Friends: It used to be fun being me ..........................................................................

Question

The last time it was fun being me was a year ago last April.

It was a beautiful weekend, the snow was gone and green things growing. My wife and I playing with our son, teaching him to throw tennis balls for the dogs.

My wife died in August, my son a week after his fifth birthday.

There was a ray of hope last winter, another last month, but I fear I've been clutching at straws.

It is heartbreaking when people try to cheer me up, not knowing the isolation I return to when I flick the switch. I wish I could take their efforts with me, but they never seem to leave the screen.

People say I need to get out more. But I socialized in my 20s. Fought the good fight for civil rights and human rights in my 30s and 40s. I was settling into the fruits of my labour with a wife who loved me and a son who would replace me.

And here, at 50, when half the eligible population thinks I'm a "dirty old man" and the other half want someone "tall" ...

I already know how superficial and bigoted and hateful and confused people can be. I don't need a refresher course.

But here I am, fighting the good fight, socializing, and holding off the terror that comes with knowing it really doesn't make a bit of difference.

It's just too easy to get along in the world as a superficial, bigoted, hateful, confused person. There is no penalty for it, and no incentive to change.

It used to be fun being me.

I pour out my guts and the second person tells me this question will be deleted because she thinks me a troll.

Great.

Answer 1

I'm sure I may get some thumbs down for this but I dont care. I have to tell you my story. When I lived up north, I suffered with severe depression, I could tell myself to be thankful for what I had till I was purple in the face and all it did was make me feel guilty for feeling sad. It was when my friend of 20 years told me she was going through the same thing and started taking anti-depressants. so I did the same, it was a blessing. It allowed me to pull out of my miserable life enough to make changes that would ensure a better future for myself. I tried 2 different kinds, 1 worked, 1 didnt. It never seemed to make a difference what people would say to cheer me up, but this did make a difference...for me.

EDIT - if finances are an issue, the free clinic (community health center) bases their fee's on your income...mine were free.

Answer 2

Orion,
I am so sorry for your pain. I am even more sorry that you feel so alone when you turn off the computer. I know it doesn't do much but I care for you and if i could take away your pain I would. Sometimes when I look at my little boy i think of you and I cry. Just knowing you has made me cherish each moment with him and my husband.
Each day when I turn on my computer and I come on here I smile because of something you have written. I look forward to corresponding with you each and everyday. Just know that your effect in this world is still felt. You are still fighting the good fight. You are not a dirty old man, you are not an old man. You have much to give to this world and you give to your friends on here each day. If there is any way I can be there for you when the switch goes off just let me know.
Blessings and Huggs.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear it. I hear ya on the 50 thing, I've got a couple years left on "the forties" but it's really not that much better here.

Hey, isolation IS the enemy - find something to get you out of the house. Find an aikido or tai chi class or join a walking club. Anything. Take a class at the local junior college.

Most people with a few miles on the odometer have suffered some loss, you just can't identify with the loss (because if you identify with it, you become the loss and nothing more - life is for the living).

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear of your grief and so thankful you are in a place to share. Having gone thru dark grief myself, I understand how horrible painful it can be to simply have to be human, and in this life, day after day, let alone be stuck with being me.

The human condition is isolation at times. It must be horribly hard to be halfway through your life and be faced with starting again. How tiring.

It is in these times, when hope is almost vanished, that I have found hope is the only thing that warms me. Keep clutching straws that there will be a good day here and there - that it is okay to still be grieving. Try to believe that things will get easier to face, as time moves along slowly, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My one piece of advise - don't run from it - just feel it. There is something to learn from grief. Maybe the most important thing, is that you can carry it, handle it and get to the other side. When you do get through the grief, you will be a survivor of your own right.

Answer 5

I think trying to "cheer someone up" who has suffered the losses that you have is only pouring salt into a wound that is still raw and bleeding. There's a huge difference between wallowing in self-pity (which you aren't) and giving yourself time to begin the long, arduous journey towards as much healing as is ever possible in this lifetime. (Which you are.)

Listen to your own instincts. If it's too soon to get out among people, then lay low and give yourself some more time. You're an intelligent and observant person -- you'll know when you're ready for whatever the next step is.

Sending good thoughts and positive energy your way, my friend. They will stay with you, even when the monitor goes dark.

Answer 6

There's nothing that any of us can say to make it better, but many of us offer our words to you. I'm sure you can build a relationship in time, though now may be too soon for you. Just hang in there. What you've been through must be tough, but it's a part of life. Just try to remember the good things, and forget the bad.
For now, I think you need to get out and do things. Take up a new hobby, interact with people. It may very well do you some good.
Blessed be.

Answer 7

Now I understand a little bit about the root of your many questions on this site. I am terribly sorry for your loss...no one should have to bury their child. No one. For someone enduring your kind of pain, I understand that you find no solace in "everything is for a purpose" cliches, and I will offer you none.
I know I critized pretty heavily your last question, and I still stand by it, but that doesn't mean that I think you are dirty, pathetic, or unworthy of anything but the best in life. I can only hope that you heal with time, but from watching my grandma and other family members who have had a loss such as yours, I know the pain never really goes away, it just gets easier to deal with. If you ever need someone to vent to, you can always email me. I sent you an email yesterday so I know you have my email address.
Take care, one day at at time is the best any of us can do when it comes to pain.

Answer 8

Orion, I have no answers for you. I lost a CAT a couple weeks ago and was devastated. I simply cannot imagine the emptiness you suffer. But hang in there. You might not fall into that perfect relationship now, but try to spend time with friends and doing things that you can find some small joy in. Lose yourself in whatever you can get lost in. There's no replacing those you've lost. No wonder how wonderful a person you find, she will be different... and you may not be ready for different. you want what you had.

Hang in there. (((hugs)))

Answer 9

Orion ... please stop focusing on the negative
Endora made up for that comment from Christie... quite frankly I choked on my coffee ,,, thanks endora lol
and you have some beautiful replies here

sweetheart i know this is easier said than done ... but chin up

you know something that other guy who said you aren't the only one who is suffering .... although he didn't word it too nicely , but he has a point
you have to pick yourself up , get through this .... and try and be there for others
you would be amazed at how helping someone else come through things we have gone through can help us to heal

I would love to help you more on a one to one Orion , I dont mean counselling or anything as I am not a councillor .... but maybe I could help in some way ... I dunno

but I am here if you ever need that , you know where I am and my email is always open xx

Answer 10

How old are you if you don't mind me asking ??? see, you've been a real fighter in your time, and you can be again...it just takes along time to reevaluate whats worth fighting about anymore. stay in this group, and ask for all the help you need, and let people ask you for your help too. i'm here if you ever want to talk...life can be really unfair sometimes and for the love of me, don't ever suppose we'll find out why things happen the way they do. EDIT.....Sorry you already said your age.