dads and stepmoms only please.What can i expect(sacrifices?) when datting/marring a divorced dad?

Question

This is my 1st time datting a "dad" and want to know the good,bad and ugly.Here are the details.Hes been divorced 5 yrs with joint custody of 2 young(7 and 8) children.His children live with him 50% of the time and 50% with their mom.He loves his kids to death and would do anything for them.His exwife is very involved,jeasous,possisive of her kids and has made it clear there is no room in their(the kids) lives for anouther "female figure".If i make this work can anyone tell me what i'm in for? Please no scorned single moms with deadbeat dads who want to vent about thier ex's gf's/wife.I just want honest advice.

Answer 1

I think you should watch the movie 'step-mom' with Julia Roberts. The mother of these children doesn't realize that she doesn't get to call the shots about your being in their lives with their father. The kids have two parents...not one. just as he can't tell her not to date seriously or remarry. It appears that you are in for this woman trying to control her children and her ex. After you watch the movie maybe your guy can send it home to the kid's mom with them and he can ask her to watch it. Sometimes in these situations women (the exes) don't treat the new woman with the respect they deserve. They act as if being there "first" gives them some extra authority. Always stand your ground. The best way is to stay respectful, and handle her by keeping your dignity no matter what. Be supportive to your man.

Answer 2

Well, when I got divorced, I had three little kids. I dated quite a few weekend dads. It was hard because dads have a hard time disciplining their children they only get to see a couple days a week. But then I met my future and present hubby. His daughter was 4 and he had her 50% of the time. My kids were 3,4, &5. They kind of meshed together like a cub pack and the rest is history and tons of fun. Obviously you haven't any children yet? Well, 7 & 8 year olds are fun! The sacrifice you may make may involve going to the park and being a kid again vs. staying at home watching a movie! He's been divorced 5 years, good. He's a good parent because he has them half the time. In my opinion, it takes a village to raise a child and the more love and attention they get, the better . Give her time to get used to it, so she knows your'e not stepping on her toes.Plus, you two have half the time to yourselves! Can't blame the ex for being possessive when it's hard to share the ones you love most! Take it slow,see what happens, and good luck!!!!!! P.S. It's not like his mother lives with him! ha!

Answer 3

I married a man who had 2 kids 7and 10.You are not marrying only a man,but 2kids,ex wife and man.Your life is totally different.You are a step mom.We would have the children ever other week end all holidays.Regardless of circumstances.Even when I had surgery! There was no changing.The children hated me because their mom told them I was the reason they divorced.(didn't even know him)Then there is child support.Ever pay day she got hers first.There are so many unfair things I don't have enough space.I was a seamstress by trade and one year I made all of the girls school clothes.We have a ball going this.She picked out the material and patterns. and I spent a lot of hours making her clothes.When she took them home her mom cut them up and throw them away.Simply because I made them.This is only one example.As for the children they knew that I had no authority and could run all over me.No matter how hard I tried they hated me.My life was a mess,and complaining to my husband did nothing but make him unhappy and he would jump the kids and they would hate me moreThis was my life for 10 yrs.When the kids grew up and the mom threw them out of her house.They came to live with us.All of a sudden I had a rebel and modonna liveing with us.I was totally unhappy.All I did was cook,wash and clean and I worked too.We survived and there came a day when they finally grew up.The boy went off to college,and the girl got married.They both love me and call me mom.Would I do it all over again.? As I look at my husband and the wonderful life we now have,Yes I would. When I look back on all those years of pain. I really dont know.I didn't tell you the fact that I never had children of my own.That would have been another ball game.

Answer 4

The ex-wife is going to be a problem for you because with young children you are going to be a MOM figure to them while they are with you. With older kids you might form a relationship of respect . You are going to have to deal with that until the kids are at least 18 and leaving the home. If you arent careful and you have different values there will be fights over how the kids behave and what they are allowed to do.

Its easier if the guy supports you and tells his ex that what you say while the kids are with him is how its going to be. If you dont see that support then sorry , but you are just a guest in the house and you dont get involved with the kids at all.

It can be a nasty threesome.

You also may find money is tight for you , because of child support and alimoney.

Personally , from what you have said , I would start visiting places with some single men who dont have kids.

Answer 5

Every situation is different. If I had known then what I know now, I would have stayed single.

Because of a bitter cheating ex-wife I am always broke and constantly dealing with bitter angry stepkids. That I can't stand any more then they can stand me.

From what you have said, it sounds like the ex is bitter as well. Now that you are in her ex's life she may or may not make things more difficult for the two of you.

Sacrifices; money, time, patience, a stress-free life

Ultimately, his problems become yours. No matter what he says. She may come to realize that should something happen to her, you are going to have to care for them as she would.

You should get her that movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. It kind of puts things into perspective.

Bottom line: Seriously though. She could make life with your man miserable.

If you are serious about him. You will find a balance. Don't allow her to disrespect you in front of the children. Stand your ground when it comes to her. As long as she knows she can push your buttons she will. Good luck.

Answer 6

Regardless of the mother's wishes, you will be an integral part of these children's lives. In essence, if you are marrying a parent, you are marrying their children. The kids may be spiteful in the beginning if their mother is convincing them that you are the "wicked" step-mother, and the only way you can counter her attacks would be to show the kids love and respect: however, don't let them walk on you...Your best bet would be to befriend them, rather than to become another disciplinarian. Hopefully your husband to be will respect you enough to keep the kids from lashing out at you.

Answer 7

I was a step Mom. The first thing you have to do is to be very kind to the children and let them and their mother know that "I can tell them to pick up their dirty socks and such but I can't tell them what time to come home. That is their parents job. You can enforce it for them. Make his ex feel that you are a friend and not a foe. I told my husband's ex, "you just let me know if he falls behind in child support, alimony (or whatever may apply) and I'll get on him. I never had to do this but it made her feel like I wasn't a threat to her. When I first met her she was quite hostile to me but quickly became very nice to me. Let her know that if ever something comes up and the Dad can't be reached, you will always notify her for her opinion (another thing I never had to do). Because my stepson lived with us off and on, I always use to say to him, "you can only come and live with us it you don't ask, just tell us." It is very important to let the children feel that this is their home and they are not quests. The bottom line is to respect everyone's position and you will earn respect. Remember, this isn't easy for the children or the ex and to try to put yourself in their shoes and threat them the way you wish you could be treated if reverse. Oh yes, remember that sometimes kids will be rude or whatever because a lot of times they are hurt and because they are young they don't have the maturity to know how to express themselves properly so because you are mature you realize that and handle it appropriately.

Answer 8

You can expect a various range of difficulties when dealing with the ex-wife in matters of division of medical payments, insurance coverage, visitation matters, petitions to increase child support, school issues, and anything else related to his children.

You may be able to develop a good relationship with the kids despite the ex, especially if you stick to being their adult friend, rather than trying to mother them. Whether or not they accept you is pretty much up to them. Just let them get used to you on their own, and be open, friendly and receptive to them; and above all, don't talk bad about their mother.

Answer 9

Well Lori h i am Lori L. I am a mother of two who married a man with two our kids are between the ages of 8 and 11. If she acts like this and makes it clear where you stand it is gonna be rough for a while untill she relizes that you are there to stay. She may try to turn them against you try to cause you and your man problems and may try to get you introuble with the police. Just dont do anything. Dont argue with her stay away from here. When the kids are there treat them as if there were your own. Dont just let them get away with everthing or they will walk all over you. All this depends on you the kids her and your hubby. With out knowing all of your natures it is hard to say. Mine is patient and loving his kids didnt know much when we got together and she is a over barring I am woman here me roar. As for me I am strong willed dont take crap kinda person. Thats where the law cam in but it blew up in her face. Just do what you normaly do and dont let her interupped your life. She is his x nothering more.

Answer 10

well, buckle up, because you are in for QUITE a ride.

I had always told myself that I'd never get involved with a dad...I'd heard too many bad things from women who had. Well....you can't control who you fall in love with. I'm now married to the man of my dreams, his daughter, and his ex......

There are so many things I could tell you...but every situation is different, and you'll NEVER be prepared for all of the things you could possibly encounter.

It's not all bad.....but you definitely have to learn to watch out and take care of yourself, because when it comes time for your step-children to be around....your significant other will more than likely not care about keeping you happy. You'll be last on his list of priorities.

It's stressful, but if you REALLY love this guy....it's worth it.

Good luck..