what causes a person with borderline personality disorder to love you to death and then leave you multiple times? My soon to be ex wife has done this on multiple occassions. This last time she was in the hating stage because she had an abortion and it was all my fault that she had one (her choice). That was just enough drama that broke the camels back with me. I am now divorcing her and giving her what she wants. She wanted to leave and got a lawyer. When she moved out she took all our wedding and family pictures, ripped them up, and put them all over my car and in the garage. I don't understand borderline. This is what she wanted....to leave and be divorced. I haven't had any contact with her in 3 months now and I feel like I got hit by a truck in this last year with her rage and verbal-physical attacks and all the drama between us and between her and her family. Now she's telling everyone I'm borderline and dangerous. I was so patient with her. How should i treat her now she's gone?
2007-07-26 08:26:46 · 6 answers · asked by survivor 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
Honestly, it is believed that the Borderline is stuck in an early stage of development. Think about when little kids run away from their mom, but stop and realize they are scared and need to have her, so they run back. This is the Borderline summed up.
Without intense therapy, the Borderline will be stuck.
Your best bet is to cut your relationship with her, unless she gets therapy. Otherwise, you will always be a target of her anger because she once loved you, run away, and wants to come back...
2007-07-26 08:32:40 · answer #1 · answered by riptide_71 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
The borderline is very extreme in all their emotions - it's always a love-hate relationship. I think it's because of attachment issues while they were growing up. Perhaps they had people leave or die and were unable to cope and unsure what to do with those feelings. They push people away to avoid the pain but then get lonely and want the person back.
I think it's equally as frustrating to you as it is to her. Obviously she is unable to control her emotions, and I am sure that it scares her. She needs a lot of help - it is extremely hard and grueling to treat someone with this disorder - mostly because they have the same type of relationship with the counselor - like them one day, hate them the next.
It's important for you to take care of yourself right now. If putting distance between you and her is the best thing, than you have to do it. You can still be polite and cordial if you run into her, but I wouldn't try being friends with her.
2007-07-26 19:36:55 · answer #2 · answered by Fruit Loops 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"This is what she wanted."
-False
People with BPD do not have a consistent want or need, other than intensive, prolonged psychosocial/psychiatric help. The very nature of the illness is such that they constantly swing back and forth from idealizing a person to completely devaluing them. Therefore, one day she'll desperately want and need you to show her that you love her. The next, she'll want and need you to get the f*** out because you're so useless and horrible at making her happy. This is what it's like to be around someone with this horrible disorder. It's like constant, extremely severe PMS. It can really make you feel like you're a fish that's been hooked, and all you can do is try to avoid being dragged to the surface and gutted, but it rarely feels like anything is working.
The disorder itself consists of a sort of "splitting" between good and bad. People are either all good or all evil, and it can change on a whim. People with BPD also do not have a secure sense of who they are. This means that they often feel reliant on others to be happy and okay. If they believe someone is meeting their needs, they idealize them and think the world of them. If they perceive that the person is NOT meeting their needs, the world is ending and it's all that other person's fault.
BPD is a nightmare. It is probably bar-none THE most difficult disorder to handle. Most people will say it can be worse than schizophrenia or Bipolar, but regardless, it is extremely difficult to handle.
How should you act now that she's gone? Continue to act like a steady ship. Expect her to say ridiculous things about you. Try your very best not to be internally affected by the things she will say or do. It takes a lot of personal strength and security in your own identity and abilities to be able to handle knowing someone who has neither.
2007-07-26 15:33:52 · answer #3 · answered by Buying is Voting 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Women with bpd are really children emotionally. Most suffered some trauma as a young child, failed to connect emotionally with one or both parents and are "trapped" emotionally at ages 2-5. They feel overwhelming fear, like any child trying to cope in an adult world. They need someone to take care of them, and really search out the person they think best fits the bill. Because they are children, they think only in black and white terms. They cannot reconcile the everyday contradictions of their saviour. Unable to reconcile them, they bounce back and forth between extremes. They deny that the saviour has any flaws to maintain the ideal that they need; but, as is always the case, they "see" a flaw that they cannot deny and push the saviour away, painting him black. Eventually, they sense the saviour as tiring of them, and fearing abandonment, abandon the saviour first. BPDs also have a fear of engulfment -- meaning that the saviour's personality will overwhelm their own and they will cease to exist. If they feel this overwhelming engulfment, they will also run. They cannot accept the blame (because they would be the "bad" person) and so they blame the saviour. Their behavior, to those who love them, is nearly incomprehensible. As a physician in the 17th century wrote, "They love without measure those whom they will soon hate without reason."
Good luck.
2007-07-27 21:44:45 · answer #4 · answered by ronin5552 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I wish I could give you an answer about what causes a BPD person to love you and then hate you with no in between. All I know is that having a relationship with a Mom who is like this is the most difficult challenge I have even faced in my life.
2007-07-26 16:25:30 · answer #5 · answered by sonofabpd 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she's also Bipolar. My live in boyfriend is both and rages out of control about 4 times a year. I just avoid him during those times and go stay with friends or at a hotel. After a few days, it's like nothing happened. I can agree with you on the dramatic verbal abuse victims suffer. It takes time to heal after an episode. I advise you to end your relationship with her and go on with your life. Unless she goes for constant treatment, she will never be stable and your life will always be a roller coaster ride. Get a restraining order out on her so she can't do anymore damage. Good luck!
2007-07-26 16:38:27 · answer #6 · answered by MissKathleen 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋