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my daughter is dating for the first time
her boyfriend is a disabled boy ... has muscular problems and will no doubt be in a wheel chair for life

he is a great kid and we have spoken on the phone and web cam etc although not met in real life yet
and he is quite happy to have a little fun at his disability
and we are quite a nutty fun family and joke with each other
but when my sister heard that we joked with him , she felt this was wrong .... I feel it is good to laugh at ourself and if he does then he wouldnt be offended by us ....( and he doesnt seem to be )
but we are not used to having someone with a disability around
what are your thoughts on this guys ?
serious honest answers please

2007-07-28 07:04:31 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture Religion & Spirituality

thats what I was thinking Pirate
it would be discriminating not to have fun with them ... if we do it ourself

2007-07-28 07:12:01 · update #1

thank you Enigma , I was hoping someone with a disability would answer and give me a personal view xx

2007-07-28 07:20:59 · update #2

some misunderstood
it is my sister who felt it was wrong to joke , not my daughter

my daughter for instance loves her rock music
so she says that she is rock and he is roll lol
they both found this cute

2007-07-28 07:23:53 · update #3

babdid I find your comment to be quite cruel
my daughter is 16 and the boy is 17 and they are both very sensible
but if one day they decide to get married etc ... then they would have my blessing
she is a wonderful girl who has fallen in love with this boy for who he is

2007-07-28 07:40:49 · update #4

38 answers

Pangel: I myself am disabled. People with disabilities tend to use humor to help deal with their problems. Having a good time and joking with him is probably the best thing you can do. It is not offensive in any way as long as its done with a good heart. To change your normal routine, trying not to offend him, could make him feel like an outcast and that would be wrong. Continue to be your own sweet self, and encourage your family to be the same. Have a wonderful day.

2007-07-28 07:18:09 · answer #1 · answered by Enigma®Ragnarökin' 7 · 9 0

Pangel,
I have been disabled for many years now. I have achrinic pain disorder that they believe I have had all my life but didn't know the way people should feel. My mom and my aunt on my dad's side have the same illness. Our family has always been thetype to joke about things like yours and I wouldn't have it any other way. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry and that's not a life. When your disabled things are funny.
I remember the day that I had to go and get a cane. It was about 6 years ago and my parents and future husband took me to the hospital store to buy one. (They have fancy ones there). Anyway, I was in the middle of picking one out and my Dad had to leave to store. It became too much for him. He was having a very diffucult time with the fact that hi "little girl" needed a cane. When he returned to the storeI began to joke around with him. Since my clothes hurt me I tend to wear really comfy things like sweats and stuff. Well my mom, cute as she is is picking out all these really fancy canes for me and so I started to ask my dad which he felt went best with my ensamble. The people in the store thought we were crazy. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. We constantly get strange stares and dirty looks from the politically correct crowd.
Another example is that I worked in an office for a year where I was the only hearing person. I have never been made fun of so much for being hearing. We used to joke about everything all the time. It was only the people who had nothing to do with it that always had the problem. Your sister though she has good intentions is wrong.
If your very worried talk to the boyfriend about it. I'm sure that he will be completely open with you. Ask him what lines shouldn't be crossed and let him know that all your joking is done in a loving way. I'm sure that to him you have made him feel like a part of the family. The truth is that in the end the only opinion that matters is his!

2007-07-29 01:55:50 · answer #2 · answered by PaganPixiePrincessVT 4 · 1 0

Your acceptance of this boy with disabilities as a romantic choice for your daughter helps me to regain a little faith in humankind. Thank you.

There's a big difference between laughing with someone and laughing at them. I wonder why your sister can't see that? Perhaps she has a problem with her niece dating someone who is "disabled" and is projecting that emotion? Has she spent much time with him? I'm thinking that she hasn't been apart of the joking around, so she doesn't really understand it. Maybe she should spend more time around your daughter's guy, then she might see how inoffensive the joking is.

2007-07-28 09:22:26 · answer #3 · answered by Solarcide 3 · 0 0

Some truly sage, fab advice already given here - Raji made a very good point - some of the best and probably most shocking disabled jokes you'll ever hear will come from people with disabilities, cos the disability is just a fact of life, and they deal with it. And if you treat 'em differently because of a fact of their life, then yeah, it's an elephant in the room and it can be construed as discriminatory. Also, good advice here to get a vibe for how he really feels about stuff, but it sounds to me like he's on the same wavelength as you lot, taking the piss out of whatever he really finds funny, so instinct says you're cool.

Little personal colour for you. First relationship I had, the woman was actually still married, though separated, from a guy with cerebral palsy. I was still pretty green back then, and very very unsure of myself around people with disabilities. Was especially nervous cos his disability seriously affected his ability to speak, and you really had to be around him regularly to get the rhythms of what he was saying in order to understand him. Anyhow, we became quite pally and I became part of his extended care team. First time he made a cerebral palsy gag I was like "What? Are you ALLOWED to say stuff like that??? Do I laugh at that, or is it wrong, or what?"
"Dude," he said. "Here's the rule - if I can laugh at it, you can laugh at it. Now kick back, relax and have a beer."

The lad knew his stuff. Find out what his level of ease with joking is (sounds pretty cool - kudos to your daughter), and go with the flow.

2007-07-28 08:52:17 · answer #4 · answered by mdfalco71 6 · 3 0

The disabled - just like everyone else - they love, and they want to be loved. If you are not used to the ways of them, heed the suggestions from your daughter - she's right on this topic - the disabled *don't* think very much about jokes about their disability, however much they make light of it. The golden rule applies with them, as with everyone else - if you remember that, all will be good.

ADDITIONAL

I have read some of the comments here - sorry, but I have to tell you, what I said above is true. You need not continue to feel guilty, though - just apologise to your daughter if you feel up to it, and remember not to joke the next time round, that's all. Sounds like you have a great daughter - reflects on your own bringing-up of her, I would say.

2007-07-28 07:13:26 · answer #5 · answered by autumnleaves 3 · 4 1

If the person with the disability has not problem with it then a joke or two about it is perfectly acceptable. If that is ALL that is bieng joked about then after a while he'she MAY percieve some discrimination. To avoid that perception just joke about other things as well, let him/her initiate jokes also. Bet they know the BEST disabled jokes of all because they pretty much hear them ALL.

As an aside, I once commented "I've been busier than a one legged person in a butt kicking contest" with a lady that had one of her legs amutated due to bone cancer. She responded with "that's not as busy as you would think" and proceeded to give me a kick in the butt while standing up, hopping and kicking and landing on her foot. Sure surprised the heck out of ME and SHE just laughed herself silly.

Raji the Green Witch

2007-07-28 08:12:34 · answer #6 · answered by Raji the Green Witch 7 · 6 0

it's not wrong, have a laugh.
EDIT
babdib, I have to ask
did you have to work hard to be that big a nob, or did it come natural like.
AND AGAIN
kishor lal.
I have to say in all honesty, I find your post highly offencive. as a person who has a disability(MS) and a wheelchair user, granted not full time, yet. but I have to face the fact that in the future i will be. you really should get your facts straight before you start spouting nonsense. My g/f is with me because of who I am,NOT through pity. and yes, we do have a dammed good laugh about my condition. I suppose you have to allow for the few who comment on things without thinkin.

2007-07-28 10:38:50 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

From what you say, I think you were quite kind and understanding when you made jokes about his disability, especially if he laughed and joined in.
It does seem that you all get on well together and your daughter must be one of a kind to consider him and not herself.
She will have her work cut out but I feel she will enjoy looking after him, and, in my opinion, he will always appreciate her for being the person she is. She needs him as much as he need her. Good pair together. They will do well in life.
Tell her to go ahead and marry him.
Good luck to all of you and your family.

2007-07-28 07:13:29 · answer #8 · answered by Montgomery B 4 · 2 0

I don't see a moral dilemma there... People are people; the outside will fade, only the inside will last. Good relationships are based on mutual acceptance of who your partner is on the inside.

As to joking around, I worked in the disability rights movement a bit in the late 80's... within their group there call each other names that if any outsider called them, there would be a lawsuit. Joking around with you is a sign of acceptable, not offense.

2007-07-28 07:14:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3 0

Pangel,
I also have a disability and I am legally disabled from work as a result of it. I have a number of friends who also joke with me about it. It would not be funny if they were joking "about me" but joking and having fun with me about it is quite alright. As long as your daughter understands that he will have needs that will be difficult to meet at times their relationship is great. It is probably as good for him as it is for her. YOU are a wonderful mother and a tremendous human being. I will pray for each of you as I end this. Have a wonderful day.

PS... I have a sixteen year old who is going out with a young man who also has several medical conditions. He is also a great choice in my opinion and we have approved of their seeing each other.
Thank you,
Eds (Christian)

EDIT... Thank you Enigma, That was most beautiful!!


.

2007-07-28 07:54:41 · answer #10 · answered by Eds 7 · 3 0

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