Falling apart at 20?

Question

Maybe it's stupid to be stessing about this stuff. But I can't help it. I'm 20 years old, I've never dated. It's not for lack of trying, it's just others don't find me attractive, I always hear "Your a nice girl but..." I'm always told I have a pretty face but the rest of me is ugly. Yeah so i'm a little fat, i'm quitting smoking and i'm starting to play tennis again and i'm TRYTING to lose weight but it's soo hard for me.
I used to pride myself on being an independant, strong woman. I'm watching all my friends with there boyfriends and babies and happiness and wonder why at the age of 20 i havent even dated? I want to belive that a person can accept you for who you are but i've never seen it. I hate being fat! I'm trying to change it. Do I sound crazy or can i trade myself in for a newer model?

Answer 1

A friend sent me to your question and I see you have had a lot of answers. Rhubard has answered you better than I ever could. I do have a problem with this weight obsessed culture. I do believe in weight loss for health reasons and NOT beauty. If you were to wake up at 116lbs you might think you were happy but then you would always have to wonder if that is the only reason a guy would like you. Again Rhubard has the right way of looking at this. He is a 'hard case' yet he has this nail right on the head. One of my best friends is a lot more overweight, she has had the stomach surgery, it DID NOT work. YET she found a guy who loves her. She keeps her health in check the best she can and she is HAPPY. My last thing, why do you say 'used to' be an independent strong woman, seems to me with quitting smoking and working on your weight there ain't no 'used to' to it. Good luck. I do check back on answers. Please be happy with yourself and don't worry about what others think, we ALL have insecurities to deal with. Alda

Answer 2

You're fine just the way you are. Be fat. Have a drink if you want one. Exercise. Enjoy yourself. You have a great sense of humour. Stop waiting for people to catch up with you. Call a friend. Eat a peach. Get to bed early. Adopt a pet and shower it with all the love you can imagine. Lift your head up and bawl your eyes out. Let it all go and just enjoy each day as it comes to you. You are just fine, strong and smart and this will all work out. Do not allow yourself to chew it over and over like a dog scruntching an old bone. Toss the bone in the garbage and be your own woman. Pamper yourself. Hop in the tub with lavender and a magazine and take the phone off the hook. Try a new kind of tea. Call an old girlfriend. Take a train to a northern town you love. Book a short day trip to the Isle of Wight. Let your hair down. Get into some comfortable shoes! (Not that pair that make your feet hurt for two days after!) See? That is how difficult it is. Someone is going to come along and pat you on the back for having so much courage to just be the wonderful person you are and you are going to pat them on the back and reply, "Yes, I know." See? That's how hard it has to be. Now relax and breathe and have a great week. Onward! - Chis!

Answer 3

Don't be so hard on yourself. Many men like women of all different sizes, it really is about how confident you are in yourself and how you are to others. It's ok that you haven't dated yet, you still have an entire lifetime to find the right guy - and believe me, there is a right guy for you who will accept you for you. And 20 isn't old. I know it's hard when you see friends around you moving forward, but you can't base your life off their timetables. Everyone's situation is different and your wait for the right guy will be worth it.
Congrats to you on the quitting smoking and working out/playing tennis - those will help you feel better physically and hopefully gain more confidence. You don't sound crazy, but you also don't need to trade yourself in for a newer model. Just keep doing what you're doing and get yourself out there with an open heart - it will pay off, even if it takes a little longer than your friends. Just keep reminding yourself that you will find happiness. Best of luck :)

Answer 4

Lots of larger girls have boyfriends so its probably a question of confidence. If you hate being fat then you are doing all the right things and its great that you stopped smoking. Independent and strong is good but not to the point where you frighten the lads away. A little bit vulnerable is okay too as its human and a lot of men find that attractive because they then feel they have something to offer into the relationship e.g. taking care of you. If men don't see you like yourself and have no confidence, they wonder what is wrong with you - so thats a key factor. For the most part, you are just having a slow start. Once you feel a bit better about your weight, and feel fitter with your tennis, your confidence will return and you will (whatever your size) look and feel fantastic. You are doing well.

Answer 5

Ok, lemme tell you this right off the bat, I'm fat, not grossly overweight or anything like that, but, I'm fat. I'm 6-2 and 328 lbs., so I'm definitely not a little boy. :) I know what it's like to try and pride yourself on being independant, strong, and all that, I work out all the time, and can run faster and longer than most of my friends, I can definitely lift a heck of a lot more weight than they can, but I'm still fat!

But, but, my biggest problem was I had a poor self image for the longest time. In my mind I was the fat guy that everyone loved to be around, but no-one ever loved. I had this problem for the longest time. No matter how hard I worked out, or how well I ate, I was still fat, and my mind would never let me realize that I was a great guy. Finally, I guess you could say that I had an epiphany. I woke up one day and decided, F-IT!! I told myself that I wasn't going to be working out to try and "make" myself attractive to others anymore, I was going to work out because I liked it! I got over myself "being fat" and learned to love myself for who I was! And if people can't love me for being fat, then F-THEM!! I decided that I didn't need those people in my life anyway.

My dear, you need to learn to love and accept yourself first, and then you can learn to love others. I had tried to date before, and, all it really did was ruin my relationships because I would get either extremely jealous or extremely depressed thinking that I was never good enough for them, and would end each relationship before it ever really got started. I can tell that you are a wonderful person, but you won't let yourself believe that. You need to BELIEVE that you are a special person and deserve to treat yourself as such, and then everything else will fall into place.

Dating someone has more to do with the ability to respect yourself as to respect your significant other. If you can't respect yourself, how can you trust and respect the other person that you're with? Love yourself first, and then you won't have a problem finding someone to love you.

Answer 6

Hi
Falling apart? come on now..pull yourself together, hey stop hating yourself, you're only twenty not sixty a lot can happen in the next few years, start to love yourself and others will do the same besides it's what's on the inside that counts, what's the point in having a "page three" type girlfriend if she's an utter *****, they'll be lots of decent fellers out there who'd appreciate a girl like you...don't give up...just be patient.
Ray. West York's. U.K.
P.S. I hate people dictating what I can and can't say (up to a point that is) the missing word is b.i.t.c.h.

Answer 7

Don't be silly, of course you can't trade yourself for a newer model, and why should you? You are who you are. It's your personality that counts. You won't impress someone with your personality though, if you keep banging on about how unworthy you are. Have faith in yourself. So you're a little overweight. Who isn't thse days? If it would give you more confidence, then yes lose weight, but do it for yourself, not for other people. Don't make excuses though, by keep saying I'm trying! That's a cop out. Don't try. DO! forget what situations your friends are in, with boyfriends, babies etc! Most of them probably aren't as happy as they appear. Who wants babies at twenty!? you've got your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it. Be happy and someone will soon see what you have to offer. Good luck.

Answer 8

wow,
I think that everyone has covered what I had wanted to say to you. Im 21 tomorrow I've had two real (crappy) relationships, my weight is always going up and down, and all my friends are getting married and having kids. I know where you are at trust me. My guess is you're beatuiful inside and out and for some reason all these little boys we lust for aren't ready for the real deal a good girl.
I have seen some really hot guys with these really nasty girls, looks and personality wise. if they can do it we can.Our time will come.
hey if you are in the new york area myspace me the email is [e-mail] there is no way to feel better than making new friends, and i've got a bunch we could share.

Please dont think I am pittying you, I just truely feel your pain.

Love,
Kristi Heather

Answer 9

Aw sweety,
Believe me your prince will come, there is someone out there for everyone.
I know it;s hard to believe, and ya you do give up hope but the best way to find someone is through a friend.

At the end of the day, because your friends care for you. They will not set you up with someone who will hurt you.

Maybe it's just the wrong men you are meeting, most men have a thing about committment issue's anyway. Men you meet in a club, they have beer goggles on and run away when they find out who you are, or else they're just out for one thing and they use and abuse ya.

Look I'll be honest, I'm heavy, I used always go out and meet guys but I always got the same as you, the next day when I text them to meet up again, I got you've got a lovely face but.......... or your a nice person but................ or the best one ''it's not you, it's me'' stunt.

Then one day my friend text me on a number, of a friend of a friend. I text him and he text me back, and we kept texting and after 2 days we fell for each other even before we met.

See when you do it that way, the guy gets to see the real you, and falls for your personalitiy not your look's.

I can promise you now that if you go about it that way, love will find its way to you. You sound like a lovely, kind hearted, sincere girl, and any man would be blind not to see what you have to give.

You know when you're not looking it will all happen.

I'm 24, I met my fiance in march and he proposed to me in may last year. It will happen........................................
Regarding the babies, plenty of time there, wouldn't you prefer to find a nice, decent man who will love and protect you, and make a great father.

You will find someone who loves you and only you,
Just remember ''no boy is worth ur tears & da one dat is -wont make u cry.....??

Men are very fickle, if they cant see beyond your weight they're not worth time, love or worry.

You'll find someone, I promise.
Hope this usefull, my best wishes and thoughts will be with you :-) xoxo

Answer 10

Wait until you've had a couple of boyfriends that you can't stand after a few months....your tune may change...when you start to see that a lot of people don't need to get to know YOU, they just like your pretty face. You need to keep being that strong and independant lady who realises that at twenty, babies and boyfriends don't always equal happiness....
In the meantime though, even though people are telling you to love your fat self, keep exercising. It's hard to keep it up, but you'll feel so much better once you start doing it regularly. You'll have more energy and feel more positive, though you may only notice it after you've stopped exercising for a couple weeks....Just keep doing it and you'll start to feel more radiant and other people will notice too. And considering your 20, I think your current model should still be working just fine, just need a minor tune-up.