Do I have a right to be frustrated and angry with my Ex "family"?

Question

I was married to my oldest daughters father at 19 before she was born. We ended up separating when she was 18 months and our divorce was final when she was 3. It was an abusive marriage and I have all the court documents to prove it. To make a long story short he was in and out of her life from the time we separated until shortly after she turned 4 (she is almost 15 now) at which time the court temporarily suspended his parental rights until he got counseling, anger management and parenting classes. He has never complied. The whole time we were going through our divorce and custody stuff his family NEVER came to court, never really expressed much interest in our daughter etc.

My friend saw my ex SIL this morning and she asked if she thought I'd let her see DD. I'm so mad what gives her the right to all of a sudden decide almost 11 years later she wants to see her? WHere was she earlier? I never would have kept her from my SIL!

Am I over reacting or would you be mad too?

I wanted to add that my husband now and his family have loved and raised her as their own since she was 3 so she hasn't lacked in family relationships with wonderful people! She also knows the basics of what happened with his father and family and has seen some of the court documents and at this point has no desire to meet them. That will probably change in the future and I will support her no matter what!
Mom to 4 expecting #5 in Oct

OOPs should have said she knows the basics of what happened with *her* father. Sorry!

Answer 1

hi.yes i'd be mad as hell, and yes you have every right to be upset with our ex SIL asking about your daughter.but maybe you could talk to her and ask her why she hadn't shown much of an interest with your daughter during the times you needed her and during the process of the divorce.she could detach herself from the issue since it was between you and your ex-husband.now,if your daughter doesn't have any desire to meet her "dad's" family,you shouldn't force her to.and explain to your ex-SIL that your daughter didn't want to see any of her "dad's" relatives.maybe your daughter can tell her aunt over the phone about how she felt. and i'm glad that your husband now accepted and loved your daughter like his own. sometimes it could be hard to find someone who could accept you flaws and all.i too was wondering if someone would be able to love me and accept me as i am...and my daughter. good luck. and don't think about it much...you wouldn't want your baby to be borne with a frown on his/her face, do you? lol!

Answer 2

First, congratulations - on being pregnant and on getting on so well with your life after such a pig of a relationship. I know that its frustrating that these people want to suddenly be involved but I would talk it over with your daughter. She is 14, and so a chat - bit of time just for the two of you, and ask her what she thinks. Tell her that you don't want to force her decision, maybe she will meet them, kill her curiosity, then not have much more contact. But if you block the way, and she then makes contact by an accidental meeting or something, you could be painted as the bad one, and jeapordise your relationship with your daughter. Let her decide. Look at it from the other side too, maybe she felt loyalty to her brother? Not much comfort to you, but maybe she thought she was doing the right thing - and you don't know what he had been saying to them about you?? Maybe the woman has seen the light and wants to make some sort of amends? Good luck anyway, its a pretty tough situation.

Answer 3

I would be a little upset that she waited so long to want to see her but i know sometimes things happen and she may have wanted to see her back then just didn't know if she should get involved or not. Since your daugheter is almost 15 now I would leave it up to your daughter and if she says she doesn't want to see them then just leave it at that. Yes she may change her mind later or she may not. I was 14 when my parents divorced and i don't really get involved with my dads family, that was my choice. Right now she may not want to deal with the stress of her biological fathers family, and he may be the one trying to contact her through the SIL it is really hard to say why the SIL all of a sudden wants to see her and maybe your daughter doesn't trust what her reason is.

I applaud you for just being supportive and understanding of your daughters choices. It is a confusing thing for her right now and she will need people to be there for her.

Answer 4

A child can never have too much love.

You have every right to be angry. You have every right to be frustrated with how you were treated by your x-husband and the indifference of his family. I can only speculate as to a reason his family never attempted to be involved previously. Perhaps they knew in their hearts how awful he was and did not want to support him but could not take take sides against him.

I personally think it is a good thing that your daughter's aunt is expressing interest now. I really think it is up to your daughter whether they meet.

Answer 5

of course you do, every right in the world.

Answer 6

no