I think my fiancé is dumb?

Question

When I met him, he was 27 years old living at his dad's house and had just lost a job working as a night auditor at a hotel. We dated for a while then I found out he had an 8 year old son from ex-wife of 4-5 years, which I was attracted to because I wanted to have kids someday and he seemed like a good father and not scared of marriage. He was a nice people person, always helping out and doing romantic things for me. He even started saving up for my engagement ring after only 4 months of us dating then surprised me with it about a year later.

When we met, I was working as a cocktail waitress at bars and drinking couple times a week and he didn’t like it and almost dumped me so I quit drinking to prove I wasn’t an alcoholic (which I wasn’t) and even quit the job so he wouldn’t get jealous and it was just a fun job for me to make extra cash with anyway; I didn’t care about it.

I’m 22, he’s 29 and we’ve been living in MY house for about a year. Now we’re expecting a baby boy next month and I’m not working (I quit my job as a poker dealer because they had no business so it wasn’t worth my time) and he just started a job a month ago as a graveyard cook at a restaurant. Before that, he took his first semester of college and I pretty much did his work for him and tried to explain it to him. I’m not saying I’m a genius but I’ve been to college, tech school and was always head of my class.

He was in the Coast Guard when he was my age, married and taking care of his ex and their son working 2 jobs. He was also in a band doing small bar gigs when I met him. This all sounded good to me but now I’m questioning our relationship. I’ll leave out the other problems we have but my main concern is with money. We both want to start a business and I WILL but I don’t think he has what it takes. Today he told me he wants to quit his job because it’s too much with the 11 hour shifts and he has no time to spend with his son and I, and I would be fine with that but I know he’s not going to help me out as much as I need him to get this business started so we don’t have to worry about money and finding crap jobs.

He doesn’t seem to think long term about things, he gets frustrated, and he’ll enthusiastically help out anyone who asks him which uses up most of his time but when I ask him for help, I get an attitude, it gets done half assed or not at all. He doesn’t have common sense sometimes and I’ll end up having to do what I asked him to do anyway.

When I was on my own, I had plenty of money for my needs, enough space in my house where it wasn’t hard to maintain and it was much easier overall. This guy doesn’t pick up after himself and thinks if he cleans the house once a month I’ll be satisfied. I do almost all housework. He has tons of clothes and the laundry is ridiculous. He’s a packrat and I need an organized clean home to run my business out of.

I’ve always been a generous person and I split everything with him and go out of my way to do things for him. Last week, he told me his paychecks were going to start going into my bank account, then today he grabs all the money and says he’s holding onto it.

We broke up once before because I let his friend stay with us which I thought was for overnight and turned into a month. I finally kicked him out because it was causing problems in our relationship and I’m not supporting an alcoholic grown man 10 years older than me. Fiancé was complaining about how much money he spent on me when I never asked him to do it and I spent just as much, if not more, on him.

Fiancé was offended I asked his friend to leave and one night when I got home from my poker job, both of their stuff was gone and a couple of my things. I actually came home early that night and caught him moving the rest out and he claimed it was an accident and returned my stuff. Two months later he begged for me back and I gave him a chance. I’m sure it’s better living with me than his parents.

I do love this guy and don’t want my baby to grow up without a father, but he’s really holding me back and I can’t take his little toddler temper tantrums when he’s asked to do something. I will have enough of that with my new baby and I need some support by my side, not another kid I have to look after. I’m just writing my thoughts here and wondering if it would be better for me to raise this child alone and work on my business since I doubt he’ll be of much help. I’d never deprive him of seeing his son and hope we could be friends or at least civil with each other.

I might add that I don’t have a family myself except for my grandmother but she will be gone any day now. My mother is a psychotic *****, seriously. She’s even going to mental health court and was on drugs over 10 years. I’m not really allowed to see my younger siblings and they live far. Never met my dad and don’t talk to any other relatives. Will the love of my child be enough to keep me strong to make my dreams come true and our lives better without any other support or help?

Answer 1

That's a long question.

Answer 2

I read it all and know that raising a child needs both parents. Perhaps after the child arrives you will see a change in your mates attitude but your not doing anybody any favors by attempting to do everything alone. Yes, you may be right in thinking he isn't perfect, but to work a budget both partners need to ok any expenditure,not buy the other gifts. Honestly, living in harmony together always beats living alone, so don't ditch him without giving both of you time to make the family you have always dreamed of. Also, talk him out of quiting his job at least until you have the business up and running, convincing him that the money he makes allows your shared growth until the children are old enough to enjoy extended vacations. It will be worthit in the long run for everybody.

Answer 3

I think that you should get rid of him because it sounds to me like he is not ready to grow up yet and be responsible. It seems like he just wants to live somewhere other than his parents house without all the responsibility that goes with it. You should definitely send him on his way. If all he does is throw temper tantrums and get upset because he doesn't like his job and wants to quit he will get no where in life. He will probably go from job to job all his life and never actually be supportive to you. I think that you would be better off raising the baby and have a business alone. You can always find a better man out there. If you are having doubts now then you definitely should not get married. You should really think about what you really want and ask yourself if it is really going to be worth it to take care of a baby and a man who acts like a child. If he isn't doing anything or trying to support his family then he has to go. It is not worth it to put yourself through all that especially when you are pregnant. Take care of yourself and you will feel better once you give him the boot.

Answer 4

OH WOW! From that very long but good entry I would tell you NOT to marry this guy. He can still be the babies father, BUT not living with you. You are very young, and I am going to say FROM EXPERIENCE. DO NOT marry this guy..if you do...you will regret it. Like I said just because you two won't leave together doesnt mean he cant be in that childs life. Work really hard on being a single mom. You can do it. I believe you can!!!!!

Answer 5

Ooooh, Sweetie, sounds like you're in a heap of trouble with that man. Sounds like you already know you need out of this relationship. I think a babysitter may cost you less than holding on to the father. I wouldn't count on much child support since it seems he can't keep a job. I definitely wouldn't rush the wedding. Congratulations on the baby and good luck with starting your own business. God bless you whatever you decide.

Answer 6

Sorry but he doesn't seem so smart from what you've described. He's doesn't seem motivated or goal oriented. I wouldn't stay with someone who makes my life easier and I sure wouldn't be his maid! I think you will be better off without him and yes, I think you and your child will be fine together. One day you'll meet someone who deserves you but don't be in such a hurry. Sure, it's better they have a father in their life but that doesn't mean you have to be with, or live with him. In the future be very careful of who you choose to be the father of your children.

Answer 7

Don't marry him, if he uses you now he will only get worse. he's put all his baggage on you and that's not fair, but he has caused unnecessary stress in your life, and the best thing to do is get rid of him, let him get his own place he can be active in the babies life, but he does no good for you.
hope everything works out for you.

Answer 8

From what I gather you seem like a strong woman, stand your ground. He sounds like nothing but bad news and he will be like an anchor dragging you down. If there is a will there is a way. I wish you the best!!

Answer 9

Yeah...you lost me about half way. Just too long to read. Can you shorten it up a bit...like get to the point.

Answer 10

You sound like a match made in heaven!!