how can i deal with these painfull facts?

Question

that im 30, live alone in a one bedroom flat, feel extremely lonely and empty, have coped with a long term mental health problem (borderline personality disorder).....have never made a single friend in life or never been in a relashionship with a girl.....hardly own any posessions, live on welfare...have never been employed because of my mental health condition......live with a painfull past full of abuse and trauma and bullying.....i have the ability to assess and process the damage thats been done to me at the hands of others........plus
as i sit here i endure painfull thoughts of how i wish my life was, have goals and ambition that seem far out of reach..impossible to achieve, which are : a loving girlfriend , having friends who care, having fun, feeling happy and secure..owning my own home, to live with my partner in...and finally my ultimate wish: to emigrate from england to the u.s or canada or australia...just to build a new life else where..& and as i sit here alone tonight..

i feel gutted and lonely with these hopes and dreams..
while i see others indulge in their lifes pleasures...
i cant hide my torment....ive missed out in life, im unfull
filled....and i have these desires that i want to happen.
can overcome the odds do you think?

i wont give up...its just the odds seem impossible....i have a mental health history a petty criminal one...have been in a psych hospital years ago.....im scared all this will makr it impossible to achieve my ultimate dream...emigration from britain.....im scared my past might of sealed my fate....i desperatly wanna leave england eventually...i do not want to stay here....i hope god can make it happen...i cant live with failure

i dont have a support system right now...except my mum who is 56....but i fallen out with her last week..because i was in one of my low depressive moods and she said she didnt wanna here from me again...because we argued on the phone..and i took the way i was feeling out on her, which i regret....so now i have no one, except my mental health team whove refered me for therapy....my mums stood by me all these years..so she tried to be supportive, but i think she just had enough....shes met a long lost boyfriend..so shes into him

i do not want to stay in the uk! get it i dont! i want to move away and emigrate..why wont anyone dig me on this? i do want to leave

Answer 1

My advice is to stop looking at your overall picture. Its intimidating you and overwhelming you to where you think its no use in trying..its all too big to conquer. But you know what? YOU CAN! Just start with one thing at a time. One simple thing. Maybe its as simple as showering and dressing in something you feel good in, and go out and do something nice for someone. Their smile....in turn might encourage you. Just try and smile and say hello to someone at say the grocery store. Maybe its the clerk who runs your groceries through, maybe its the receptionist behind where ever you go, maybe say hello to the guy who empties the bins! I'm not saying these people will start ringing up up or asking you out but its a small step in building your confidence. Go to a volunteer centre. They are always needing people to help out in different areas. If your mental health is an issue, then I'm sure they can direct you towards some areas of support. Just take things small. Don't look at the whole thing. One small thing at a time and in a while, you can look back and see a list of things you can say you've done....and the list can keep on growing! Best of luck to you my friend.....*S*

Answer 2

Hello Roland,

Everybody goes through some amount of lonliness and many even a little depression. There may be other issues in your life (that you've yet to mention) why you have not had a meaningful relationship with a girl up till now. Don't despair you can improve. Health care I'm certain is free, medications and all in England. So use them, if you have experienced no improvement in your personality issues change doctors/psychiatrist at the very least get another opinion. Borderline personality disorder can stabilize with effective medication and therapy.

So yes there is hope even for you and the painful abuse you've suffered over the years.

The question is not whether I believe you can improve or get well? I believe you can on both counts. The more important question is how badly do you want to get well/help? The help is available.

How is your support system, family I mean? You do need support at this time emotionally more than anything else.
Work with your physician/psychiatrist in therapy, take your meds everytime and on time as best you can and stick in there. Your so called personality disorder will improve and allow you to function normally but you must comply with your doctors advice or you'll forever be spinning in circles achieving very little. Think about it.

Finally, join a church group or some social group where you can meet new people friends, play chess, cards, dominoes sports, or whatever you like. Just be legal.

Good luck and God bless my brother.

Answer 3

Poor old you. It's never easy to overcome abuse, especially if you've been brought up to believe that you're inadequate and worthless. I know; I've been there. i've been lucky enough to get a lot of help from a lot of people, and to meet and marry a wonderful man who has been my rock. But I was alone till I was 37.

Honey, emigrating isn't going to solve anything. All your memories, problems and past hurts will still be with you. And what will you live on? You need to be able to live with yourself and your past before you can expect someone else to live with you. You have to be able to give as well as take from a realationship.

You can build a new life here as well as anywhere. The UK is a good place to live, and you need the free healthcare that is offered. As you can't work, check with your Council's Welfare Rights officer whether you are entiltled to any other benefits - Disability Living Allowance for example. Could you work as a volunteer part time. This will help you socialise, feel valued and make some friends. Every day, try to do something, however small, for someone else. This will help you feel positive about yourself and give you a sense of achievement.

I benefitted from going on an Assertiveness course, run by the mental Health team - ask your Mental health people if there's one in your area?

Are you getting counselling? If not, ask for a referral, talking through your difficulties doesn't solve them I know, but it clarifies issues, puts them in perspective and helps you tackle them one at a time. meanwhile, the Samaritans offer a very good service to those in despair.

It's obvious that you're having a really hard time - I will pray for you, and I wish you peace and contentment. Please feel free to email me if you need a listening ear. God bless

Answer 4

Hi Sweetheart, reading this made me feel so sad for you but you know, you can change things around. You say you are not working due to your health problems, how about taking on some voluntary work, doing something you are interested in - this will give your confidence a real boost because you will be doing things for other people - they will see your worth and hopefully you will too. It's not easy and there's no quick fix but if you want something really bad - go for it. Aim for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars! Have you had counselling for what happened to you in the past? If not, maybe this would be useful. Maybe your goals seem out of reach because you are expecting too much of yourself too soon, set yourself small achievable goals and set them one at a time. Join a club, as i said, do some voluntary work, get yourself out and let the world see what a wonderful person you truly are! Sincere good luck to you Honey, be lucky and most of all - be happy! Take care x

Answer 5

I do not think that emigrating will help because you are still you. Start your new life right now by opening your self to what is available in your area. Look for a local social group, or look into a hobby or find something that you have an interest in. That way you can start to make friends. Also (this will be hard) try to forget about you self and your own life, but find out about other things. Maybe you could do some charity work. helping others is a good way to feel better about yourself.

Answer 6

I think everyone feels like that at some time. I feel so lonely even though I have mates I just want to be out there doing the things everyone else does. You have to make a plan and pull yourself together. Make a list of everything you want out of your life and get to it. Stop living in the past and realise that this is your life and only you can make a diffrence. By the way what the hells wrong with England? lol . Join a sports club or something to meet new people. Go out with new friends and have a great time and who knows you might just meet soomebody you like there. good luck.

Answer 7

Hun there are a lot of people in this world that have all kinds of problems. No one is going to dig you out of anything. It's up to you. If you want your life to change then make a plan as to how you can change it. Get yourself into counseling, get on meds if you need them and then work on your plan. Take one step at a time or it become overwhelming and depressing. You can do this for yourself. I'm sorry your life has been so hard and there's nothing anyone can do to change that but you do have the ability to change your future starting now. Learn what triggers you have and how you can cope with them. This will help you in developing outside relationships. In the mean time if you want someone to chat with not just complain to all the time feel free to email me here.

Answer 8

i think you are a person with problems that you can over come.you have aims which is a good thing you know what you want all you need is the right start.
so how about volentry work in a charity shop or something , no matter what you past health was they will help you.

this will give you more confedense with others, you will get talking to people in the real world. i feel this should be a start life is never easyfor any one things do not fall in your lap i wish they did you have to fight for what you want. and never stop fighting.

you can be a winner we all can just fight

regards

Answer 9

Yes, I believe you can overcome this! Don't feel ashamed, ever, because it is "mental". It's a real disease, and you are very strong for putting up with it and you are strong enough to conquer it. The biggest recommendation I can make is get treatment. Do your best to get treatment. Also, don't use your illness as an excuse...it's real, but think of people with cancer...you shouldn't just ever just sit back and say, I have cancer/diabetes/borderline and my life sucks because of that. Think about Lance Armstrong, and how his attitude helped him beat his cancer. Have a good attitude, and never leave any stone unturned in trying to get the best treatment (chemical, behavioral, etc.).

Good luck to you! I hope this helps.

Oh yes, and also because the Jesus thing, while it can help, sometimes gets annoying, here's an alternative: read up on Buddhism. It has helped me so much. Meditating helps you realize that your strong, irrational emotions are transitory and have nothing to do with who you really are and how you really feel at your core helps a lot with emotional disorders. blessed be & namaste

Answer 10

I agree with making small steps. I've had depression and one small decision can seem like a huge mountain. I'm still taking small steps. I retreat a little sometimes, but I'm coming along. You have to be the one to acknowledge your progress. Because someone who is not as sensitive to your situation will be like...What's wrong with you man? They don't see that a pebble to you looks like a boulder. There are tools out there to get you through this (Caring people, books, tapes, videos, web sites, counselors, animals, and nature). Thousands of people have pulled themselves through--you can too! You Can!!!! These techniques have helped me. Say this to yourself now....I want to hear it...I CAN DO IT! Clench your fist, and yell (who cares about the neighbors)--I CAN DO IT!!!! Right now I choose to be happy! Happiness is my right. Now go and get some magazines and start cutting out pictures or to save money, copy and paste images you find online of things that you WANT. Get the USA or Canada flag, cut out pretty pictures of girls and put your picture next to them, etc. Put it all together someplace where you can see it everyday. I had to do this because I was having such a hard time seeing beautiful things I wanted for myself because I was forgetting. It helps to visualize this way.
I know it's hard. It's okay to say that it's hard what you are feeling, but you just have to be reminded that you deserve to get better. You can heal. I can't tell you how many times I've posted something similar online--about how I was feeling sad or hopeless. When you post next time online, I hope to see you are here in the US, living in a nice pad, with a cool lady. I may be looking for a new place to live by that point, so keep in touch.