Why does he still contact her??

Question

So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a little oveer a year now. We are both pretty serious about continuing our relationship to a higher level. When we first met we were just casual friends, and co-workers and he told me about his previous life when he lived in a different state. Long story short he has a friend they have been friends since high school and its now 10 years later they still keep in touch. I pushed away the jealous tendencies of a female and let her call the house and so on.
Recently I found out that at one point they were more than friends and if never in a serious relationship they were :friends with benefits". Now i feel uncomfortable with her calling my house. I explained it to him and her and after some bickering he came to understand my point of view.
It's been a couple of months since this conversation and she's emailing em wanting to talk to him . How do i nip this in the butt, and let him know that I am serious!!!!

She lives down south and we live up north so they wouldn't be hanging out... but what if she's saying things to him on the phone?

Answer 1

First off, congratulations for seeing this thing for what it is and that it must stop. You have to be the adult here.

You say this. "If you love me and I am the most important thing in your life, as you are with me, you will not have contact with her anymore. I would never do anything that would make you feel the way you make me feel when you have contact with her and she is still part of your life. It hurts me and if you love me and want us to stay together you will realize this now and stop this relationship with her now."

You are totally right! He has no reason to continue to be in touch with her. This sounds like it was a sick relationship from the past and he perhaps might be too weak to cut it off. He doesn't need to have any kind of big discussion with this old girl friend. He simply needs to stop replying to her e-mail, don't return any phone calls or acknowledge any other contact with her. She will get the message. She knows he is with you now, and she will figure it out. If you don't have it, get caller ID and don't take any calls from her. As for e-mail, it is very easy to block someone's e-mail or have it put in the trash without seeing it. He can always get a new e-mail address and not inform her of the new e-mail address too.

If you get any sort of "attitude" about this from him further at this point or see no improvement, dump him. You deserve far more than this from a relationship.

Answer 2

I think in general, when someone can get away with something, guy or girl, they will do it. Since you've already told him your issues and he says he sees your point of view, it's more like going in one ear and out the other.

I would understand, if this relationship existed before you and nothing happen, that it may be all right. But since they have slept together and you're not okay with it, then talk to both of them. Again. And see what they say.

If the bf is serious about you, he'll go out of his way to make his friend understand. That one phone call too many is jeopardizing his relationship with you. And if she is a good friend, she will back-off.

I am in the same situation right now, although I am the other girl. We both decided it was best that we not speak to each other anymore to keep his marriage harmonious (I've known him more than 6 years or so). And that is one sacrifice a friend can make, so that his/her friend would have his relationship intact. This is against my own conviction that I will not give up my friends for my lover. But this time, since I am the friend, I cannot dictate my friend's opinion and when I look at our situation, it was best that I leave.

If your bf's friend was a guy, don't ever ask him to give up his guy friend. THAT is a losing battle.

Answer 3

i have been dating the same guy for 3 years now. he had a friend kind of like the one you are describing. he and she use to work together, then she moved away. funny thing is, i never knew about her. on the way home one night, his phone went off, and i noticed he had a voicemail. i asked him if i could listen to it, he said he didn't care. and this is what i heard, " hey bobo, this is jaja, just calling to see what ur up to. call me back when you get this. love u, bye." i was a little upset, ok, i was angry. point is, i kept my feelings about it bottled up inside, until he came over one day. i told him how i felt, and he insured me it was just a friendship thing. he still talks to her, but i have met her, and i don't have to bad of a problem with it anymore. what i'm trying to say is, they are pretty good friends. and i don't want him giving up a good friend for me. i love him, and i want him to be happy. so, if ur sure there is nothing but friendship going on, i wouldn't be to worried about it. but if theres more let him know that u love him (if thats how u feel), but u can't live with whats going on.

Answer 4

He needs to make a choice - whether to make a commitment to YOU, or cut it off so he can be "casual" with HER - you have every right to be uncomfortable with him and her - if he truly understood WHY you are not OK with her, then WHY is she still around at all??

HE needs to EXPLAIN to this girl that he is in a serious relationship NOW, and that what is PAST is PAST, and it needs to STAY THAT WAY -

IF he can't or won't do that, than HE too is being disrespectful and selfish towards you - I'm sure you can do better than that - kick his sorry behind to the curb.

Answer 5

I definitely would feel a certain way also. Now calling the house I can not do. The e-mailing wouldn't give me a problem. Tell him once again that you can't take that emails and see if he respects your wishes. In my opinion I think he still has a strong connection with this other female that may be hard for anyone to break.

Answer 6

It may make you uncomfortable but you have to realize that she was there first. As long as the conversations are not inappropriate then you should take into consideration that this is a long standing friendship. Forcing him to give up a friendship that is that important will only cause problems for you guys. Just monitor what they talk about . Do you trust? If you do then learn how deal with your jealousy.You said it yourself, what they had as more than friends was never serious but what you have with him is.

Answer 7

Just do exactly that...nip it in the bud and tell him its unacceptable and ask him how comfy he would feel if a guy you messed with was in contact with you frequently. Tell him flat out that this is not the sort of thing you want to deal with and it wont make the realtionship happy...just be honest because if not down the line..its going to get worse. Men do as much as they can and as much as we accept..if you cut it now your doing a smart thing. pay attention tot he fact that he omitted a very important factor in their relationship....Keep your ears open and your eyes peeled.

Answer 8

I been through this with my ex, let him know that he has to make a decision and if he wants her to go be with her, too many fish in the sea, don't let the fact that they were together before you dictate how our relationship with him goes, actually they should have no reason to talk unless they have a child together.

Answer 9

Well, you can't be mad at him at this point - he did stop talking to her (if I'm understanding your message correct). She contacted him and that you have no control over.

Either he needs to change his email address (perhaps number too) and/or you can send her a message and tell her to be mature and respect your wishes.

If he really cares about your feelings, he'll go along with it and if not - then now's the time to reconsider your relationship.

No woman dies without a man.

Answer 10

First off.. they COULD be Just Friends... Highly doubt it but if you TRUST him then you Have to let him have his space. Just keep an eye on it and ask him if it is okay that you check his e-mails and let him know that you still feel very uncomfortable. In any relationship, trust, honesty, and COMPROMISE are the Keys*. If I were you, I would let her talk to him, but if anything suspicious or if she steps over the line, Tell her to either back off or Re situate her angle to your man.

Good luck. If you REALLY HONESTLY LOVE HIM-- You HAVE to trust him...
>:D<