My manager keeps trying to make me go to lunch with her, how do I tactfully make that stop.?

Question

She asks inane questions, spends time discussing her childhood, and forces me to hug her after a chat about her personal issues and how they affect her treatment of people at work.

I have a hard time tolerating this at work, I really don't want to go to lunch with her. The only time we did go to lunch she tried to delve into my personal life and got upset when I politely steered the conversation away. I have been putting her off for about a month because I have been sick but she is getting extremely insistent.

How do I tell her no? Can I?

Also, she never asks the male member of our department to go to lunch or have these chats.

Answer 1

In corporate environments, "Lunching" is almost a requirement. I hate it...but I have to do it too. It seems here that the meal is less of a concern than the personal way she approaches you. Ask for a private audiance with her, and explain kindly that, although you appreciate that she likes you enough to want to share stories, you would prefer to keep things strictly professional for the sake of the business. Being she's a manager, she will likely understand.

Answer 2

I agree that it sounds like she's looking for a friend. Some managers spend so much time at work or working on projects dealing with work that they don't have a personal life, or the lines between their personal and professional life start to blur and disappear. As for discussing how her issues affect how she treats people at work...that is not appropriate conversation for her to be having with you.

As a manager, I was warned about lunches and other time spent with the people I supervised. I've seen careers go down the drain that way. Personally, I eat in office, alone, and usually working on something. I could eat in the lunchroom with everyone else, but I figure employees should have a refuge away from their boss.

I'd tell her, in the most non-offensive way possible, that you don't feel comfortable having lunches with her because she is your manager. Tell her you'd rather not talk about your personal life because you to ensure she judges you on your quality of work alone and not other factors in your life. She may be put-off at first, but if she has any scruples at all, she'll be able to see the intelligence in your decision.

Answer 3

Sounds like she's either insanely curious about you or wants something from your company at lunch.

Out of curiousity, are you married or having a serious relationship? (this would give you the perfect excuse...)

If you really don't want to have lunch with her, there are a few things you can do. #1 is to say that you are way behind and you have to take lunch to try and catch up (you can do this only 1 - 2 times/week or it gets too obvious). #2 Is to go out to lunch by yourself and say (if asked) that you are meeting your husband/boyfriend for lunch. #3 Bring something really stinky to lunch and tell whoever asks that you have to eat it for health reasons (best way I have seen to drive people away!)
#4 Arrange to have lunch with someone else, then when the manager asks, tell her that you will get back to her on when you can (and then somehow forget to get back to her)
#5 Develop a food allergy or suddenly have to go to the washroom (to throw up or some other embarrassing bodily function) if the manager tries to corner you.

If after a month or two she doesn't get the hint, then go to her manager and say that she's being obnoxious to the point of harassment (and use the H word, its gets attention). That kind of behaviour is pushy, and tolerance for it should always be in short supply. If my manager started doing that, I would start looking for another job!

Answer 4

You can tell anyone "no" about anything if you keep doing it in a courteous polite way.

You don't have to give a reason.

Just smile and say, "No, I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it" every single time and walk away cheerfully. Try not to be alone when she comes up to you as well (if possible).

You don't want her to become emotionally dependent on you or to take the role of being her parent/confidant in some way. That is unhealthy.

You should also document what days she asks you, too, on something private, so that if she trumps up some charges against you, you will have something concrete to show what the real problem is.

Answer 5

You may want to consult your HR department about the best way to handle this situation. Or, you could come up with a reason that you can't go out for random social lunches. For example, my company has a gym that I go to every day during my lunch break. I only skip when there is a lunch I want to attend. If you don't have a gym at your work, start using your work hour to go for walks - bring your mp3 player with so that in case she wants to walk with you, you can say that you are listening to a book on tape or a meditation thing and prefer to use this as your alone time during the day.

Answer 6

Try to resolve this yourself between you and her by telling her that while you appreciate her inviting you to lunch, that you would prefer to keep things "just business."

If after your chat she does not get the message, I would talk to HR or her supervisor.

What did you do before you started going to lunch with your manager? I would start doing that again - or bring your lunch (you might even save some money!) or just take a quick walk around the block to get some fresh air and get out of the office.

Good luck!

Answer 7

She sounds like she needs a best female friend, and she is demanding that you fill that need.
I think you are right not to let her in on your personal life. She has issues that don't need to become your issues.

Can you go home for lunch? If so, that would be a chance to get away from her.

If not, then you may have to tell her that you prefer to eat alone or something like that. You may have to transfer or get another job if the problem continues.
If you feel that this is sexual harassment, you may have to speak privately to her superior. You may want to file a suit against her or the company if it is warranted.
No manager should be putting this kind of expectation on an employee. You are not obligated to be her confidante or best friend.

Answer 8

So what she is your manager. You don't have to go if it is personal. Be honest with her. Tell her you respect her as your manager and that you don't want to seek a personal relationship with her . That's all you have to say. I agree with the person above about documenting these encounters. If she ask why tell her you don't want to and stress the word "no." That's it that simple.

Good Luck

Oh yeah my brother who was GM got fired from hanging out with his employees...and its like that in the military too... there is a line between management and employees

Answer 9

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Answer 10

Just tell her that money is really tight right now, and you can't rationalize spending extra money on a lunch out (even if it's only $4.99 for a burger and fries). Tell her you're on a very tight/strict budget, and that when things settle down and you get caught up with your finances, you'll let her know.