(harsh critiques welcome) rewrite of last intro paragraph?

Question

I would like to get into a career position at Starbucks. I'm trying to write an interesting, ear catching letter.

Working at a universal, socially conscious and ecologically responsible haven for creativity is a great desire of mine. Through research I have found that Starbucks Coffee Company is the ideal fit for such a dream.
I am a creative university graduate with a desire to build a solid career and income base while furthering professional achievement. Along with my outgoing personality, the experience of growing up with a family business unfolding from the ground up has encouraged me to seek understanding of cultural diversity and people of all ages. Extensive experience in the service industry, and currently working at my family’s financial firm, has given me confidence in serving a broad range of people.
I believe l would be a valuable resource for Starbucks Coffee Company.

Answer 1

here's a start:

I really want to work for a socially and ecologically responsible company, and I know Starbucks is this and more.

I can bring so much to Starbucks, from my outgoing personality to my background in a family business that employed a diverse set of people.

I'm creative, motivated, and smart, and I have much experience in the service industry. I really do believe I fit your fine company like a glove.

Answer 2

My first impression was that it was way too flowery. But on reading it again, I'm not so sure - it does have a lot of meat in it. The only thing I'd add is some hint of what kind of job you are looking for, probably in the sentence about career, income base and professional achievement - if you just leave it totally open, they'd probably toss the letter.

I'm assuming that as a university grad, you're looking for some headquarters position. If you're looking for a job at the counter in the local store, then I go back to my first impression above.

Answer 3

I don't want to be harsh on you, but if this is a cover letter it does not follow the standard format.

The format for a cover letter is standard. Your letter should conform to acceptable business practice. The first paragraph of the letter should establish: Why you are writing. What position you are applying for. And how you found out about the position.

The second paragraph provides you the opportunity to match your unique skills and abilities with those required for the position. You need to direct the employer to your resume and then state those assets that do not appear on your resume but that qualify you for the position.

The third paragraph is your closing paragraph. It states your appreciation for the employer’s time and consideration, and when you will contact him or her to set up an appointment.

An acceptable closing is Yours truly, or Very truly yours or Sincerely

Peace and blessings!

Answer 4

You have a great introduction you just need to move the sentences around a little. Put the last sentence first. Next put in the sentence "I'am..." then "Extensive..." then "Through research...is the ideal fit for my dream to work at a...creativity." Then finish it off with "With my outgoing personality and a willingness to work with many different people, I make the ideal candidate for your next new hire."

Write it up look it over and see if it doesn't flow a little better. Good job!!! Good Luck!