Any advice on how to decide whether or not to have children?

Question

How did you decide?

I am almost 33 and totally not ready at all to have a child. I always knew I wanted children, but my job as a nanny and not being in a good financial situation right now is making me think I shouldnt. If I were younger and I had another 10 years to be childfree I probably would have one. But, as things are now, I would have to start trying soon and my husband just graduated from college (he is 28) and we now have $100,000 in student loans to pay. My salary certainly doesnt offer much financial security and my husband's salary could be anything from $40,000 to $80,000. It just depends.

I guess I am asking if you know of any resources or advice to help with this decision. When I picture my life without children it is restful and comfortable and happy. However, when I think that I would never have a child there is a bit of sadness. I dont know how to decide and unfortunately time is not a luxury I have.

It's not JUST the money thing. I am talking more about having them in my life. When I think about having an infant I get excited and maternal. But when I think about that infant growing into a demanding 2 year old, I just want to die. Children take up every minute of every day and how do I decide whether to bring that into my life or not?

My marriage is VERY stable and we both think that there are good and bad things about having children.

Lord Darkgoth....no, you are not right. He feels the same way I do. That's why Im on here instead of talking to him. We already have talked extensively about it.

Answer 1

there are and always will be both good and bad things about having children. The financial side is really very minor, as you probably know. Certainly you need to be able to afford to support a child but, there are so many options for how to make money and so much flexibility in how much money you need that chances are if you are stable financially right now and you have a reliable source of income, you will end up doing okay with the finances. But, as it sounds like you know, that is just the tip of the iceberg. Being able to be there emotionally for each other and for the child(ren) is so much more important and so much more difficult. There is very little flesibility in that and it is a full time job from the day you get pregnant until hopefully forever. Your priorities completely change, and if they don't chances are you and your family will have lots of troubles. Kids need time and attention and love. But they also give back so much more and in such powerful ways that the love and attention usually pour out of you. There will be times when you will wish you had some peace and quiet and when you wish you could be alone. But those times will be few. The payback is enormous. However, if both of you are undecided now then chances are you should wait and see how you feel in a few years. I know the clock is ticking but, it's not like you're almost 40. I would wait and see how you feel in a year or two. Clearly there's no turning back once you have a child but, right now your options are open and it sounds like you should keep it that way until something becomes more obvious. If you are not longing for a child -- why do you want one now? You say if you had 10 more years to be childfree then you would have one, when? In 10 moe years? What will be all that different in 10 more years? I think you should think about why it might be obvious to you that you'd want a child in 10 more years but that you don't really want one now. Why will your freedom be easier to give up then? Why would the committment to a child be easier to make then? Why would your longing to have a child be greater then? You might want to consider going to a counselor with your husband just to work on this issue. Look for someone who who knows about this issue and find someone you like. It couldn't hurt to talk about it with someone who knows all the issues you could talk about. Good luck!

Answer 2

You said you always knew you wanted children. The impression you gave for thinking that you shouldn't have children now was due to finances, right? Well, I'll tell you, there will always be some reason or other that you can come up with that will make you think you shouldn't have kids at the moment. Now, it is student loans, next it will be a mortgage. People manage to find a way to finance the things they really want.

My MIL once told me that the only reason to have a child was because you couldn't imagine being happy without one. You said that when you imagined your life without children, it would be restful, comfortable and happy. Without children, you said there was a "bit of sadness." Just a bit? Not a lot?

There is nothing wrong with not having children as far as I am concerned. My husband and I made the decision not to have children and we are completely happy with our decision. We travel all over the world, pursue a wide variety of hobbies, sleep in on weekends and spend lots of quality time together--all things we couldn't do with young children (or not as easily anyway.)

If you were not in a financial squeeze, would you hesitate to have a child? Think about it. However, I wouldn't advise getting pregnant with a child that you weren't 100% sure you wanted.

Answer 3

There's absolutely nothing wrong with deciding not to have children, but don't let student loans and a hectic life be the reason. There's never a "perfect" time to be sleep deprived, physically changed, financially stressed, etc. But as far as biology is concerned, the clock is certainly ticking.

If you say you always knew you wanted children, explore that. Imagine if you were debt free and that wasn't an issue, would you have children? If the answer is yes, than make plans now. Having children is expensive, but people with far less resources that you have do it, so it's not impossible.

But if you really think it's not for you, that's ok too. There are far too many unwanted children in this world. No sense messing up your life and your kid's too just because you have some invisible pressure to procreate

Answer 4

I'm not against abortion, and in your case, it's what I would have advised if you weren't so far along. I think you'd find it very difficult to get an abortion at this stage because most Dr's won't abort this late unless something is seriously wrong medically. Also, the process will be quite traumatic unlike in the earlier stages. You can speak to the Dr's, but I think time has made the decision for you. It always saddens me to see how many people urge adoption. As you know from your dad, the care system isn't what it should be, and you're condemning your child to the kind of life you were trying to protect it from - or worse. (I know I'm preaching to the choir here, this is more for the benefit of the other posters). Not every childless couple is desperate for a baby and will adopt, and many of those who do wish to are put off by the prohibitively complicated adoption procedures. I think you're just going to have to muddle on, getting as much support from your family as you possibly can. Good luck.

Answer 5

Whoa, I think its truly hard for any of us to tell you what decision you should make. Talk it over with your husband, some people need to make out a physical pros and cons list...now you may have 10 cons that just can't out weigh the 2 pros you come up with. I would wait til you have a clear mind, it's never good to make a decision if there's uncertainty, it will be if it's meant to be. Pray on it, meditate on it, then let it go.....don't constantly worry about it either, that's not a good start to having/not having children, you could always adopt if you decide to have children and can't physically bare one, there are plenty of children needing loving homes and by then you may opt for a slightly older child to mentor so you won't have to go through the toddler years....any way you both choose, you have know within yourselves what your family is and wants to be like.

Hope this helps.
God speed and God bless.

Answer 6

I am 29 and TTC for my second child. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old. My husband and I have had our ups and mostly downs with finances but we've made it work. We both couldn't wait to have children but did wait just long enough to finish school, marry, and travel a bit first. If you really want children, you will find ways to make adjustments to afford them. Maybe you eat home a couple more nights a week instead of going out, and look for discounts when buying food or clothes. Also, both my mom and dad and mom-in-law have spoiled my daughter always buying clothes and toys which has helped us obviously. Don't forget that family and friends will be surprising you with gifts and will be glad to help if you need it too.

Answer 7

I decided young that I didn’t want kids. I had a vasectomy at 21. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I made that choice.

Would you regret never having children? I doubt it. I know lots of people, my age (41), that chose not to have children. None of them regret it. It is far better to regret not having children, than it is to regret, and resent having one.

Over the last 20 years, I have earned my education, and earned a lot of stamps in my passport. Put me next to any man 10 years younger than I and guess our age. Yep, you would mistake me for the younger. Most “Childfree” people keep their youthful appearance.

One in five women, in the USA alone choose to be “Childfree”. You can do the same. My girlfriend of 5 years is.

Answer 8

If you have to convince yourself to have a child, don't do it. My cousin who is 55 chose to never have children. She told me she does not regret it. She has a great career, travels extensively, has lots of friends with kids she can spoil if she wants. I have always admired that she made the decision that was right for her and not let anyone talk her into just one child. You need to discuss this with your husband. See how he feels. He may be just fine without kids and maybe not. You don't want him years from now regretting the decision.

Answer 9

you have to go with what you really want i decided to have children because i couldnt see my life without them even though it took me many years to finally have my first child i had problems conceiving and carrying a pregnancy to term but i have 2 wonderful boys ages 13 and 9 and i wouldnt go back to being without them

Answer 10

That is a personal decision that only you and your husband can make.

You see yourself as comfortable and happy without children. I think that statement speaks for itself.