how to I deal with a 20 yr old who refuses to grow up?

Question

My daughter was what I would call typical in High School. Her Dad and I separated 4 years ago. He refuses to sin the divorce papers. She went to college and lasted 2 weeks before coming home. Hasn't kept a job but helps out around the house. Went to live with her Dad 3 months ago but still is at my house all day and at friends all night. I told her that I wouldn't continue to pay her car insurance(she was supposed to be paying half, not) and that she would have to pay for her own cell phone at he end of this month. She just stares at me when I try to have a conversation with her. I told her I loved her but that it's time that she becomes responsible for things. Her Dad pays for nothing and lets her do whatever she wants, it's not good parenting. I'm frustrated and worried. She's very angry and withdrawing from those around her..What to do????

Answer 1

She is angry because you are expecting her to act as an adult. Take her to a family couselor where the advice of an objective party may have more meaning to her. Heck, you will probably get some pretty good advice there also.

Sure, you could simply "kick her out" but that may bring the opposite result you want. Daddy may delay her from actually "growing up" or she may get into a desperation situation. You don't really want to put her in either of those situations but your choices are very limited.

I've been through almost the same situation. I gave my stepdaughter 6 months notice. It actually took her 9 months but once she was out on her own a while she actually came to me and thanked me for helping her "grow up". That was 5 years ago and I could not be prouder of the responsible adult she has become.
Good luck to you both

Answer 2

Never go on a divorce guilt trip---promise..Never---OK
When I first read your story and felt all the anger and confusion in your life with a grown adult women still living at home. The complete lack of caring and blank stares in the eyes... Your daughter is doin more than nothing---drugs. May have started when she went to college for a couple weeks... She could have been doin stuff for the last couple years. Find the place where she can be tested and if she refuses to go... Pack her bag and let her go make someone else misserable. As a parent---they call it tough love... One other thing is there is no such thing as rehab... That is a word that the government throws money at..... You can spend $10,000 on rehab and she will not care and start all over again... Another $10G---you can spend you entire worth and it will make no difference. Plan for the old age for yourself and forget her... Before she spends the whole wad...

Answer 3

Although it seems you are trying to be a good parent by helping her out, she is never going to learn if she always has mommy there backing her up. Stop paying her car insurance, if the cell phone is in your name, have it shut off and if she wants it back she can pay for it herself. I am 20 years old, i have a fiance and 2 kids, we have our own place and pay our own bills, their is no excuse she couldn't do the same. Also maybe have a talk with her father as well, although i know in some situations that wouldn't help, but its worth a try!

Answer 4

are her friends the same, or all they all a bunch of losers? i assume since you are writing this, that you are showing a good example. does she see that you work, have a schedule, pay things on time, are organized, AND happy? is there something she could get involved in that would help her to schedule her time in a better way? one class at the community college in ANYTHING she is interested in or something...give her good examples of people who plan, set goals and where they are now - and examples of people who don't earn degrees, who don't work - how much more difficult their lives will be. let her know you WON'T be around forever - she needs to learn how to support herself. start small - ask her to move back home and that you will provide room/board for free, and other things, but slowly she needs to become an adult and start paying for her own stuff. don't help her pay to go out. suggest that she find a job she LIKES doing, and do it part-time to get her in the swing of things. good luck!

Answer 5

Kick her butt out! Sorry, but she needs some tough love. Kids like this will only learn when they have to. Tell her she has 6 months to get her stuff out of your house and whatever is left is going to charity/trash. Don't pay for anything. If her insurance lapses, that's her problem, not yours. Don't pay her phone bill. If she's on your plan, suck it up and pay the couple hundred to have her line taken off.

I know it sounds harsh, but why would need to grow up when she's in a position where she doesn' thave to?

Answer 6

Reward her for something, spend time with her, and tell her you are there for her. She might be having her own problems not accepting the fact that your husband and you are separated. And your husband is not strict with her -- so she compares the two of you, and probably thinks her father's better.

It's not a very helpful state of affairs, but it is easy to fall in a trap like this. So try to be good to her (and tell her good things about your husband -- that will make her feel that her mom's a great person) -- and if she asks for things you can't afford, tell her that straightaway.

And keep yourself happy -- everybody likes emulating a happy person -- and you deserve to be happy!

Answer 7

It looks like this female is fantastically insecure. it extremely is thrilling which you confer together with her as your "step-daughter" even nevertheless you're actually not married to him. Freud might have a blast with that one... and you're saying she "has been w/us"... Does that recommend you're all residing collectively? if so you adult men are actually not assisting define those relationships in any respect. She may be as perplexed as i'm. besides, permit her stomp and pout and do despite she needs, he's amazingly probable ideal approximately his youngsters being egocentric. yet have a extreme talk with him and ask him if this has quite created a subject between the two certainly one of you. If he says no then have self belief him, call a family contributors assembly and tell her you like her too and want to be a family contributors. that gets her interest. that's what she needs besides. She's probably merely perplexed on account which you adult men have not made a dedication yet and he or she's afraid you will depart too. young human beings and youthful adults want each and every thing their way and that they are quite nonetheless youngsters, submit to in recommendations? I joined my family contributors whilst the babies have been 9 and 11 and all of us form of grew up collectively. I had never been around youngsters so I had a great number of studying to do too. the main's youngsters, mothers and fathers, mothers, and dads all want to have the protection of "family contributors" with the form it delivers. My youngsters are the two of their 30's now and we are very close. the babies ought to be conscious of you look after them besides as their dad.

Answer 8

You have to set a time and date, that you expect her to start being responsible, that includes going to look for work daily. You also have to tell her that you WILL NOT tolerate disrespect... she's in her home, when you speak she better respond, and tell her in no uncertain terms that IF she doesn't get her act together by ______ (date) she's out.
Sounds harsh yes, but I have raised 2 teenagers, to adulthood, who are responsible and on their own ... I'm on my 3rd now LOL...
Tough love! It works.
Have a good one. Best wishes!!=)

Answer 9

I don't have experience with 20 year olds, as I'm only 27 myself, so I'm not going to pretend to know what to do. That being said, I think you should stick to your guns, and if her father won't get on board, so be it. You can only do so much, and it's going to come back to bite her in the butt. I personally have huge teeth marks in my butt right now.

Answer 10

i think she could be blaming you or her dad for her poor life now becuase of the breakup.. im presuming you and your husband didnt get on well when she was younger and she had to grow up quickly.. now when shes older she doesnt want responsiblity... b.coz if she has responsibility-she will became like you. you had responsibilty and broke up a marriage (im sorry for being so brutally honest) but im geussing thats what you want..