Everything is a battle with stepson - please help!!?

Question

I have an (almost) stepson who is 6 (am getting married in September). We have a very strange schedule with his visits, but his parents swear that it works fine. My fiancee and I have him Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday nights, all day Saturday, and Sunday until 9 a.m. I think this bizarre schedule could be part of the problem. Anyways, the kid drives me friggin' nuts - he doesn't listen, and is pretty apathetic to whatever you say. There are days where the mere sound of his voice makes me cringe - like nails on a chalkboard. When I first moved in last September, he was very mean to my dogs, and made a point to destroy or mangle anything of mine he could get his hands on. He still does not listen to or respect me at all. I used to want to have my own children - after dealing with this one, I don't anymore. Dad is a very good disciplinarian, but child does not care when I am disciplining. I am beginning to wonder if I was just not "physiologically wired" to deal with children - any ideas?

I know that he "needs time to adjust", but his behavior is ridiculous! He goes through "tantrum phases" where he picks a new thing to do for a few months - when I first moved in, it was p!ssing and sh!tting himself for like 3 months. Right now, he's on slamming his door and holding his breath. I have been more than nice to and patient with this child & fiancee keeps saying "he needs more time". How much time?! I don't even want to come home some days if I know he'll be there! He makes our relationship very difficult & I wonder if he's trying to split us up - which makes me wonder even more if he'll be a jack@ss at the wedding!

Answer 1

First off your fiance should be doing the disciplining since he is the biological parent. Secondly if you cannot accept this child as your own you cannot marry this guy. If you do then your nightmare is only just beginning.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Ok...sounds like you have a monster on your hands.
About the door slamming thing...take the door off the hinges, what does he have to slam now?
You have to sit down with your man and explain to him what goes on. There has to be something done about him. I have a 5 year old, so I know pretty much what you are going through. I would not stand for my child to act that way by no means.
You're right the visitation is weird especially since he is school aged. It should be every weekend or every other weekend.
You need to put your foot down and tell the lil monster that if he is going to be in your house he will go by your rules.
I have 2 step daughters, one 16 and the other one 11 and I will not let them do that to me.
Talk to your hubby to be and tell him what needs to be done, cuz after all you will be the step mother and that child needs some help.

Good luck

Answer 3

Divorce is NOT an *excuse* for any child to assume he/she can act up or for any parent to get out of parenting. That is a rumor and the next time you hear that say this "do you often give children excuses to misbehave"? That is huge clue they have no positive advice for you and cannot help you find a solution based on present due to their own problems.

If or when you *marry* this man you will be a wife to your husband and a step-*parent* to your step-child... wife and mother in that home and your fiance needs to get a grip on the emeshed parenting he is now practicing. Believe me hon, lazy parenting happens in homes where no divorce has occurred. "give him time"....better think on what that really means because it's not a father having compassion for his son's need to be parented/learn and will cause a rift concerning his top priority which will be the marriage AND will affect the outcome of his home and family. Some people fail to forget that children grow up and marriages grow beyond so both of you will need to work together on this including making sure you date often and also that any children envolved are spent time with and corrected as needed. Children have a right to learn to love, to be loved and by correction learn self-control. Since the child still has his family the divorce between his former married *parents* is no excuse to not get a handle on yourselves as parents/step-parent and correct son's/step-son's chosen behavior.

Answer 4

divorces are very hard on children-- as you can see... some act out, react, are destructive, misbehave and try to make life miserable because they are in a great deal of emotional pain.

parents tend to neglect this issue (which is common for more than 1/2 of children of divorce) and make excuses for the child.... please remember, the child's PARENTS created the monster you have come to know and be disgusted over today.

now you enter the picture, a stranger in his eyes, wanting to whisk his father right out of his life.... it wasn't bad enough his parents split up -- but here YOU are, trying to take his place (at least, that is how he looks at it).

cruelty to animals and destruction of material objects is a good sign of anger issues, which really need to be addressed soon as possible. if not, what is the kid going to be like when he's 10? i'm scared to think about it.

it's not really HIS fault... his parents need to address this and get the poor kid some help before he drives YOU and everyone else nuts.

meanwhile, he really is suffering and confused.

could you imagine being 6 again? suddenly your parents are split up, you are going back and forth, not knowing what is around the corner, or if you might never see one of your parents ever again? will one of them abandon you forever? you wonder if it's YOUR fault? Your parents are suddenly getting remarried to people you don't even know... and you're totally left OUT.

my idea is therapy. there are many excellent therapists for children of divorce. my son went for two years when he was eight years old, to a woman who he came to adore and respect (a woman is the best choice, kids seem to warm up to them better -- unless you can find one that reminds your of Ronald McDonald, Santa Clause or Mr. Rogers).

all the best

Answer 5

As the others have said, this is a package deal. You need to sit down with this child and tell him you love his dad very much,and would like it if you could become friends. Let this child know that you are not trying to take dad away or take the place of his mom. This child may be young but he is old enough to understand this.

Answer 6

This is your fiance's child. He will always be part of your life if you marry this man.

ALWAYS.

If you cannot live with that, then you need to think about marrying him, no matter how much you love him.

Answer 7

Package deals...come with luggage.

And, it may not ever "get better".