Mom troubles?

Question

I am 13, female, and have never had a mom. She is alive and lives in my house, but she isn't there for me. She yells at me daily for stupid little things and I try so hard to please her but it is never good enough. Today she said she hated me, thought I was a b****, and wanted to send me away to boarding school. I am the middle child in my family, and her dislike of me is making my sister's lives hard. My mom is constantly talking about how she doesn't have time to do anything she wants and I really feel she is depressed. My sisters and I have tried so hard to help her but it only makes her angry.

My biggest fear is that I am going to end up like her. People say she and I are similar, and that scares me so much. It is so mean to say, but I am so afraid of becoming like her. She alone has ruined my entire life up to this point, and I don't know what to do. I want counseling, but my mom would never go for that. She is slowly killing me, and the only emotion I know is sadness. Help?

Answer 1

Sounds like you might be better off in boarding school. Maybe you should take her up on it next time she brings it up.
Do you have any relatives you can turn to for help? Or school counselors? You need to find an adult who can speak for you.

Answer 2

You are describing my mother only I am 54 and she is near 70. Add manipulation and lying in there and you have the woman.

Here's what I have learned, hopefully it will help you.

She will never change. Its just a fact, she isn't capable of being a mother, and she never will be one. If you expect her to have a change of heart and one day wake up and be the mother you need, it won't happen. Accepting that one fact will give you the platform to design your life around.

You will need to mother yourself. You will need to learn to count on yourself, support yourself and nurture yourself. Don't fall into the trap of feeling sorry for yourself, it will destroy your self esteem. We don't always get what we want in life, but we get what we need.

Love your mother, respect her but do not ever hand her over your heart to destroy. Keep her at arms length, don't trust her with anything, she will just use it against you. Be honest, caring and giving, emulate the qualities in a mother that you want, don't let her take that away from you.

Don't let your anger with her control your life. Don't seek motherhood in drugs, booze and sex. Its not there. Its in your heart and you will have to help it grow. Don't live down to her expectations. Study hard in school, find a teacher that can be an inspiration to you and look to him or her for nurturing in that regard. Do everything you can to better yourself through education, it will give you the ability to not ever be dependent on anyone. That freedom will allow you the life you want.

When you grow up, you will NOT be your mother. Don't listen to those people who say that you are like her, you aren't. You already know what she is doing isn't mothering and its wrong. You already are a step ahead. When you have your children, be the kind of mom that you wanted. That's where you will break the cycle, and you can do it. I did.

Good luck to you, I think you are a good person and I'm sorry you got dealt this bad hand. But its not you, its her, so let her be who she is and work very hard on being who you want to be. I believe in you.

Answer 3

At such a young age, you are in a pickle. My mother and I went through much of the same. She just stopped coming home though. I moved out when I hit 18. 6 years of no speaking.. and we are just now trying to get things back together.. Its rough.

Some options you have are probably going to scare you. Like it or not, what you describe is verbal child abuse. It is not acceptable and your mother can be forced to go to counceling by the state. If she isnt going to help herself... Why should you suffer for it?

If you dont know where to begin, try making an apointment to speak with a school councelor. They can advise you much better then a random stranger on the web. Just be honest with them and tell then exactly what goes on in your home. Dont be ashamed or scared.

You have RIGHT to be happy. Sometimes you have to fight harder then most to be happy. If talking to your parents about the problem doesnt work, and you want help, talk to another adult about it. If that doesnt work. Try another one. Dont stop trying.

Answer 4

13 was a horrid time for me too as i was a middle child also so believe me when i say you do not have to be like your mom when it comes to all things and all the things that seemed so horrid when your emotions are on edge like they are at 13 will not be so terrible 20 years from now.
now here are some ways for you to cope with her.
1.find someplace to get away like your room etc a quiet place
2.remember yelling etc just makes things worse
3.don't try to please her take pride yourself in what you do and it wont matter so much if it is not good enough for her
4.you are not alone, it is the middle child syndrome that most middle children recognize too well, the only way we can get our parents attention is with trouble so we make trouble and it only makes it worse

Answer 5

i`m so sorry sweetie that you have a mom that hates herself so much that she takes it on you.. i have a 13 yr old daughter and her and i are the best of friends but yet again i am her mom and have to give her restrictions now and then.. if your mom says no to counseling then call a hot line when you can.. you can find some on the Internet.. or your school counselor can help you.. your a Young girl and you need your mom there for you not making your life miserable i am so sorry honey.. seek out counseling from school or go to a church they to can help you... good luck to you baby i`ll be thinking about you..

Answer 6

((Hugs))

You've got a difficult problem.. one I can associate with.
The only solution I can think of is to talk to an adult you trust. (an aunt or uncle, grandparents) Maybe they can shed some light on why your mother acts this way, and maybe they can talk to her about it in a way you can't.

In the meantime, be extra nice and polite.. offer to do little things around the house like taking out the trash or doing the dishes.. I don't know, my mom was like that for a while and neither me nor my step-dad knew why or what to do about it. She's sort of still like that, only passive-aggressive rather than outright mean.

Like I said, though, talk it over with your grandparents, dad, aunt or uncle.. maybe a pastor or school counselor if those aren't viable options. Sometimes, though, there's nothing you can do about it, and you have to just accept her for who she is and how she is, and just deal with it the best you can. Before coming to that point, though, try talking to someone who might be able to talk to her.

Good luck.

Answer 7

It seems like this has been happening for a while. I'm sorry, but I think the best thing you can do for yourself, and your sisters is get help. Find an adult you trust and explain the situation. This kind of daily abuse is something you should not have to go through. You deserve better.

Answer 8

First of all, you have got to please her by doing the things she's expecting you to do, because that means giving respect to her. If you are really serious in helping your mom cope up with what's bothering her, you should be the one to show how your mom would like to treat you. Be kind to her first, before she becomes kind to you. Kindness begets kindness. She's emotinally not well right now that's why she's acting erratically.

Those small stupid things she got mad at you for, stop doing it. Prove to her that you are not to be sent to a boarding school, that you should be staying with her to be with her and to take care of her.

When you finally got her attention by doing nice things for her, then she'll realize that she also has to be nice to you and your sisters. Then maybe, in between that, you could start seeing a counselor.

Just try to tolerate her attitude and be humble for now. Make her happy by obeying her. Happiness begets happiness.

Hope that helps...

Answer 9

Counseling would be a good start. Even if it begins with you. Explain your circumstances to the counselor, to help you cope better with your anxieties. It is possible your Mom may need a full physical check up with her family doctor, there could be medical reasons for her moods, which can be treated properly, once she is diagnosed. She may not be aware of her moods if they have lasted for a long period of time, and finds this very normal, as well of her possible depression. The only way to know for sure is a full physical check up. It could be something as simple as a chemical imbalance that is creating her moodiness therefore a check up would be a good idea. As difficult as it may seem right now, try to be patient with her, as she may be trying to handle too many things herself and in doing so, it comes out as being short tempered with flare ups such as you described. Some of the not so nice ways may tend to come out as you've experienced, and that is disappointing and hurtful to you, right now, and understandably so. It will take a lot of patience and courage on your part, to be forgiving, patient, and kind to her, with a group effort with your sisters, for now, and afterwards of getting her in for the physical. If your sisters are older and of age to speak to her about it, try to reason with her, but don't be pushy about it, just say its out of concern for her health for her to book an appointment for a full physical. Your other option, is to contact a relative, you's are all aware of that she feels close to and connected to, to help you acheive the goal of getting her in for a check up. Hope that was helpful, thanks for asking, wishing you strength and courage in resolve and family unity.

Answer 10

sweetie I want to start by telling you you are precious and a treasure, your mom does not know the damage she is doing to your soul but I must stress to you that you have the power to change your destiny and become a powerful young lady the fact that you are reaching out tells me that you know you are better than your situation. but please promise me that you will be careful to who you respond to on this line because someone may try to take your hurt for granted. every woman is not meant to be a mother but know that you cant choose who your parents will be just please keep your head up, stay in school, and find a god fearing adult to talk to you and your sisters. some of the strongest people were people who went through horrible things in life but they came out on top, look at martian Luther king he was called names, stabbed, lied on put in jail yet because he refused to accept his current situation he changed the worlds way of thinking. please stay encouraged sweet heart because you have a whole lifetime of joy waiting for you if you just hang in there god bless you and I will lift your mom up in prayer