Is it wrong that I'm choosing not to attend the funeral?............?

Question

My co-worker who I work very closely with just lost her husband in a tragic accident. I don't plan on attending the funeral because personally I feel that the ceremony is a time for close friends and family of the departed to pay their last respects. Don't get me wrong I do plan on attending any gathering after the funeral, out of moral support of the widow (my co-worker). I mean no disrespect, but I feel that is a very private moment that should only be with close friends and family. Am I being too sensetive about this situation or do I have a valid point?

Answer 1

If you have been invited to attend, it is clear your co-worker does not regard a funeral in the same light as you do, and may in fact appreciate your support at this difficult time.

If you have not been invited directly, then it is entirely your choice whether or not to attend.

It is rather like when you have any gathering of people ~ if you are hosting the event, the attendance and conduct of it is entirely up to you. If someone else is the 'host', they get to set the rules.

For many people, a good 'turnout' at a funeral service is very supportive as it shows that people cared about the deceased person and/or the family members who are now grieving, and the absence of someone who is 'close' to the bereaved is often noticed.

It is, in a way, the one thing we can really 'do' for the person who has lost someone.

However, if your own views are so strong you cannot put them aside in this instance, there is nothing 'wrong' with your course of action, it doesn't make you a bad person, just means you have different views.

Best wishes :-)

Answer 2

In this area, the visitation is for anyone who wishes to pay respects. The funeral itself is for closer family and friends. At my father's funeral, we had a military ceremony, the guests who were not attending the graverites waited until the casket was prepared, there was a pause, and at that point they quietly filed out the exit. The graveside rites are for only the closest, and sometimes the death notice in the newspaper will say that graveside rites are private. And the wake is back to close friends and family. In some places, a post-burial dinner is given, and it is for the officient, the pallbearers, and those that attended the graveside rites, and a wake is not held.
If you feel uncomfortable at the funeral, don't go, but it is ok to sit in the back, and slip away when the casket is about to be removed to the gravesite.
The only concern I would have in your way of mourning is that, to some, you might appear to have showed up just in time to catch the free food and booze at the wake, without helping or participating in anything else. There are people who do this, on purpose, just for the free food, and the gossip available at such a gathering..
Could you see your way clear to attend the visitation, if there is one? Or show up at the wake armed with a plate of something edible? Or a little rememberance in a card?
As a co-worker, unless you have worked with the person closely for many years, does have a little more freedom than a friend in attending funerals.

Answer 3

I think it depends on whether you're talking about a chapel service or the actual graveside interrment. As someone who just lost a family member, I believe that the guests are there first and foremost to support the family members who have lost a loved one. Not everyone there does know the deceased. Your presence does mean a lot to them, especially if the co-worker is someone close to you. Generally, the interrment at the cemetery following the service is private and very short just for the family.

As someone already mentioned, if the family wants the service to be private they will state that in the obituary and usually let people know that it is a private service for family and close friends only.

However, if you feel very uncomfortable attending the funeral, I don't think that your co-worker would think you were a horrible person, either. Make sure you are supportive of her in whatever ways you feel that you can be -- send a card, send a donation to a charity that they request or whaver thing like that you feel you want to do.

Answer 4

At the funerals I have attended, it is the gathering following the funeral that tends to be more of a time for the closest friends and family. At the funeral, there may be a variety of people, and especially at a visitation or wake beforehand. Do what you feel is appropriate, I am certain your co-worker will appreciate any support right now.

Answer 5

Attending a funeral is a personal thing and not easy for many people. Maybe there is a viewing or wake that you can stop by to pay your respects. Do send her a sympathy card so she knows you are thinking about her at this difficult time. If you have a chance, talk to her to let her know how you feel about it. Even afterwards, tell her why you didn't attend so she knows there was a thoughtful reason for your not being there. Offer to help with meals or anything else that she might need.

If you don't go to the service, please don't show up later just for the food.

Answer 6

In my family growing up, unless it was an actual family member or a dear, dear friend my parents would pay respects at the funeral home, attend the service but not make the drive out to the cemetery for the burial.

You could get a nice card and explain your feelings about funerals in it, in a nice letter while also attempting to make her feel better.

Answer 7

Funerals are open to all to pay their respects. I wouldn't feel right to attend a gathering afterward if I didn't attend the funeral. It is important for the family to see and be comforted by those who come to share a difficult time. I think you are being overly sensitive. Go to the funeral.

Answer 8

Personally, I thnk you're being insensitive rather than too sensitive. When a family wants privacy they say if plainly enough in the obituary. The gathering of friends and family of those who have lost a loved one in a tragic accident lend moral support when it is most needed. And don't think it's all over when the deceased is buried. It's when they've all gone home that your friend will need you the most.

Answer 9

You have a valid point. If you do not feel comfortable about going to the funeral than by all means don't go. There are other ways to let your co-worker know you are thinking of them at this difficult time. Anything you decide to do will be most appreciated i am sure.

Answer 10

If you cannot or choose not to attend the funeral, make a dish and take it to the repass after the burial. Ask your co-worker where the repass will be held. Make sure you give her a sympathy card also. You can even enclose a check in the card if you like.