What is a good way to maintain civility being atheist/pagan/agnostic around religious family members?

Question

I rarely attend any family functions anymore, because I come from a clan of die hard fundies, and even my generation is pretty much hard core bible thumpers.

I am spiritual, not religious. I would like to for once attend a family reunion without having to explain why I don't want my daughter to go to Sunday school with the rest of the kids, and why we won't be at the church either for services. I am also tired of the fire and brimstone speeches, but I don't want to be rude. I want to be respectful, but blunt about how I feel. And that is, I don't enjoy people forcing religion down my throat, or my kid's.

My main concern is a really religious Christian aunt who thinks even my baby's Dora the Explorer videos are "evil", and she will whisk her kids out the room if I put that video on for my baby and shoot me and my child both the stinkeye. How do I deal with this?

Answer 1

If she's offended by Dora the Explorer (what could *possibly* be offensive about that? It's not that I don't believe you -- I've heard some fundies tell me how offensive my interest in Greek mythology was, but still), then that's her problem. Put it on and ignore her dirty looks, or else force her to explain to you exactly why she finds it offensive. Then ask her to tell you something that is not offensive, and then show how the two are basically the same. You'll catch her in a contradiction.


As for the rest, just repeat yourself if you have to. Getting through to fundie family is not worth the effort, I don't think. Myself, I pretend to be religious when I'm around my family.


Edit: For those who still think religion deserves a special position in society, and that the religious never do any harm, read this thread. The asker was being treated like crap for not being Christian, and several of the answerers told her the solution was to give MORE respect to the Christians treating her that way!

Answer 2

I am a Christian although I don't think I would be classified as a "fundie" or a "bible thumper". I think your relatives need to get a grip and respect the way you are raising your kids. It's those kinds of Christians who try to force it down people's throats that gives the rest of us regular Christians a bad name. I would let your family know in no uncertain terms that religious discussions concerning your children are off limits and that you prefer to keep things light and avoid the conversation all together at functions. As far as the Aunt and her stink eye and the "evil" Dora the Explorer, just ignore her. She sounds like a screwball and it won't be long before your kids realize it too.

Answer 3

You've already found the answer and don't realise it. Put on the Dora the Explorer videos! That will keep your aunt out of the way at least.

Secondly, never argue with them. Let them believe as they wish to. Otherwise you have no right to expect them not to preach at you or argue with you. So don't do it to them, then you'll have a leg to stand on when you insist that they don't do it to you either.

For the others, every time they bring up the topic, simply say "This topic is not open for discussion with me. If you'd like to discuss other topics, I'd be glad to." (and don't start this out by saying 'Im sorry', either. don't apologise.)

If they persist, warn them one more time, say exactly the same thing but also adding that you will be forced to leave if they do not abide by your wishes.

If they continue, then leave.

You may have to do this several times, and especially after the first time you may get phone calls from upset relatives about it.

If this happens, say the very same thing again. "This topic is not open for discussion with me. If you'd like to talk about the weather or any other topic, I'll be glad to stay on the phone. Otherwise, this conversation is over." Then say goodbye and hang up if they continue on with the condemnation or religous stuff.

Just remember BE CONSISTENT! Don't do this sometimes and not others. Do it ALL the time, and soon enough, they will stop or you will not have to worry about being around them anymore anyway. But BE CONSISTENT! Never back down, not even a little bit, or they will walk all over you.

Good luck! Be strong!

Answer 4

That is a tough one. First of all, I am a Christian but would never treat anyone, family member or not, like that. I apologize to you for the grief you get. Back to the problem. Can anyone in your family be your ally, an advocate for you and your child? I don't mean religiously, I mean in civility. Your mom, a brother or sister, a close cousin? Ask them to vocally support you in such situations. Or this: Prior to a gathering, write everyone a heartfelt letter. Tell them what you told us (but don't call your aunt Old Stinkeye). Tell them you'd like everyone's respect just as you will give them yours. Appeal to the better side of their nature. Perhaps that would work. Hope this helps.

Answer 5

I have an aunt that I suspect is a closet atheist, i.e., she doesn't pretend to be religious or anything but she doesn't come right out and say she's atheist, either. Just clues I've picked up on... I'd like to approach her about it but am unsure how to do so. I have an uncle that is agnostic/atheist, and I was surprised to find out about that, but at the time I was still christian, so ya know, I was always surprised to find out someone wasn't a theist.

Answer 6

Dora the Explorer evil??? Oh my...I guess teaching our children diversity is evil, then.

I feel terrible that you have to deal with these sorts of things at family functions.

My ex, who was Southern Baptist, and I lived together for around a year and his family was full of fundie Bible-thumpers. His father was the worst. He loved to talk about his faith and at the time, I was not a confirmed non-believer. I was still searching and exploring my beliefs and he was constantly pushing his on me. It was very confusing and unnerving considering I had no idea what I believed at the time. Now that I am strong about my beliefs I just wish I had the chance to have spoken with him intelligently about my beliefs one on one.

Perhaps you should try a respectful conversation about your differences with the family member that you have the most problems with or the one that you feel closest to. Just be open and honest about how their treatment makes you feel.

Good luck!

Answer 7

You could probably start with respecting their beliefs, rather than referring to them as "die hard fundies" or "hard core bible thumpers".

Secondly, the only thing you can do is politely tell them you'd prefer not to discuss religion. Otherwise all you can do is nod, smile, and politely excuse yourself. My in-laws aren't religious, so I don't bring it up around them. If they're curious about something they know they can ask. But your family shouldn't be "shoving it down your throat" either. Once you've explained your position, the issue should be dropped.

Answer 8

Well the best way would be to not bring religion up. If they start to harass you about religion just tell them that you are not Christian. If they keep bringing it up you can just tell them that you believe something different than them and if they don't want to drop it then they are obviously more interested in trying to convert people than being on good terms with a family member.

And as far as your daughter not going to Sunday school, just say that you want to give her a chance to make her own choices when she is mature enough and that you'd rather have her raised secularly so that she can decide if she wants religion in her life when she's older.

Answer 9

it's amazing how the most devout religieous people are almost always the most bigoted, narrow minded and ignorant. if these people can't respect you and how you choose to raise your kids you need to just not deal with them as much. these are the same christians who would have stood with the pharasees against jesus for helping the samaritan on the sabbath and if their religieons are more important to them than being with you and your kids that should tell you all you need to know. DON'T EVER let them pressure you into converting into something you don't believe in. did you know only a FEWof the founding fathers were christian? look it up! most of them were DEISTS or believed in the right NOT to worship if you didn't want to. it's what the city of providence was founded on and imagine if the country practice that ideal.

Answer 10

Ignore them. You're on your own. I know it sounds sad but they are at fault for being irrational. Irrationality is an individual choice. If they choose to alienate themselves from the thinking civilized world that's their fault.

Deal with them until the subject comes up and if they do bring up religion say "Look, I've broken it down for you simply and step by step why God does not exist. The act of believing in God is an act of wiping out all of identity and it is essentially nihilism. I can't sit back and watch people justify Sept. 11 and countless other murders in the name of a God. Believing in God is a free ticket to rationalize any violation of an individual's right to decide for themselves how to live. So f off." Or something like that.