Why is my past still haunting me?

Question

I'm very depressed & can't get past events out of my mind. It really hurts. I'm in a better environment now & happy to live alone, but I can't stop thinking about the abuse I've gone through all my life. I even have nightmares about the abuse I went through, & I wake up, thinking it was real.

Nothing is going right in my life, & I have to suffer consequences for what's beyond my control. I have a college degree & can't even get a job. It feels like I went to school for nothing. I have a degree in Spanish & can only say basic sentences because all I was taught was ancient literature. I get SSI & Social Security & I want a good job, but I can't get a job in my field because I'm not fluent enough.

I have a lot of financial issues, & my finances got screwed up because of Hurricane Katrina & there's nothing I can do right now to fix my debt. No one wants to hire me on a job because of disability discrimination, & my benefits only pay enough for me to have home, lights, & food.

Answer 1

You are right, things are not going well for you now. I know you struggle with depression. Disability does not pay much and it should as you certainly cannot work at this time. Is there any type of retraining that Social Security can offer you as a part of your disability. Perhaps you could go back and get a teaching certificate (but only if that is something you are interested in).

Are you permitted to do any part time work when you are on disability? You may be able to get a job where you only work part time and can make a little extra money. I am afraid for now you need to keep your disability because you NEED THAT MEDICAL COVERAGE. Medications and doctors are so expensive that you can't risk losing that coverage right now. You need to check with the SS office and see how much you are allowed to earn without it having and affect on your benefits.

As far as living in the past. I have a hard time getting over things people have done to hurt me. Help yourself realize that these people still have control over you if you are thinking about them. DO NOT let them hurt you again by haunting you now. Take control away from these hateful people by not thinking about them. Just discard them from your life. You may have to deal with it through a therapist one day but for right now, KICK THEM OUT of your mind; tell them to stay out too.

I wish I could do something to help. I really do know how you feel.

Answer 2

How about taking the focus off of yourself. Go volunteer. Clean schools or libraries.Play checkers with children who are terminally ill at the hospital. Read books to the elderly who are now blind. It's not glamorous, and there's no pay. But something almost magical happens when you take the focus off of yourself... you start to become vital in this world.. you become a contributing human being. Stop taking so much, and give something back. The more you focus on yourself, what you are really doing is nurturing the abuse! That's right, you are abusing yourself!

I too was a victim of multiple abuses all my childhood, and until I left my home. I simply was not given the opportunities you have had, (college being a great leap ahead for you ahead of me) be thankful for what you DO have, because even that could be ripped from your grasp. The only thing I had that I could be thankful for was that I had no physcial impairments. I walked MILES and MILES to work each day. Sometimes I would treat myself to a bus ride. I lived on two pop tarts a day and stayed at friend's houses until I saved up enough for a car...then I lived in my car. Eventually I moved in with a boyfriend and things only got better.

Stop buying non sence, and eat a little less, I've seen what SSI pays, you are well ahead of so many! Rejoice!

Answer 3

I think that u need to go to a counsler or psychiartist...Talk to them about ur problems. They will be able to help u better then any of these yahoo's on here! I know exactly what u are going thru...and depending on what state u live in they should have programs to help with paying ur utility bills like going to an assistance office. I know how tough it is to try and find a job but there are alot of telemarketing jobs out there that need spanish speaking individuals to speak to there latino communities. Well take care and don't worry at the end of every mountain there is another to go right up!

Answer 4

I partially agree with the others who've posted answers to you..I too feel that you need to seek some professional help with your depression, talk to your regular doctor and get a referral to a psychiatrist or licensed counselor, but in the meantime,while you are waiting to get into see them, start journaling--write down everything. Then write letters to those people who have abused you, tell them how much you hate them for what they did to you and how much you are still hurting from the things they did to you, Then, (and this may be the hardest thing you've ever done) forgive them ! You DO NOT have to send these letters to these people unless you and your psychiatrist really think you should.
Then start to forgive YOURSELF for all the bad things that you've done, felt, and / or said that has hurt you or someone else.
Contact me if you would like to and we can talk, I'm not a professional but I've been where you are.

Answer 5

I am so sorry about what your going through. Your best bet is to get a consouler. (try looking online around your area for a cheap one) Im a hypocondriac..lol.. and i get depressed about stuff so easily and my moms taking me to another consuler. they really help. actually if you have a close family member they work just as well as a high class consuler.

i think your past is haunting you because your happy now in a good enviroment and you somethings nagging on you in the back of your brain saying YOU CANT BE HAPPY BECAUSE OF ALL THE BAD STUFF THAT HAS HAPPENED. and once your happy it naggs and you think about it and say hey i cant be happy. or since your financialy low you get depressed anyway and while your stressed bad things come back up. I think you need too get a consuler or just whenever the past comes just say NO.. the past is the past and i am happy and thats the end of it. or if it comes in your dreams... well everyone can control their dreams if they know they can or not THEY CAN.. i used to have the WORST nightmares at night and i turn bad things into good things like when my parents died in my dream i turned them back to life in my dream.. you can do that. and it takes alot of practice though.

Sincerly Afton,

Answer 6

Yes - every day - but I learned to live with the hauntings and move on

Answer 7

I would highly recommend seeking help from a psychologist. It seems as though you are depressed, and need someone to help you along. I bet after therapy you will become a whole new person. It is really hard to cope with some things by yourself, and even harder for people that have experienced trauma earlier in life.

Answer 8

I don't think all of this is because you were abused as a child...i have an abusive past and i'm perfectly fine. I guess some people are just weaker than others.

I hope everything gets better for you.

Answer 9

Simple. Medatate.

Answer 10

Figure out what your good at and use that to help you get a job.