My daughter thinks I am abusing her..?

Question

She is 17 and has a 1 1/2 year old son, And I make her work and save money and I make her buy everything she needs for her self, including food and bathroom things (except toilet paper)

She thinks I am a bad mom because of this, She says I am only do it cause she has a baby and and I am trying to punish her , that she knows lots of teen agers with baby and there parents do not make them buy anything, other then what the baby needs.

Also since I have gotten tired of doing EVERY dish in the house I have given her 1 plate 1 bowl, 1 knife, fork, and spoon and 1 cup. She can have use the pots and pans that are in the kitchen but has to wash them alone with 'her' dishes. She thinks this abuse too.. I have told her is she does not wash out the pots and pans she uses then she will not be able to use them and will have to get her own and wash them or I will leave them dirty in her room.

Wait there is more..................

having been told by her that "I would have clean clothes if you got off your lazy a$$ and wash then"

Since then I make her do her own laundry, I some times do some of the babys but not often. And I have not washer and dryer at home which mean she has to take then to the laundry mat down the street. I drive her and pick her up. I have also given her laundry soap.

I bought her a car, $100.. She can not drive it until she gets her GED and has $300 in the bank and gives me half of $200 to start up the car insurance which of course she will have to pay for.

She thinks I am the worst mother in the world and has told me this.. OFTEN..

She says it is a form of abuse that I make her do these things.

I try and explain to her that NO, this is what an adult has to do and if she wants to be treated like then this is what happens.

So... am I being abusives..

Answer 1

Kmennie... That is the PROBLEM with kids today.... to many folks try to be FRIENDS with their kids, when the kids need PARENTS! Guidance, discipline.... not buddies. I'm not sayin one can't be friendly with their kids... but know when to be a friend and when to be the parent!

You go, Cathy-Rose! Though you may want to consider trying to get child-support out of the creep that helped your girl into this situation!

Answer 2

In no way are you being abussive. Thing is that my 7 year old and her sister have their own dishes, they help with the laundry, and they earn money for their chores and sometimes they buy what ever they want with it - they have bought certain food items that they wanted, that I was not willing to purchase (such as oreo cookies, goldfish snacks, and other things like that). My point is that if she thinks that you are being abussive, then what the heck would she think of me?

Also by the time I was 17, I wasn't pregnant but I had a job, was buying my own clothes, doing my own laundry (purchased my own washing powders), buying some of my own groceries, paying a cell phone/pager bill, used my mom's car but paid a portion of the insurance and paid for my own gas, and so on.

Tell her to get off her high horse and take responsibility. My parents never had to MAKE me be responsible - it just came naturally. You didn't make her lay down, have sex, and get pregnant. I don't care if she is a teenager - she was responsible enough to have sex, she should have been responsible enough to use protection.

P.S. I was 18 when I got pregnant with my first child, and I moved out when I was 3 months preg with her and made a life for myself. parents didn't kick me out - I chose to move out. Maybe you should show her this and she will see that you are not abusing her, but trying to help her out.

Answer 3

Interesting way of handling this. For me I would have probably sat down with the household bills ..all of them and had them listed and totalled up to show her the figures. House payment (or rent), utilities, phone, groceries, car payment ...anything that she had use of. Then I would have said ok, your an adult now living in the house so we will do a % of your earnings to contribute to running the house to teach you when you are on your own how to manage your money.
As for washing dishes, I would make that a joint venture after the meals...saying when all is finished eating, Ok, time for us in the kitchen...that also gives you two good bonding/talk time which sounds like could be helpful there. For babysitting which I bet you do, say " I'll keep the baby but for each time I do how about lets trade my babysitting time for you making the cake for dinner (or whatever)" This way she is more involved in the household, and not separated with plates etc. and doesn't seem like punishment to me. Will give you two more time working as a team. May not work but its worth a shot. Or how about just the plain ole sitting down with her and telling her that with the her and the baby it has put an extra strain and how can you together solve working together more?

Answer 4

Heck NO is this abuse - she is a parent now and like it or not she is legally responsible for that baby not you. She volunteered to be an adult early by choosing to have a child - now she can deal w it. What does she expect you to baby her and the baby??? She is nearly legally an adult anyhow and we all know adulthood sucks too bad she didnt figure that out before she had a baby!!! She certainly can wash her own dishes and do her own laundry and buy her own things - I did that at younger than 17.
Apparently she thought having a baby would buy her another 18 years to live off you and have you coddle her - good for you for putting your foot down!

Answer 5

You are in no way abusing your daughter. I have a "friend" that got pregnant at 16, and her parents gave her every thing. She never had anything to do but sit there and play pity party cause her "life was over". Now she has 3 kids all by different fathers and has been married and divorced 3 times. She never has learned what it takes to be an adult. And she is now 34 years old. As for your grandbaby, unless that baby was concieved by rape, where is the father? Make him contribute. They were adult enough to play around, where is he now, where are the other grandparents? It is in no way your responsibility alone. I do wish you luck in getting her to see this.

Answer 6

What you are doing for her and that baby will go a long way for their future as adults. Having worked with abused kids I can honestly say she is far from being abused. If anything she is being properly parented in fast mode since she made the free choice to get pregnant so young. You are doing her a great service and yes she may hate you for it now but later on she will love you for it.

She freely chose to give up her "teenage" life when she freely chose to have a baby. You are most definitely doing the right thing. I know it is hard but you are giving her and that baby one of the best gifts they could ever get during this time.

I just hope she actually freely chooses to learn from it all.

Good job, mom.

Answer 7

You are not being abusive. You bought her a car, she lives there for free without paying utilities. She should be washing her own clothes & her babies clothes & cleaning up after herself. I moved out of my parents house when I was 17yrs old & had a baby at 18. I washed my entire families clothes, cleaned up after everyone, everyone included my now husband, my 2 stepchildren, myself, & our baby. Stuff was hard for us & nobody helped us out but we are doing great now! because we worked hard, we now live in a beautiful gated community, we are married, have another child on the way, & my husband makes decent money but nobody handed us this stuff & we had it rough for a while. I know she's your daughter & you love her but truth is is that she is a woman. I mean, really, she's going to be a legal adult in 1yr, so she's not incapable of taking care of herself & that baby, it's done by plenty of women everyday. She's not a little girl, she is basically grown & I think that you should start telling her to be a little more apprecative of the things she does have, I would make her a list of all her expenses ( a rough estimate) if you were not helping her at all & then see if she wants to complain, tell her it's time to woman up a little bit & things could be a lot worse for her. If she can't clean up after herself then you shouldn't give her anymore dishes than that. Crap, my 12yr old wouldn't wash dishes after herself & kept reusing cups like it was nobody's business & I thought about doing that same thing you're doing with your daughter with her. So no that's far from abuse. I think she needs to go spend a couple of days with her baby in a woman's shelter & listen to some real problems. When Christmas or her birthday comes around, I mean you can give her a set of pots, that's what my mom gave me on my 18th birthday, that's what I said I wanted when she asked & I loved them & used them every bit! I am 21 yrs old now & I homeschool my eldest stepdaughter & treat her for severe psoriasis, take care of our youngest, & am pregnant with a fourth kid & have been taking care of mine & my family's business since I was 17yrs old. I think you are doing the right thing, good job, she's going to have to start learning that life isn't easy.

Answer 8

You are in no way abusing her.

You are giving her the essential skills to coping alone with a baby. Afterall you won't be around for ever. You have to make this clear to her.

She is at an advantage because she lives with you... most teenagers who become pregnant aren't anywhere near as lucky as your daughter.

Why should you wash, clean up after her??? I mean if anything she should be contributing to the bills, food, and paying rent and council tax. Nothing grows on trees.

I think what you are doing is right.

After a month, you should tell her to get a place of her own. Then she will thank you for teaching her all the skills to get on in life. She may not see it that way at the moment, but she will sooner or later.

Answer 9

You are absolutely NOT being abusive, you are trying to get her to grow up and become a responsible adult. Sounds like she is a little spoiled. But I am sure that eventually things will settle down and she will learn something from all of this. Hang in there, you are doing a great job.

Answer 10

In some ways you are teaching her valuble lessons but in other ways you are being a bit petty. You are a mother and she is a mother so you should treat each other with respect. Sit her down and say that you need to talk like adults. Explain that you need to work together to make this work. Sit down together and draw up a chore rota so you share the burden.

Is she still at school? If she is then dont you think that she also has a lot of pressure with work, school and a toddler?

Show her what bills you have to pay and ask her what she thinks is a fair share of this for her to pay. Dont approach her in a nagging or patronising way as nobody would respond well to this. Just say look we are a team now this is what we both need to do in order to make this work.

Answer 11

No your not being abusisve. You are doing a good job by teaching her responsibility. More parents need to do this! From the time i was 14-15, my mom worked the evening shift and as the oldest child, it was my responsibility to do everything including take care of my 4 younger siblings. My mom was a single mother so i was her only help. I never complained!!! Keep up the good work mom.