The relationship between a parent and a child?

Question

My relationship actually stopped with my parents when I was 4 years old, I know some of you are asking how? My brother was born, and in those days the father didn't see the baby born, the nurse brought him out to my father and he held him up in the air and thanked God for his namesake. For the next few years of my life, I wasn't mistreated but wasn't told that I was loved. I moved far away when I was just 18. married at 26 had 3 child. I know you want to hear the point of this story, when my parents found out my brother was gay, now they wanted me to move back home. Claiming that my children would be there only Grandchildren, does any one out there know how I am feeling at that point in my life? And what would you have all done?

Answer 1

Well, its true, isn't it? Unless your brother is gonna sit on an egg and hatch it, he isn't gonna have any children.
You said you were not abused or mistreated; just that you were "never told you were loved". Think about that for one moment, and see how goofy it is (no offense intended). Yes you were told. You were told you were loved when you were not mistreated. You were told you were loved when you were not abused. You were told you were loved when you were safe in your bed at night; when your dad busted his butt at work day after day to feed his family.
When you got hurt and your knee got the bandaid put on it. When you had Chicken pox or measles and were taken care of.
My mom and dad were never the type to be all soapy and swing arms open and sobbingly say "oh, I love you soooooo much". That never happened in my house.
But I knew I was loved. Now that I am over
fifty and have a family of my own, I find myself not being that lovey-dovey sort either, but hey, you let someone threaten harm to one of my own and you would see just how much I love them.
You have a blood-truce in a family. Like it or not, you are of that family and nothing is going to change that. I'm not so sure you should be expected to drop your entire life and career to move back to their area just because now they want to see the grandkids. If their only reason to want your kids near them is because they are now finding out that your brother isn't gonna have any kids, then thats the wrong reason for wanting the grandchildren nearby. They should have wanted them nearby whether they had no grandchildren near them or whether they already had a hundred grandchildren near to them, ya know?

I would tell them that your life and your family lives (name town) and if they want to see their grandchildren they are more than welcome to visit, but that just because it turns out your brother has a major life issue,
it does not mean you are obligated to move your entire life back for their benefit.
That simply isn't fair. But ya know what? I think they are in a panic about the fact that they are dealing with something they cannot stand to face. This gay thing with your brother is taking a good hard toll on your parents. They are hurt, upset, angry, and in a panic. They need time to adjust. Quite frankly, you ought to smack your brother for upsetting them; these are their golden years, and he just crapped all over it for them. Why couldn't he just leave home and go live his life privately? Why did he have to hurt them with this? I never told my parents what I did in bed, so why do these people feel such a damn need to open private pages of their sexual lives up and push it into peoples faces? Esspecially their parents? He knew damned well how hurt they were gonna be by it, but he did exactly what all gay people do: THINK OF NOTHING BUT THEMSELVES. Selfish,
arrogant, disrespectful, no character, no integrety, no honor, no self-respect.
No consideration for any single thing except for the tickle in their own drawers and the need to satisfy it.
If it were my brother, I'd smack some sense into him.

Answer 2

I don't know exactly how you are feeling, but I'm sorry as a child that you did not feel loved. No child should have to endure that.

First of all, someone needs to educate your parents and advise them that gay people can have children and your parents can still be grandparents of your brother's kids. It may be hard to believe for some, but gay people can fall in love, commit to the person they love, have or adopt children with the person they love, raise the children in a stable, loving home. Gay families can and do celebrate and experience all the things heterosexual famlies celebrate and experience in a way which includes the grandparents. Now, if your parents CHOOSE to exclude the gay family, then that is their choice and cannot be blamed on the gay son.

Beyond that, I can understand why your parents would want to be close to their grandchildren [your kids] and this occurs in many families without gay children. Some move closer to their parents/some do not.

I think an issue here is your resentment from not feeling loved (which I can totally understand) and from now seeing your parents want to love your children. It's as if everyone gets love from them but you. I think that you are going to have to come to terms with what happened as a child. I would advise you [as a Christian] to work to forgive your parents. They did the best they could do, whether it was right or wrong. So let it go. They want to be a part of your children's life so embrace it. (Maybe this, too, is their way somehow of compensating for the love they did not show you.) Let them help and share in taking care of your kids. It will help you have some moments to yourself. Many people no longer have parents (like me). Forgive them, love them, enjoy them, experience them and make happy memories of them and their part in your childrens' lives.

God bless all of you!

Answer 3

The relationship between a parent and a child is unbreakable. Even when you felt that they were excluding you, I can 100% guarentee that they still loved you - nothing can ever truly banish a parents love for their child, and as a mother you will understand that.

However, I would suggest limited contact with your parents. The reason why is simple - they have cast aside a child because he is not what they wanted, and they cannot appreciate the true beauty and individuality of his charecter. Do not allow yourself or your children to become emotionally or financially dependant on your parents, and always remember that you are a mature adult, who is in charge of her own life - the young ones are your children first, and their grandchildren second. Do not allow them to cloud your vision of this. Do not move back home with them - maintain your independance. Keep contact with them, and allow them to see your children - do not forget that you are family - but you are part of your OWN family now, and they should not be allowed to change the way you live.

Answer 4

If you're happy where you are, then stay where you are. As an adult, it's your choice.

I don't know if you've ever talked with your parents about how you feel or how you felt growing up. Maybe it's time. They may not remember the way you do, or maybe they'd deny it. It might clear the air a bit, but hopefully not make things worse.

I would say, at this point, you do need to let go of the hurt and anger and simply live your life. And find a way for your parents to see your kids once in awhile.

Answer 5

That's a tough one. It kind of makes me wish I had a brother to come out of the closet so that I could finally feel wanted by my dad. I've had to pretty much resign myself to the fact that my family and I will very likely never be close again. I'm willing to bridge the gaps as far as I can, but they don't seem willing to meet me even a quarter of the way. I can't do it alone, and I wouldn't if I could. I'll go half way, and I'll even go further. But what they're offering you is not, at least from what you say, acceptance, but choosing the lesser of evils, and that's not a good place for you to be. It sounds like you've made a good life for yourself and that you're happy with it. If you can handle it without them, I'd leave them with their misery. If they truly wanted to build a relationship with YOU and not substitute you for the other son, I'd forgive and go back. But that doesn't appear to be the case. If they're not accepting of him with the lifestyle he's chosen, and made no effort to be a part of your life until now, you don't need them and are better off without them. You might, however, try to become reconciled to your brother. I'll bet he's having a tough time and could use someone in his corner.

Answer 6

i am so sorry you were treated this way and i don't know if i were in your shoes that i would be able to forgive them.
that being said... i am the oldest son of three boys and i was beaten by my father until i was old enough to fight back.
for the first half of my life my father tried to beat the spirit out of me but now he has found god and wants a relationship with me.
well sorry but it's to little to late.
as a teen i was taken in by a man ( who happened to be gay) who showed me what it was like to be loved and taught me right from wrong. because of him i am the man i am today. i am a loving husband and father who has never raised an angry hand to either my children or my wife.
because of him i learned that i needed to forgive my father and allow him back into my life or it could eat away at me forever.
i am not saying you should do this. i am only saying that you need to follow your heart and do what you think is best ...not only for you but for your children.
i am sorry if this didn't answer your question as i don't think anyone can give you the answer to this but i at least hoped i helped a little.

***EDIT****

i have both a boy and a girl... my daughter is 5 years older than my son she is 15 now and there has not been one single day of their lives that i have not actually said i love you to them. they are the first hing on my mind when i wake uo in the morning and the last thing on my mind when i go to bed at night.
answer # 11 mr. reallytrue has it wrong.
kids need to hear it as well as be shown your love.

Answer 7

Hm... so you were basically dissed starting when your brother was born.


I kind of know where you're coming from.

My dad is not exactly a people-person- he'd rather be fixing a car, building something... He and his brothers (no sisters) have been involved in Scouting since about the dawn of time. Unfortunately, I'm the only girl, the oldest of 5. I think that my dad just didn't know how to relate a little girl. Dad really started getting involved with us kids when my brothers got to about 11 or 12 (and I was 13+).

Dad and a couple of my brothers went to the Scout camp in New Mexico (Phillmont) a couple times. Dad spent about $1000 on camping equipment, each time!... Did he spend any money on me?? Ever?

My mom made some effort to compensate for the difference. No, it wasn't much, but she did try.

Since about the time I was 25 or so (I'm now 31), we've had a richer relationship, I think mostly because he knows how to relate better to adult women than little girls.


I can kinda see how you feel- Sure, I was your daughter, but when Bobby was born, I suddenly became chopped liver. And now that Bobby isn't going to be carrying on the family name, I'm suddenly valuable again, worth something..... and you expect me to come running gratefully to your open arms??!? ROFL....

Has your dad's perception of the value of women/daughters changed any since way-back-when?

If it hasn't, you may want to have a sit-down conversation with both your parents before you re-introduce your kids to them. Set some boundaries, rules. Let your parents know that you value your daughter(s) as much as your son(s), and would appreciate if they acted accordingly. Let your parents know that how they treat the kids will determine whether the kids will want to maintain contact with them. If your children want to continue contact, that's fine. If your children don't want to continue contact, you will support your children's choices.

Answer 8

It sounds cruel, but when we marry it is time to cleave to our husbands and children because that changes the bonds of our old relationship. I've had to more completely break away from my Mom in the last year, because she is favoring my sister even though it has encouraged neglect of my sister's children. My husband and I "interfered" on their behalf which greatly upset our Mom. We are now betrayers of our family which we will be happy to do again if nobody else will speak for these children. I wouldn't say don't ever see them or talk to them anymore but don't let them use the children to manipulate feelings. Hopefully you can still have some kind of sibling relationship with your brother. I don't think it was his fault that he was favored to the exclusion of you. My sister has quite often tried to keep our parents' attention on her but I stay open to the chance that we can be real friends in the future.

Answer 9

usually right after birth there is a bond formed between parents and child. unfortunately this apparently did not happen with you and your brother with your parents. the Bible tells that we are to Honour our parents but sometimes that is difficult to do. i know this from my own personal experience with my parents. you need to work on forgiving them for their treatment of you and your brother. the past is what it is and cannot be changed. you need to tell your parents that they can visit with your children but you are not moving back home (unless you are having some monetary difficulties) . that you have your own life to live and you have your own children. i sincerely hope that you are a better parent to your own children than your parents were to you. i do know how you are feeling but it would take to long here to go through it with you. just remember you are not alone. GOD is by your side all the time and unlike your earthly parents, HE DOES LOVE YOU.

Answer 10

I'd tell your parents to go jump in a lake. If they couldn't show you unconditional love when they thought they had their 'legacy', then their love isn't unconditional now. I'd say, "You chose to be uneven and choose a favorite. You've made your decision and now you have to live with it." Chances are if you have both genders of kids, they'll give more attention to the boy(s) and make the girl(s) feel the same way you've felt for over 20 years.