OK, let me ask about the step kids issue again ...?

Question

Please read my previous question and read all the way to the bottom of what I wrote before responding.

Treebird,
Thank you for not judging me. Also, thank you for the advice. I've tried similar things with the kids. I've put things in writing with them before, but I'm willing to give it another try. I don't hate them either. I just get tired of all the chaos. I think you're right, I'll get them to a councellor without their father. Thanks again.

Answer 1

I suspect that these wounded children don't really hate you. They hate the deal that life has given them and you are the visible representation of that, hence their difficulty with you. The mature thing to do (I KNOW it is difficult to keep your hurt feelings out of it) is to try to stay rational. They are still kids and are entitled to parenting. You are the only parent currently available. You have an obligation to provide nurturing care, love and attention to them. You also need to teach them what is and is not acceptable behavior. So don't give up on them just yet, please. Have yet another talk with them and spell out what you want from them. Let them tell you what they want from you. (Yes, I realize they may say "We don't want anything from you.", but that is not realistic, is it?) Write up a contract that sates what their responsibilities are and what the rewards are for doing what they are supposed to do, and what the consequences are for not doing it. You should probably spend some time thinking about this before you get to the meeting with the kids part. You should let them have some time to think about it too, so I suggest that you have a preliminary discussion to present the idea of the contract, and then wait a week before having the meeting to write the plan. You then need to have a weekly meeting to discuss family issues with each other. Set the rules for how people are to participate (Speak in polite tone of voice, listen when someone else is speaking.) Make sure that you only put rewards and consequences in the contract that you will be able to provide.
The therapy suggestion is a good one. And you do not need to wait until their father returns. All three of your children are hurting because he is gone.
And please, don't give up on the kids. They still need you. Remember: The least lovable among us are the most in need of our love.

Answer 2

OK maybe you have read PET, but read the other book I was suggesting. My kids had a step-father, and a step-mother. Also, because of what they had been through, I was the one my daughter would rebel against. She's fine now. They yell at the one who they feel most loves them. Sometimes we answer in self-defense mode. But what works is sometimes to acknowledge what they have been through, and not what we were powerless over, or how we have tried to help them.

Councelling would be extremely good at this point because these children are your responsibility, and there may be problems that could get worse (not that being teens it won't get worse before it gets better). But they need to feel, yes feel, that you will be there for them.

Answer 3

I think words like lame, absurd and selfish are a bit too harsh. I'm thinking more along the lines of frustrated, let down disappointed. I think your husband should have done something about the problem a long time ago. At least you're here, in this forum, looking for help and answers and that says a lot. Again, good luck.

Answer 4

hey there -

just because the father is deployed doesn't mean you can't still take the children to counseling, The problems they are having are extremely deep - mom has practically nothing to do with them, dad has now taken off - they feel abandoned. They are hurting, and you are the closest one to them they can lash out at. Probably the ONLY one they can lash out at.

Stop calling them demonic - you need to get your head out of that mindset - these are children that need a lot of love, even if they don't act like they appreciate it right now, in time they will - as long as you are consistent.

Stop looking at the surface issues, bathing, talking back,etc...are NOT the problems here....you need to help the kids get to the root of their hurt and anger....get them a qualified therapist...they will kick and scream and refuse to go, but you have to make them go - even when it seems like there is no progress - as it will take a while - do not give up.

When your husband gets back,he can get into the counseling with you.

Answer 5

Nope, that didn't help. Your excuses are lame and you still sound like a selfish, arrogant woman who is jealous of her step children. I've never heard of a woman calling her children "demonic" before. You're absurd. Someone should be watching YOU.