Trouble with future mother-in-law and wedding??

Question

My fiance is an only child, so he's his mother "baby"...but he's 21 has been on his own for 2 years now. He proposed and we've set a date for next June. We planned on paying for this wedding ourselves, since we both have nice jobs and some savings. She just recently popped up and told us that she was giving us 5k for the wedding. I KNOW that this is only so she can have her say in things, and so she can outshine my parents, it's always been a competition. She's upset because my mom is helping me plan some things. She's told me that she's jealous of me and my mom's relationship, and sad that she never had a daughter to do things with. I've asked for her opinion and help on lots of things for the wedding, but she tries to take over and throws a fit when she doesn't get her way. It's very generous that she's trying to give us money, but we both know she can't afford this. How do we nicely decline it without starting a war, or would it be better to just accept it and grit our teeth?

Answer 1

even if she does give you money, it is still your wedding. you have final say. smile and say thank you for this gift. i think you can accept it and try to include her, but you are right, she might throw it back in your face I GAVE YOU THAT MONEY! but if you do not take the money, she might get just as mad. lose lose there.

i feel the same way with my dad. he use to put gas in my car so i could go to college, then he acted like the car was his. it can be a control issue. :( it sucks, i know.

but in the end, you have to be firm, you are your mother's daughter, it is her right to do these things with you. invite MIL along for some things, but do not let her know every little detail. also, tell your vendors that you or your groom only have permission to change details.

Answer 2

I wouldn't take the money if you know that is her intentions. I would find a way to get around it without saying she is the reason you aren't accepting the money. For example, you and your fiancee could tell her that, while both of you considered taking the money, you both have came to the conclusion that you still want to do this on your own because it will be a huge accomplishment for the both of you and just leave it at that. If she continues to demand to give you the money, then maybe suggest that she puts it in an account for her grand kids or future grand kids college funds or something else that has nothing to do with the wedding. If she isn't satisfied with that, then its not your fault.

Answer 3

although my situation is a little different, my fiance is also an only child and his parents also want to pay for a lot, but she is letting us do it our way. (I thought the same way you did before, but now that we are well into planning she has proved me wrong) just be happy that she has offered the money, that is a lot and $5k less than a debt for you. if you really dont want her to bug you about how its her money and things will be her way, give her one task to be incharge of, whether it be finding a photographer, or helping you choose the flowers, she will feel that she was a part of the wedding planning, I think this is the best way to avoid a war, and remember at the end of the day you and your fiance are married no matter what the flowers looked like or who paid for what.

Answer 4

If you accept the money, you are giving her power.

That´s a thing I don´t understand about mother-in-law´s: why don´t they become friends with their DIL?? If she is jealous of your relationship with your mom, she could try and really be your friend, and then she wouldn´t get only a DIL, she would get a ¨daughter¨. But instead, she´d rather be complaining.

Your fiance could explain her that is really VERY nice from her to offer money but you have enough to pay for that wedding and if she insists, tell her to use the money for a present. That would be better and she wouldn´t be able to throw in anybody´s face it. If she does, just return it.

ps:she doesn´t sound very trusty. Be careful.

Answer 5

I would just tell her that you greatly appreciate the money, but you would prefer to pay for the wedding yourselves, that way you guys have the final say in the plans and so that neither her nor your family feels like they arent playing their part in the wedding. there is nothing wrong with not wanting her money. as for the way she acts and feels....its not your fault she never had a daughter and I'm sure your mom gives you some ideas you turn down as well. she just isnt there to see it. dont let her make you feel guilty. I think turning down the money is probably the best thing.

Answer 6

give her back the money and firmly let her know that you have everything under control. You need to put a stop to her meddling now or you will have to put up with her forever after. You are smart to recognize what strings are attached to that money so you need to return that as soon as possible. He might be her only child but he is no baby. He needs to have a talk with his mother and keep her out of your business. If he cannot stand up to his mother he is not ready for marriage and if he won't stand up to his mother you are in for a very bumpy ride because unless the two of you nip her in the bud she will be a pain in your side from now on. Nip it in the bud and kill it before it grows into a major problem that will threaten and possibly end your marriage in the future.

Answer 7

Just wondering if she's throwing the rehearsal dinner? If so, could you suggest she just use the $$ there?

My advice is to politely decline the money, but thank her for the offer. Tell her something like its already taken care of but she can definitely save it for the grandkids, etc.

Please try to be as respectful as possible to her, as hard as it may be. Whatever you do, allow her to have a good relationship with her grandkids (if you have any) unless there's a major safety issue or something.

Answer 8

She is giving you a 5K GIFT, if she complains hand back the money.

I would take her suggestions and advice, however, final decision would be up to you and your fiance.

Since she tries to take over and throws a fit, I would either have you or your fiance talk to her about her attitude. Let her know it is you and your fiance's wedding and not hers.

Answer 9

Congrats for knowing a control manuever when you see one. Tell her you are absolutely flattered by her offer, but you would really prefer her to pay for the rehearsal dinner and let her run with it. Traditionally the groom's family takes care of the rehearsal dinner anyway and it gives her something to control. I feel for her not having a daughter, but your Mom did! This is a time for you and your Mom to bond and drive each other crazy :)

If she pushes to pay for the wedding just explain it is important to you and your finace that you do this together and for yourselves. You have definite ideas about what you do and do not want and that's that. I applaud you for trying to include her in your planning, but it doesn't sound like she wants to play a part; she wants to star.

Good luck with the in-law to be and CONGRATS!!!

Answer 10

Accept it and then tell her that u are putting this money in a savings account so that it will be there if u really need it while paying for the wedding. then offer to buy her dress for your wedding with that money she gave u and have your husband give her the money back after the wedding and honeymoon and say thanks mom but we didn t have to use it and i know u really need it or what ever way u want to say it. but dont fight with her, my MIL did the same thing to us and i had to bite my tongue and give her the money back and she accepted it and went about her happy dappy way. so enjoy your day and havd a good time...