I recently divorced and have 3 boys who are going into the 12, 10 & 7 grade. I just sold our house in north jersey and am currently living with a friend in the same town, trying to decide where to move to w/ the little we have to spend. My entire family lives in south jersey and is very supportive. Plus housing is a lot cheaper. But my son is going to be a senior and doesn't want to move out of town. He's very hard to work w/ & I have very little trust in him to allow him to move in with a friend or his father for the yr. I feel that moving would push him over the edge (he blames me for the divorce) and cause more trouble than he is to begin with, but at the same time feel that moving south will give me more support and a better life for my other 2 boys. Waiting another yr to move south will be too expensive. What would you do?
2007-07-26 11:32:46 · 12 answers · asked by Emily M. 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My ex husband is not the best father or a great role model. He has a tempor which is where my oldest son gets it from. His parenting skills consist of yelling until you do as he wants while mine are the complete opposite.
2007-07-26 12:18:03 · update #1
Singledad- thank you for your heartless comment. For a single parent, you think would have some more advice. When you have a 17yr son who's seen and heard what mine's been through, let me know how it goes.
2007-07-26 12:38:43 · update #2
Honey, I'd move on and start over, it's not like your going overseas, so just pack up all your boys and do what's best for you. Your oldest son will come around.
2007-07-26 11:36:59 · answer #1 · answered by nina n 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess this is really something you have to try and talk to your son about... It sounds like this is a really painful situation. Do you think that you can be a better mother to him with support? Do you think uprooting him will be more painful in the short or in the longterm? Those are questions to think about.
Personally, I would feel more comfortable leaving him with a friend than taking him along, were I to go. Perhaps being in the real world for a little while would be good for him? It's not as though you're abandoning him, seeing as he wants to stay. Depending on his maturity level, if he already resents you, chances are pretty good a forced move would shred your relationship completely. Maybe offering him a chance to prove himself to you and giving him a chance to gain your trust would work best? Offering him a starting over card for a little while, if you prove you're mature I'll let you stay and finish out your year, that way you've set out guidelines and given him a real chance. He could very well surprise you?
You're under a lot of pressure with this, and I appreciate that. If you think staying is going to adversely affect your other two boys, who I presume are younger, you may want to seriously think about how this will affect their future. Focus on their needs too, even if they're not as vocal about the move, don't let them get overshadowed.
I am sure you love all three of your sons, and whatever decision you make on the matter, don't spend your life regretting it or wondering what would have happened if you made another decision. Just go with your gut about it and do your best to deal with the consequences. If you really feel the only way for you to get out of this situation and be a good mother for your kids is to have the support of your family back home, do your best to go there and heal.
My best wishes for you and your family.
2007-07-26 18:47:20 · answer #2 · answered by newsong 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My opinion is that you need to sit with your son and discuss this with him as an adult. He is in his senior year and growing into a mature adult, you need to make him feel like he has some say in his life. Let him know that you respect him and his thoughts on the subject but that ultimately you are the parent and you will make the decision that is best for your family.
Also, try offering him a deal. If he doesn't want to move he has a certain amount of time to prove to you that he can be responsible enough to stay behind with a friend or dad. If he doesn't prove to you that he can do it, then deal is off and he moves with you. If he stays, then he must uphold certain agreements about grades, behavior, etc. If he doesn't then he will be yanked out and live with you again.
This puts the "control" in his hands and allows him to be able to make the decision as to what he wants to or is willing to do.
If dad is willing to work with you set up boundaries with dad that you both agree on and make them clear to your son before you ever begin, that way there is no confusion on what will be expected of him.
Aleah
2007-07-27 09:20:17 · answer #3 · answered by Aleah H 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you have very little trust in him or his father but here is an idea and it will show how serious he is...He could stay with his father during the week but has to give up all weekends fri-sun and all days off of school the long weekends ect and be at your house unless it is a major school event like homecoming or something...In that case he goes to the event and comes to your house immediately after...Also tell him he must keep his grades and whatever GPA you currently expect of him...This way if grades drop it is his fault he can't stay there and if he isn't willing to give his fun weekends up then it must not be that important to stay at that school...I think that is a fair trade..I agree that it may push him over the edge if you just come down like the hammer and make him move, but this way you can show that you understand him and he needs to understand where you are coming from and this is a fair compromise...Good luck..
2007-07-26 18:41:54 · answer #4 · answered by Knock Knock 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say move to the South were your family is you are going to need the support and help now. I wouldn't let your son make the decision you are the adult and he will adjust. Sounds to me like your son is playing you, kids are good at this aren't they. If your son decides not to move with you this will be his choice, but you have to look out for yourself and the other children too. Go with your own gut instinct, I would do the move and have a new fresh start. So you go girl :)
2007-07-27 01:44:33 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wish you would have elaborated about his father. If his father is willing and a decent parent I would let him stay with him. It might be good for him and also help him see both sides. For example if he sees some of the negative of your ex, he might not be so quick to blame you.
Family support is vital and you have to do what is best for your whole family. I would say move now and let him finish school where he is. His resentment towards you might get resolved with some distance.
2007-07-26 18:38:47 · answer #6 · answered by crct2004 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I can understand where your older son is coming from as I was in that situation some 20+ years ago. He has friends he doesnt want to leave. Let him stay with his father if his father is agreeable to it he's going to be 18 in a year anyway.
jus my 2 cents
2007-07-26 18:46:05 · answer #7 · answered by rsist34 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Move...he will get over it..and he needs to understand that the move is best for your family if he is going to be so self centered let him live with dad for awhile...
2007-07-26 18:35:51 · answer #8 · answered by rowdysunsetart 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay put & try to work with his father to continue parenting the children. Better he has two adults working together who know him than one adult busy settling into a new home/job/school district.
2007-07-26 18:37:09 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I would move and seek some type of counselling for your older son!
2007-07-26 18:35:49 · answer #10 · answered by ♥sexy momma♥ ;-) 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋