Who should pay for dinner on a date?

Question

I've been dating this guy, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but we spend a lot of time together, so it feels like we're dating. Last week he asked me out to dinner at a restauraunt. Nothing too extravagant or fancy, but it was nicer, and above fast food. When the bill came... he laid his half of the money down...and I didn't think to bring money with me, so he had to pay the whole thing. I felt bad, but.. I thought the guy or the person who asks is supposed to pay on a date. So I'm seeing him again tonight, but I'm going to feel akward giving him his money back, or should I just "forget".. it's like $35.

Answer 1

I say that if you invite someone to dinner, regardless of your gender you should be ready to pay for their meal. Unless it has been discussed before hand.

Answer 2

The answer is more complicated than you may think. Here are the factors behind who should grab their wallet – and who should simply say, “Thanks for dinner.” First, know this. Whoever pays is literally giving a “gift of food.” It’s an ancient courtship ritual that dates back to our early Greek ancestors who gave the object of their affection figs. But humans aren’t the only creatures who bond over dinner. Anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of Anatomy of Love, points out that male owls and hawks drop rodent offerings near the females they like. And boy chimps offer girl chimps pieces of sugar cane as tokens of love.

But among humans, most people expect the man to pay for the first date. In fact, 86% of people polled think the man should pay on a first date, no matter what. Why? Because women tend to feel more comfortable and nurtured when the man pays. And men often feel like it’s their role in society to be the “caretakers.” Also, when one person pays for the other, it’s a bonding gesture. But there are some exceptions. So, here are a few “human dating tips” from manners expert Letitia Baldrige:

Whoever pursues, should pay. Basically, if you ask someone out, you should pay. But after you’ve dated a while, you should start trading off who picks up the check.
If it’s a blind date, get separate checks. Why? Since blind dates are usually set-ups, the experts say that neither of you is “responsible” for the cost of the evening. Or one should pay for the movie and the other should pay for coffee afterward. Then you’re on equal footing.
Remember the movie Annie Hall. When Woody Allen takes Diane Keaton on a first date, he kisses her up front so they won’t be tense all evening over the ‘end of date kiss’. So when you make a date, make it clear right off the bat who’s paying so there’s no awkwardness when the bill comes.

Answer 3

In the early 90Th's, the man treated his date like a Queen, he paid for every thing his date wanted, If he was a real man.
Times are some what different now, Who ever do the asking out on the date, is the one in charge, they choose the place and do the paying. Now a mans man will all way be the man, meaning he will treat you royally. A wise woman will take money with her just in case, you have to be careful with these men in today's society, until you really get to know him, and then always watch and lesson, be on your guard.

Answer 4

In my opinion...open comunication is the best way to handle this. I see no reason you couldnt just openly discuss this situation so that both of you could feel more comfort with each other when you are together and expense is incurred. I have dated a man for 9 years, and sometimes we pay individual tabs, and other times we don't, but we always discuss the cost of our time together before we go out, it avoids discomfort , and prevents us from being upset or second guessing each other. There are times that he pays , and also there have been times that "I" have paid...such as special occasions, birthday, graduation, or just plain showing appreciation for one another. But I must say open communication resolves this problem before conflict arises.

Answer 5

You need to talk to him about this because you're obviously operating under different assumptions. Typically, the person who asked for the date is the person who pays. However, since you say that you're not too serious with this person, he may assume that you're going out as friends and when you go out with friends you usually take care of yourself.

Also, I was always told to try and pay for my portion of the bill so that the guy couldn't claim that I "owed" him later on. Just something to think about.

I think you should talk to him about your expectations for the relationship because he either doesn't think it's an actual date (to where he should pay because he asked you out) or he doesn't know that that is the proper etiquette when you ask someone out.
Peace,
Jenn

Answer 6

Honestly I would just lay it out for him. "Sorry about the other night, I just assumed that since you asked me that you would be paying. You know what they say about assuming! Anyways, I brought extra money tonight to pay you back or to pay for tonight if you want." That way you'll leave it open for him. If he wants you to pay him back, he's either really low on money or isn't interested in any more then a friendship. If it's the former, he'll probably explain it because he would be embarassed to even ask that.

Answer 7

Take enough money and grab that bill and pay for the whole thing. If you are not boyfriend and girlfriend, if you are just exploring a potential relationship, no one owes anyone anything and no one should get a free meal. Go dutch until you reach the point where you share everything.

Answer 8

Normally, whoever asks pays. But if it's that big of an issue, just bring enough money to pay for both of you this time and when the bill comes say "my turn". It'll put any past awkwardness in the ... well... past.

Answer 9

Your confusion was understandable. Usually, it's the person who does the asking would do the paying unless it is agreed beforehand that you would go dutch-treat.

It's easy to remedy your solution. When you go out with him tonight be prepared (have enough money with you) and treat him saying "my turn to treat". Problem solved.

Times have changed.

Answer 10

On the first date I say whoever asked the other person. After that I think no one should asume the other is paying. Take turns.

Answer 11

I say whoever does the inviting pays unless it is arranged in advance. Also, I would give him back the $35. so that I would feel better about the situation. Or, you could pay for his dinner tonight..