their children live their own lives. I am so sorry your husband doesnt seem to get it yet but hopefully he will.

Answer 3

This is a tough situation but you have to understand her point of view in order to deal with her. She is used to taking care of her children and husband. First her children moved out and married and then her husband passed. Now with an empty house, she has an empty soul and nobody to take care of. You should talk to you husband. Let HIM know how you feel. That you appreciate what his mother is going through, but that you are now his family. You cannot allow her to put a wedge between you. If she wants to spend time with him, it should be with you too. Maybe you can arrange activities or dinners that you can share together at your house as well. Perhaps suggesting some groups or activities for her to get involved in. If she enjoys caring for her family, maybe you can compliment her 'great cooking skills' and suggest she help out at a soup kitchen or something along those lines.

As far as the house, that is tough because you do not want to feel obligated to her and make conditions worse. But if you can work things out before hand, it could be a good opportunity for you.

...is there room to turn an area into an "in law suite"? haha

Answer 4

oh honey - that is such a tough situation. she's just experienced probably the greatest loss a woman can go through....the loss of a child. it hurts at any age. when you're a mother, i'm sure you'll understand. right now, she's scared to death of losing her other sons and is reacting by trying to be in their lives as much as possible. she's also very lonely. i don't think she's TRYING to be manipulative or mean spirited. i think she's having a very hard time dealing with things and doesn't know who else to reach out to. you and the other daughter in law need to be as loving as possible towards her.

but you need to talk with your husband about all of this. he's torn right now between helping make his mom feel better and knowing he should be spending his time with you. first,i would NOT buy the house and would not allow her to live with you. if you do, you can forget ever having a life of your own or your independence as a family. HE needs to be the one to set boundaries with his mother. he has to talk to her and get her straight. it doesn't have to be a mean talk. it shouldn't be up to you.

Answer 5

I wouldn't worry too much about the talking behind your back. That will hurt her reputation much more than it will hurt yours. At least with the people who really count.

For the rest you and DH need to find some quiet time to sit down and discuss this issue. It sounds like your MIL may have depression from the grief. She may need more help than a companion at dinner or living with you all. Regardless, you two need to discuss how you're going to deal with this as a united family. Once you've settled this between the two of you then you can present a united front to her.

Answer 6

hey girl . first i am verry sad to hear that you have to deal with this. Second, the only one who can stop all this is ur HUSBAND not you . Tell him that your not happy about whats going on . Tell him that he should talk to his mother just like his brother did . An idvice from me, when you talk to him dont be pushyy on him . Thats what i do . and it always works. and one more thing , inviting him to dinner without you . thats an X, and i think that your husband should inform his mom that you are coming . he should'nt ask .
Living with the inlaws , i rather live in one bedroom with my husband the live with one of my inlaws , not that i hate them , but you wont have your privacy and thats the main thing in a couple's life . thats the way it is. i dont know how you feel about it
(forgive my english ) i try my best heheheheh

Answer 7

Wow, I feel sorry for you. Do not, I repeat, do not buy her house no matter how cheap it is. She will make your lives miserable, worse than she is now.

Instead of your husband having dinner with her you should ask her to have dinner at your house. Just bite the bullet for awhile but that way you have your husband at home and everyone is on your turf, not hers. It is also bothersome that she only invites him.

Your brother in law needs to open your husband's eyes to why he stays away and that he should not allow her to be so controlling in his life.

Hang in there and be strong.

Answer 8

The key to your whole question is that you said that your mother-in-law RECENTLY lost one of her sons. This is a tragedy in anyone's life. Just try to do your best to ignore the rest of the crap until more time passes and she is less affected by the death. Maybe she really needs someone to talk to about his death. Give it time. Anything done now would only make things worse.

Answer 9

It sounds like she is grieving and has some mental health issues. My best advice is to talk to a counselor or church minister about the situation.

I agree that you need to respect her, however at the same time you don't need to put up with being told she hates you, etc.

Do not shut her out completely whatever you do. But hopefully with counseling some of this will be resolved.

HUGS

Answer 10

i don't care how "cheap" the house is. don't do it! i'm sure all the boys are trying to cope with the loss of their brother and so is their mom but, they need to set her straight. it's hard to do, especially since she's lost her son but, it will only get worse if they don't. she sounds like she's using this to her advantage and becoming manipulative about it. until something is said to her,try not to let what she say's get to you. always consider the source. does it really matter what she say's anyway?she can only control you and your life if you allow it. im all for respect of elders when they deserve it but you're going to have to shut her down sooner or later and there's no way to do it respectfully. she'll only see things her way.