My fiance asked me to marry him, he can't give up his Jewish roots, but he says his kids would be raised Jewis

Question

I thought I knew all along that our kids would be exposed to all religions. Tonight he says he can't say "one way or another" to what religion. How am I supposed to respond to that?

He won't talk to me about it because we're both anti-religious. I think he thinks that's it's sad to say... but he wants kids with jewish roots.

I'm more anti-"god" than he is. Kids need to know their roots though. How am I supposed to get this through to him? (either anti-religion or pro-god)

Answer 1

For many people Judaism is a culture as well as a religion or simply a culture. It is a very deep, old a beautiful set of traditions and ceremonies. It is only natural that he would want to pass this on to the children. You cannot ask him to give up his Jewish roots and if it seems at all important to him you cannot ask him to not pass this on to his children either. If that is really not o.k. with you then this is not a person you should be having kids with. The other thing you need to think about is what holiday traditions etc. do you plan for him to participate in and uphold and pass onto your children. Think about your own culture. You say you are not religious, but it is likely have family traditions that you would expect to pass on to your kids this could be things as simple as putting up Christmas lights and a tree, opening presents on Christmas eve. Easter traditions? etc? Think about these things and share these with him and make sure that he is OK with you sharing your own set of rituals and traditions if you are willing to have him share his with your children. If you cannot reach an agreement then you seriously either need to reconsider having children or getting married. An impartial counselor may be of benefit. My sister in law went through this recently and they called off the engagement because she was willing to share his Jewish culture but he was not o.k. with celebrating Christmas, Easter etc.

Answer 2

Contrary to what many believe, now in Reform Jewish congregations, either the mother or the fathers side can make the child Jewish by birth.
There are many congregations with a large population of intermarried families.

Being Jewish is a lifestyle as much as a religion. He doesn't want his kids to miss out on the Jewish holidays and celebrations he enjoyed .
Since you really don't care , what does it matter ? You may find parts of Judaism very interesting.
Sure, you can teach your children about other religions.It's important to know how other live .It is also important to give your kids a set of roots .
Within the past generation we lost 6 million Jewish souls.It is a matter of urgency that we increase our numbers since we are such a small portion of the worlds population.
I wish you the best on your wedding.

Answer 3

I think you are confusing Jewish heritage with the Jewish religion. For religious purposes I believe the mother needs to be jewish. But being Jewish is also an ethnicity not just a religion, so teaching your child the Jewish traditions is not the same as sending them to Hebrew school and attending temple.

I think you both need to talk about this a bit more it seems you may be confused.

Answer 4

I think the fact that he won't talk to you says a lot, and it's not good. The fact that he won't communicate with you is very troubling. This is not a good way to resolve differences. Why don't you suggest getting some pre-marital counseling, preferably with a rabbi? It may be that he just wants his kids to have Passover and Hanukkah, or he may want more. You should read a book called, "If you're Jewish and I'm Christian, What Are The Kids?" Personally, I don't think the "exposed to all religions" thing works.

Answer 5

I have an extremely good friend who deals strictly with interfaith couples. Your story is not unique. Very frequently this issue comes up when the first child is born or when it's time for a Bar/Bat Mitzvah. What I can tell you for sure is that there is a high statistical probability that a child raised with "both" will end up as "neither". I don't know where you live but there are people who work out of the Jewish Federation (look it up in your yellow/white pages, or try one of the regional websites) who deal with this every day:

http://www.jewishla.org/
http://www.jewishphilly.org/
http://www.jewishinseattle.org/
http://www.jfed.org/

One or more of these offices can put you in touch with someone who specializes in this issue. I can virtually guarantee you that if you don't resolve this before you get married you have a high likelihood of a lot of unhappiness ahead, to say the least.

Answer 6

I am jewish and proud of it, but I am anti organized religion. My wife, who is Catholic, really struggled with the decision to convert, especially after our son was born 14 months ago. We both strongly believe in God and Judeo-Christian values and so we think it work without one of us converting. We can teach our son both religions and he can ultimately decide what to do when he is older.

I don't really consider celebrating Christmas or Hanukkah as religious rituals, which is why i am happy to celebrate both. The only thing I asked of my wife was that she not bring Jesus into our home. As a jew, I have little tolerance for the concept of Jesus. So far, it has not been an issue because we both have the same belief system.

I think it's important that your child(ren) know both of his parents roots, religious and otherwise (ethnic, geographic, etc). If he feels its important that his kids know their jewish roots, and you don't care about your religious roots, I think you allow him to have that without it becoming a central part of your life. I am still very proud of being jewish but i dont attend a temple, dont eat kosher, etc. Being proud of who you are the best thing you can do for your future kids.

Answer 7

Your children will not be able to go to move to Israel or anything. The Jewish faith recognizes the bond through the mother's side. If neither one of you goes to any kind of church or temple I would say it's a moot issue since your kids won't be exposed to any religion. However, this IS a make or break issue. You MUST talk about it before you get married and long before you have kids. If he won't talk about it, you shouldn't get married.

Answer 8

I would suggest you raise the kids with some kind of religious background. Usually the kids are the mother's religion. If he is anti religion, then why is he insisting that the kids be brought up Jewish? I get the feeling that his parents and family are interfering in his decision. If I were you, insist that the kids be brought up your faith, and for a more stable, moral and happy family, I would suggest you give up your anti religion attitude and give the kids a religious background. They will be better adjusted and more grounded and family oriented and more opt to stay out of trouble in their teen years.

Answer 9

Well, your kids won't be Jewish, since the religion is matrilineal, and they have to be born of a Jewish mother.
However, whatever the religion, it is just too important to marry and not be able to continue the traditions one wants - if it's what a person grew up with, it's made him what and who he is.
Sounds like you two just may not be a match for marriage.

Answer 10

well if he loves you, then you guys will be able to speak to each other soon. plus, since he is jewish he should know that the mother gets the say in the religion. just like when a christian man gets married to a jewish woman the kids are raised in the roots of judaism. i'm sure he will understand, he is your fiance after all.