Elderly parents that just do not treat us equal- opinions please?

Question

My parents in their 70's- me in my 40's married and have daughter- 2 brothers in their 50's married, I have 3 nephews and 1 neice. I mow my parents grass, do moms hair weekly, groom their dog, run mom to doctors, etc.. Mom has a neurological disease and dad a heart condition. Brothers and family does NOTHING to help them AT ALL- I do everything- today dad drove to water one brother's yard and flowers- then ran to the other's to let their dog out because they are down the shore for a week. They take vacations all the time, live their life, meanwhile I bust my rump for them and today I told my mother it bugs the hell out of me that treat my brothers like royalty, and I am crap. Mom didn't answer me- I mentioned how in my family My parents always go to either brothers for holidays, we never get a holiday EVEN MY SISTER IN LAWS MOM GETS NEW YEARS! Mom said nothing- I am right, they treat me like crap then buy us stuff. Should I back off or what? I need a life and tired of being tired.

I have been married 14 yrs- we have a beautiful home- why don't we get at least a holiday at our house- by the way I have not spoken to my brothers and family for years- one brother didn't even come to our wedding- no reason, i did not make them upset, or have any words, suddenly after refusing to borrow my sister in laws size XXXX dress because i was a size 8, she refused to go and demanded my brother not to go-
My family is so twisted- maybe part of me is jealous that my brothers can live their lives selfishly and free- while I take care of my parents, daughter, home, dog, husband, etc.. etc.. My husband tells me to stop doing things for my parents, that they treat me like crap- I want to stop doing moms hair too, tired of doing it every week but because of her condition it is hard for her to get out, lay back, etc.. I would move away but we just fixed our house up- and cannot afford it.

Answer 1

Karen, from the way you answered questions, I knew you are a very kind hearted lady, that's why I put you as my contact. I like you and I understand how you feel being treated that way.

I am married too and is also taking care of my own aged parents. My brothers and sisters have their own families and they only visit us once in a while. I too have to bring them to doctors, hair cut, take care of their daily needs.

Though, sometimes I think why should I be the one who have to take care of them? But I love them and I feel that they are the one who brought me up and love me unconditionally and when I am sick they are also very concern. So in a way, we take care of each other.

I am sure you love your parents too and is taking care of them dutifully. May I suggest that you go for a holiday with your husband for a week or so, just to make them feel that your presence is very important. They will realise that they need you, and will change their opinion on you. Tell them frankly what you think if they did not change.

Try to spend more fun time with them, like having them for the new year, or going on a holiday with them? This will also strengthen your bond with them.

Answer 2

Karen that is a very sad story but one that is all too common, so don't worry you are not alone. Obviously your folks feel that you are better able to manage your life and look after yourself. And although it sounds sexist and/or old school they may believe that it is your responsibility as a female to do these things that you currently do to help them. Parents are funny animals and do treat the sexes differently and usually treat the males as if they can't even tie up their own shoes. I am a male in my early fifties and know how my mom treats me, so this is what I am going on also. If you can talk with your siblings and let them know how you are feeling and ask if they can start helping you'll feel better just asking whether they listen to your concerns or not. Please continue to be the good daughter and not only will you feel better about doing so after your folks pass but trust me when I say that your kids will end up doing the same for you someday. Maybe your nieces and nephews won't be there to help out your brothers as they have not witnessed this by their folks. Karma does have a long and good memory and you will be rewarded for this somewhere along the line. Best of luck.

Answer 3

Wow that is really unfair! You should not back off (of telling her how you feel but do back off of doing things for them) just keep on until they realize how mad it makes you and unfair it is. If they still dont act like they care and appreciate what you do then then stop doing so much for them tell them if they dont appreciate what you do your not going to do it anymore then maybe they will apoligize when they realize how much you do for them and how much they need you. Then after they apoligize you should bring up the holiday thing and tell them that you would really like to do at least one major holiday every year at your house. Also you should try talking to your brothers about it and asking them to help you out with all the stuff.

Answer 4

Listen to your husband, he is your mate for a reason and he has the answer. Quit doing so much for them. No one is holding a gun to your head. You are expecting something back and its not gonna happen. Use your time for your own family. Let your parents ask your brothers for help. When they say no to them it might be interesting to see what happens.

Answer 5

If not for you, your parents would have to hire someone to help them out. Your brothers are worthless and your parents know that whether they admit it or not. You're the bigger person and always will be in this situation.

Answer 6

Back off for a while and then when no one's checking for your parents they'll come around and realize how much they really need you.

Answer 7

karen what you want is a pat on the back and some one to say hey Karen what would your parents do with out you................Just walk away if you fill you are being used