i need some advice?

Question

okay i have been with my bf for 4yrs and we are talking about marriage and went engagement ring shopping . he is a really great guy to me and treats me like a princess. BUT One huge problem is his parents. Curently he works out of state and is home every other weekend, but they want to make him do everything for them. they also try to control his life and what he does. So, our time together is limited. I understand he has to help parents but isnt there a limit?? Anyways i ask him if things are going to change when we get married and i am going to always come first and he said Things have to change right? i was like but will they and he said he didnt know. I mean we will be living in another state when we get married and wont come home often. but should i just deal with things or what?? i mean will things really change when we get married or stay the same or get worse?? i know i should talk to him but would like any advice anyone you guys could give me

i just am unhappy with how his parents are treating him. Its like he is 5yrs old or something. they dont treat him like he is 24 yrs old. will they ever back off??

to make this clear his parents are not ill in any way they are two heathly adults. They just wait for him to come home and make him do everything for them. they also use the u guys arent married so u dont need to see eachother all the time excuse!! his dad asked him when he was going to marry me and said he will help us out. Yet they keep him away from me it seems like................

Answer 1

Believe it or not, there is a huge difference between dating someone and getting married. There is even a huge difference when you get engaged. Legally speaking, you will become his next of kin when you get married. That means that you will be his family. Even if you aren't a huge fan of his parents. Its kind of nice that he puts his family first. That's a huge indicator of what his future actions will be like. Right now, like it or not, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, because I don't mean for it to, but you're just his girlfriend. His parents gave him life, supported him, and made him who and what he is today. When you become his fiance or even better, his wife, I think this behavior indicates that he will put his family obligations first, namely you. Try to appreciate that he is the kind of man that cares about where he came from and the people who got him where he is. Maybe make even more of an effort (because I'm sure you've made some effort already) to get close to his parents. If they're that important to him and he is important to you, then having them be important to you as well will only push the two of you closer together. Any other reaction could only serve to pull you apart. Remember that marriage is the joining of two families, not just the joining of two people. Embrace that and see what happens. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

As long as he lives in his parents' house, they will think that they own him, and they will demand the majority of his time and attention. I am willing to bet that he is not willing to stand up to them.

If he does not cut the umbilical cord, then you cannot expect things to change when you get married. Marriage can actually increase the competition, and the wife is typically at the disadvantage.

Have you considered couples' counseling?
His ambivalence (he doesn't know if things will change after you are married) is a red flag. Is this guy actually thinking of moving out of state away from his parents? You need clarification.

The only way to assure change is to move out of state and limit contact until that relationship dynamic can shift.
Is there a way you can move to be closer to where his job is? Are there jobs you can work at in that area?
On one hand, being closer to him could give you more time with him, but you have to avoid being used as a "pit stop". I do not recommend cohabitation without an engagement ring and a set wedding date.

Your note does not describe your ages, but if he still isn't any closer to cutting the apron strings after 4 years of exclusivity, I doubt things will change. If there is no way to remediate this scenario, you may actually do better to start seeing other people. Maybe if he sees that he could very well lose you, he might step up to the plate.

Answer 3

They will never back off, so long as your boyfriend lets them treat him like that. The ball is in his court. HE has the power to deal with this, and there is not a lot YOU can do about it aside of talk to him and find out where he stands. How does he react to them now? Does he always give in? Have you talked this over? How is he going to treat this situation in the future? Does he have a plan for dealing with this when you are married? Are you always going to come first? The thing is that things DON'T have to change. Your boyfriend has to take a stand. Talk to him. Find out the answer to these questions, and you'll know what marrying this guy will be like. Then you'll have an important decision to make. You might consider getting some couples' counseling before you decide to marry this guy. Otherwise, you might be marrying him AND his folks. Good luck!

Answer 4

They should back off when your boyfriend hopefully starts to show them that he needs to focus more on you and starting your life together. It's not your place or your responsibility to worry about whether his parents are ever going to let go. If it gets to be a really big problem, he should probably let them know that things are going to have to change soon if you're talking about marriage and ring shopping. But if he doesn't want things to change and refuses to kindly remind his parents that he needs to live his own life, he may need a little more than a push and you may have more of a problem then just his parents. Bottom line though, if you're really considering marrying him, be careful of how your portray yourself. You don't want his parents to think their son is dating a control freak (not saying you are but parents tend to think that sometimes!) Good luck!

Answer 5

Things will likely not change. We women think we can make things change and we cant. I hope to goodness his parents arent ill to the point they really need his help or else you are the one with the problem. But if that is not the case, I would not marry him. If you are a Christian, then you know that the Bible says we will leave our parents and cleve to our spouse. When you marry someone they should come first. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Answer 6

My mother tries to play games like this with me and my Future MIL does the same to my fiance. Makes us both crazy. They are constantly trying to run our lives and tell us how to do things, INCLUDING the raising of our son!

I like both moms, but they're control freaks, and their inability to keep it in check has forced us to cut them both out of our lives a lot more than we'd like to.

It's time for your man to step up and talk to his mom & dad about the issues if he doesn't agree with them, or at the very least, start making excuses as to why he can't do X, Y & Z that they think he should do, if he doesn't want to confront them entirely.

This is something you DO NOT want to wait until after the wedding to work on, because if nothing changes, or if it changes for the worse, this could turn into a relationship breaker real fast. If you work things out like mature adults (and I'm sure you both are), even if you have to take it slow & gradual, you will get through this, I'm sure. Just don't try to force your man's hand though. If a mama's boy has to pick between his girl and his mama...he's going to pick the one who's ALWAYS been there for him, so that's not a choice you want to push him to.

Answer 7

You're walking on a thin line here. While I understand what you're saying, keep in mind, they are his parents and any attempt to speak bad of them or "take their son" from them (in the manner of you trying to keep him away), will reflect badly on you, and will possibly cause resentment and problems in the future. He probably feels compelled to help them - and if he's not saying anything to them, then it's not your place to say this. You say you're going to be living in a different state, so there's your answer. How often would you really be seeing them? Once in awhile? Once a month? Either way, it doesn't seem that often. I'd try to let it go, without grilling your boyfriend about how "things are going to be". Noone ever knows that.

Answer 8

NOTHING will change just because youre married. marriage only complicates things and if there is not a strong base in the first place then theres really no point in getting married. i promise you, it will only get worse. if he can stand up to his parents now and make it clear to them that hes a grown man who needs to do things on his own and cannot possibly be there everytime they call, then hang on to him! if he cant/wont do that, then start looking elsewhere, cause like i said, nothing will change just because youre married and if you think it will, youre too naive to get married in the first place.

Answer 9

I would ask him to start making changes NOW. Don't commit to an engagement until you see that his is truly able to make you #1 in his life.

Otherwise, things will never change. Don't resign yourself to a life of misery. If you are unhappy now, you deserve to move on and find someone who is a better match for you.

Best of luck

Answer 10

If your boyfriend does not take any specific ACTION to change things, they will NOT change. Families are a funny thing. His parents have certain expectations of him, and as long as he goes along with it, things will continue as they are. HE needs to decline to help them so that he can live his own life now. If they need help, they need to ask other people to help sometimes.. or HIRE someone to help. Otherwise, he will always live for them. Which is unfair to himself.