What do you think of this (genuine answers only *please*)?

Question

My daughter-in-law has dropped my grandsons off here now and given me a *list* of "holiday clothes" that I am supposed to buy for them (and the cash of course but that is not the point).
The boys *have* plenty of clothes (I have my own for them here too that she doesn't like but they do - on the whole).
Anyway I normally love clothes shopping with the boys (I always buy their school uniforms in Sept. and *I* pay for them although I had some problems this year over her buying teflon shorts for them afterwards -

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AoElsWw288xGLmQQ0UQisyghBgx.?qid=20070613233918AA2mofA

Anyway the point is that they do not *need* new clothes - they have plenty and she will only complain about what I choose anyway.
They don't go away until after next week so *she* could take them shopping for clothes on the weekend anyway.
The boys are all excited about going shopping for their clothes but I can't be bothered.
What should I do?

Just to add - they are seven,eight and three - I have bought many clothes for the older two and they are fine but she wants them in "designer" clothes and it is rubbing off on Lewis and the other two are picking up on that too - why should I bother anymore - they are quite happy here now anyway and it is coming on to rain (as usual) and she doesn't even like me dressing them in waterproofs (practical but not "fashionable") so why should I care? It's *their* (*hers* rather) holiday abroad.Most of it will probably be stuck in the airport anyway!

Oh yes "LIttle Bear" - Asda,Ethel Austin and so on would be fine for me - but *her*? - money (my son's) is not a problem! but let me buy the "wrong" stuff and all hell let's loose.
And I *did* get them into school the other week - I was just dreaming!
Anyway no offence - thank you for answering in a genuine manner and giving me a chance to "vent"!
I *may* go out with them later - who knows?.I need moral support!

Let me emphasise that they do not *need* new clothes - they are supposed to be going to the "home of the sun" anyway and spend all of the time in swimming trunks from what I'm told so what is she about? - *image* (hers) on the 'plane and the hotel I would say and what sort of a holiday is that for the boys? - if they ever get there that is!

Well actually "babyalmie" they *like* the idea that I am doing "Nanna's work" on here while they are drawing a picture for me - it's raining anyway so we can't go out.
Anyhow - thank you for your kind thoughts.

Well "babycakes" - I brought up *four* boys on my own on a shoestring budget and there is *no* need for these boys to have new clothes just to go onto an aeroplane.
Like with food I hate wasting money on clothes that will be thrown out soon - modern-day parents don't know they're born.
What you do with your children is your business - and just see how they cope when you are not there to finance their whims.
Anyway - thank you for your input.

"purplellamatree" : I have bought them nice clothes in the past (and with *my* money although my son does give me some for looking after them them although I don't *ask* for it) but she then complained about them and so I keep the clothes here for them to change into after school and so on and that worked fine except the eldest is starting to complain about them now - picked up from his Mother.
Anyhow - I did take them out today and bought the basics - shorts, t-shirts,socks and underwear and she is happy enough - but they already had those as I say and why they need new items just to go on holiday in I don't know (as I say she claims to be taking them abroad for the sunshine so she will be lounging about all day by a pool or on the beach and all they will need are hats sandals and swimming trunks (and I certainly wasn't going to buy them new pairs of them but I bet she will once she gets over there and sees the latest "fashion" and unecessary clothes for herself too to bring back!)

And "purplellamatree" - the point is my boys *could* go out in any weather if I wanted them to because they had *appropriate* clothes to do so (waterproofs,thick,warm pullovers and so on) - that is my point and not contradictory at all!
I just want the best for the boys like their Father and uncles had.

Just to add she *was* happy enough with what I bought and the boys and I had fun too so it wasn't too bad after all.
Now I must think about packing myself because *I* will need a holiday too while they are away (and my packing will take about five minutes once I decide - I won't need anything new and I'll go by train just as me and my boys used to!).

Well "babycakes" I would explain more fully if you had e-mail but in fact my boys *did* have an orange and pants (or socks) in their Cgristmas stockings and then mainly clothes too as a main present (and my parents and brothers treated them to other things like books and toys and so on).
You are absolutely free to do as you wish with your children but these boys are with me often and I see things she (and my son) often miss so I feel entitled to point them out for *their* (the children's) sakes.Other modern parents *might* also learn something but I am just expressing an opinion.

"mgnavadomskis" - well if I were to go fully into everything my questions would be even longer than they already are!
I only come across as so critical because I just give the salient points.
I am from Yorkshire and we speak our mind here but I do *not* criticise her in front of the boys and it was only after she'd gone (and she *did* whisk in and out as she was late for work and thrust the list and money into my hands - along with the boys!) that I thought about it.I just thought I'd put it out on Yahooo Answers - what is wrong with that?
I normally only ask practical questions that may help me and her - like over the teflon shorts or water on aeroplanes and the answers can put my mind at rest.
My name and Yorkshire Rose are distinctive so those who do not like my questions can simply ignore them if they so wish - but thank you for your considered answer - there *is* food for thought there other than your *wrong* assumptions about the relationship between DIL and me.

Well "Lady Moonlight" I *did* take them in the end as I have mentioned above - but I don't blame you if you didn't get to reading down that far!!!!

Answer 1

Hmmmm....

Well, the best thing to do from my experiences and kids (as I somehow get saddled with babysitting the kids while on our family hols and they're a nightmare!!) is to go and get the cheapest multipacks of t-shirts, shorts, that sort of thing. Reason why, they're only going to hit the beach, pool, restaurant, play park or even the hotel/apartment where you're going to be staying and wreck the living cr*p out of them, so there's not much point in paying out loads for the bare basics.

My friend got her little son loads of designer clothes for his first holiday out of Debenhams in Lakeside.

Next thing she knew once he had worn them once or twice, they were scuffed, worn looking and had stains and holes in.
She was soooooo gutted! Now though, she'll pop into Asda, Tesco, Matalan, Primark or anywhere else that have nice clothes that aren't going to break the bank and kit him out completely for maybe a total of around £45.
Compared to Debenhams or somewhere like that....YIKES!

I'd just gently suggest that kids is kids. Get them cheap stuff that you can just throw away once they get home if they're proper wrecked. Matalan is great for kids clothes, so is Next (their clothes are pretty tough, too!) and if they're after something a bit more pricey but still fashionable, Gap.

Teflon shorts though are ok. I had them when I was at school and they were tougher than the average pair of trousers as well as being water and stain repellant.
Then again I was always a tomboy and was constantly playing football and doing all the stuff that little girls DIDN'T do and needed to have clothes that could stand up to me and my "antics!" (Including mud, and of course every time I even opened my lunch box at school, food!)

Answer 2

I think this is a case of choosing your battles - it's obvious that you feel like you can't win with your dil - that she dislikes everything you choose for your grandchildren. However, it's clear from your tone that you feel the same way about her.

I think most of these answers are correct - this isn't about clothes shopping, it's about your relationship with your dil (and by extension, your son and grandchildren). I think you need to be careful about how you telegraph your disapproval to your grandkids - if they are excited about an outing with Nana to buy clothes and you won't go just to spite your dil then you're all losing, and they will sense the tension between you and their mother.

My grandmother was passive aggressive with my mother when I was a kid - never overtly nasty, but always hinting that there was a better way, and had she ever thought about doing things this way, and my that's an interesting choice...by the time we were teenagers we didn't spend much time with Grandma anymore. You don't want to put anyone in the position of having to choose between you and your daughter in law - three guesses as to who would win.

Take the kids shopping, let them choose some stuff, and hand it to you dil with the receipts and a smile - say "I'm sure you won't like it all so it's a good thing you still have time to exchange things!" Try to be light hearted - if you don't go off about every little thing they'll be more likely to take you seriously about the important stuff.

Answer 3

Now before I start I mean all of this with kindness - but the objectivity you can take when you're not directly involved.

I would say this has nothing to do with clothes - you're being bothered - what they do and do not need.

This is you questioning you dil parenting skills - because you don't like her - and the reason you don't like her is coz she has taken you're son away from you!!!! - you don't think she is good enough - you think that she takes advantage of you're son - the comment about you're son's money - said it all.
It's not you're son's money - he may well go out and work - but each partner in a family set up have a role - equal role - different - but equal.
You're son probably could not function without his wife's support -
I can hear you now - oh yes he could because he'd have me!! - am right?
But he wouldn't because a wife can give something - other than the obvious - that a mother cannot!!
I am sure you're son loves you both equaly - equal but not the same! -
Be a friend to you're dil and stop picking holes in her - I'm sure she's not perfect - but who of us are?!!
Enjoy you're grandchildren - take them shopping - if she doesn't like what you buy - so what! - have some fun - it's her money you're risking - you have absaloutely nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Maybe she won't ask you again if you get really outrageous!!
Also I wonder how this is making you're son feel - torn between two women that he loves - don't make him make choices - coz I think I know who will win.
As for bringing kids up on a budget - well bully for you - I have what is politely known as a "negative income" and it's no fun - if I was in you're dil position I would probably be much the same.
I think her asking you to do something like this is quite a mark of respect to you because she must be aware of how you feel about her - she's you're sons wife - his choice - they don't really even need you to be part of their lives - but they choose to include you -
SO ENJOY - AND STOP GROUCHING!! -

Answer 4

They are her children tell her to get off her bum and do it herself.
The more you do the more they will let you!
I am 27 I have 2 1/2 yr old twins they only get clothes and shoes if they need them like the fact that I decided to potty train we made sure they understood that you have trousers and pants to pull down, have got to get them some new pj's as they are getting a bit short in the leg, Ha ha.
Me my hubby and the twins live off of his wage, we don't go out and spend frivolously we get what we need if and when we need it.
I know what you mean by modern day parents just to reassure you we aren't all like that, my 2 have NEVER spent a night away from me they have only ever been left with my Mum & Dad and my sister for a few hours at a time! We don't go to the pub or out to restaurants.
Yes we did have a holiday last year ,to a caravan in norfolk, we needed to buy a new carpet for the stairs and landing so we aren't going on holiday this year,the kids got a trip to the zoo !!
Hope all goes well x

Answer 5

You didn't say what type of relationship you have with your daughter-in-law, whether it's good or bad. However, why can't you be bothered? Is it because you are tired, or the fact that you do not get on with your son's wife? By your own admittance you love to go shopping with the boys, but you did say that you had a problem with HER buying teflon shorts. And you said that in YOUR opinion they had enough clothes. I get the feeling that it's not the clothes shopping that's the problem here. (Excuse me if i have overstepped the mark). Why don't you be cautious and just enjoy the shopping with the boys like you normally do. In time, if you keep buying clothes that she doesn't like, then maybe she will stop asking you. Try and have a word with your son about it. It's really not worth family problems is it? Hope everything works out for you all.

Good luck

Answer 6

If you have been happy to shop for her kids clothes before she obviously thinks you won't mind this time. Surely it's up to her how she dresses them as long as she's paying. They don't sound old enough to care either way. She probably has a long list of other things she needs to be doing on the weekend, such as packing, cancelling the milk etc, so wants this job done out the way.

If you don't want to do it, then just make an excuse and don't do it. Sounds like they'll survive without. And maybe she'll think twice about dumping a chore like that on you next time.

Answer 7

I think the problem is an issue with your daughter in law and that you seem to resent her maybe for taking your son away. She maybe shouldn't have dropped them of in the first place but you seem to be like my mother in law and you want to find fault where there isn't any with her decisions on how she wants to dress her kids. Its up to her what style she chooses for her children be it designer or not and how much clothes she wants to buy. If they have the money then that's fine. Is the issue that you didn't have the money to spend when your kids were young and that the daughter in law seams to have an easier life than you had and maybe your jealous of this now be fair and think before you answer this even to yourself. You had your Chance to be the mother and make the decisions with your own kids and how would you have liked it if your mother in law was like yourself being critical about nothing. I have gone through this with my own mother in law where nothing I could do was right and in the end it all blew up and nearly burst my marriage up and all because she was jealous of the fact that some other woman featured in he sons life. I haven't spoken to that woman now for 12 years and it has really messed this family up so PLEASE before it gets to that point with you stop all this criticism and rivalry. Why dont you bin all the clothes you bought as you said "They like them on the whole" which really reads they dont really like them and you are forcing your will on them. If you bin them then she will have to bring their clothes with them and they will get the use out of them and they maybe wont have more clothes than they need. Your son loves you but its a different kind of love that he has for his wife you know what I mean by that so please stop all this nonsense and get along with your daughter in law because Im sure you want to feature in your grandchildrens life and for that matter your sons and this could all needlesly end if the bitching doesnt stop.

Answer 8

Wow maám! She GAVE you a list of clothes YOU are supposed to buy! What a tall order!

If your daughter in law CAN NEVER agree with you with what YOU BUY for HER kids, then why do you STILL want to buy for them? That is very odd, isn't it?

Don't you think it is time you TELL her to stop this practice? Tell her you cannot carry on. She seems to already have an idea on what the kids needs to wear. Tell her you don't really know what she wants.

Tell her also this are her kids. Shouldn't she take the responsibility to buy their clothings?

Hey lady, these may be your grand kids, but they are still her children. You can't get involved in their affairs too much.

Good luck to you. : (

Answer 9

Well being a mother myself of a little girl, i too think they can never have enuf clothes! i ave the whole designer problem, but what harm is she doin wudnt it b worse if she wanted u to pay for the clothes urself!! I do understand where u are comin from tho, so maybe u shud just sit her down give her back the money an ask her to buy them herself as u dont want to buy the wrong things..

Answer 10

I think it is obvious your daughter in law trusts your choices or should would not have let you buy them in the first place, she has given you a list and the money, why not take them shopping as that seems to be what has been planned and let them choose some items and you should have an idea of what your daughter in law likes and what they usually wear and the shops she shops at etc. If you really do not want to do it them I would let her know you do not want to do it again.