(harsh critiques welcome) Discouraged Graduate seeking resume advice...really earnestly seeking help.?

Question

This is a draft for a cover letter/objective statements/something. I'm trying something new and interesting as my job search so far has been disappointing:

This isn’t a difficult intro to draft. Why would working at a universal, socially conscious and ecologically responsible haven for creativity be a hard sell for an artistic university graduate with a desire to create a solid career and income base while furthering a lifetime of professional achievement and business chops. Along with my outgoing personality, the experience of growing up with a family business unfolding from the ground up has encouraged me to seek understanding of cultural diversity and people of all ages. Extensive experience in the service industry, and now working at my family’s financial firm, has given me confidence in working and serving a broad range of people. I know I will be a valuable resource for Starbucks Coffee Company serving as a Real Estate Assistant (job code) or a Store Manager (job code).

Working at a universal, socially conscious and ecologically responsible haven for creativity is a great desire of mine. Through research I have found that Starbucks Coffee Company is the ideal fit for such a dream.
I am a creative university graduate with a desire to build a solid career and income base while furthering professional achievement. Along with my outgoing personality, the experience of growing up with a family business unfolding from the ground up has encouraged me to seek understanding of cultural diversity and people of all ages. Extensive experience in the service industry, and currently working at my family’s financial firm, has given me confidence in serving a broad range of people.
I believe l would be a valuable resource for Starbucks Coffee Company.

The 2nd one is a rewrite. I got way too ahead of myself with the 1st one...thanks for the heads up.

Answer 1

1) no contractions or abbreviated words (isn't, intro.)
2) very wordy - lay off the big words and long winded sentences. People like to breathe while they are reading, that is the point of punctuation
3) too many generalities, give specific examples
4) the "why would working at...business chops" should end with a question mark. I had to read it 3x to make sure it actually was a question and to figure out what you said.
5) the first sentence, "This is a difficult..." comes across as insulting and arrogant. I would stop right there and move to the next cover letter.

Basically, way to wordy. The point of a cover letter is briefly introduce yourself and make them want to look at the next page - your resume. I would suggest that you check out a resume book from the library and read some sample cover letters. You might also try the career resource office at your university.

Answer 2

This comes across as an insincere smart-alec.
It's not surprising you have had poor results so far.
First you need to be extremely polite at least once.
The cover-letter should address the specific company.
You might want to persue several avenues, one at a time.
The factual information is all there, just present it factually.
As a busy executive trying to fill a position,
I wouldn't even finish reading this letter.
Let alone look at the resume attached.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are trying too hard, which may come across in a couple of ways. 1. You think you are too good for the role and couldnt possibly understand why you wouldnt get the role 2. you are over qualified and they dont think you will stick around for too long. Keep it simple and easy to read, as a recruitment consultant, we tend to tune out when people try to oversell. Try something like:

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to apply for the position of ______ advertised _______ on ______/07.

I have advanced customer service skills and the ability to build rapport with customers. I have a strong work ethic and I feel working for a large reputable organisation such as star bucks would enable me to use these skills to the best of my ability. I am honest, reliable and understand the importance of customer relationships.
I have previous experience working with customers in my familys firm, and I feel this has given me the confidence to work with and serve a broad range of people.
I have attached a copy of my resume for your reference. Please feel free to contact me anytime regarding this application.

Kind Regards,

me.

You really dont need all the frills. Also, if you are applying for a management position, include things like training staff, organising rosters, monitoring OHS standards, liasing with people on all levels including management, etc. You need to keep it job specific.
If it is for the real estate assistant, include details on your computer skills, and any other things you can find from your previous exp that you can relate to the role. read the job description and address the selection criteria!

Hope this helps. !

Answer 4

Flaring passion ignites. Discord born in discontent. Maleficent echoes of distant future. The battle of the moment becomes the tyranny. We shake our heads at the past, never ceasing to let strife rear its head, whenever we disagree. I think it is pretty lame. I don't like the flow. I don't like the use of periods but the omission of commas. I don't like the lay of the lines...why do you feel a need to make sentences ended with periods straddle two lines? In doing this I would presume you would like a pause between lines, but this would be indicated by commas. I'd prefer you just omit punctuation altogether and allow the reader more freedom in interpretation. You may have some good ideas, but it appears you are trying to link everything in something of a Gyre...I think you'd want to draw this out more rather than trying to make it so concise. I also don't like "We shake our heads..." and then "rear its head..." maybe you could use a different image hear...lots of moving heads hear! I think it needs a lot of work. You need to read and think more...but if you are 16 it is pretty good.

Answer 5

They are people to look over your resume at your college. That is were they helped me. They made me sound great!!! Many colleges check resumes and cover letters online. Go for it.

Answer 6

Go to http://www.free-resume-help.com for advice on sprucing up your resume.