I want to be a stay at home mom and fiance does not want me to...?

Question

I am getting married April 2008 and my fiance & I were disscussing kids. He says he won't be able to afford a home, bills, food, and kids on his ($120,000) salary b/c he also pays $1000 in school loans. We have no family near us and I really do not want my kis growing up at a daycare. I must admit I grew up with my mother staying at home. My sister also worked for a nicer daycare & said she would never put her kids in daycare. I told him I would go back to work once they are both in school but that I wanted to work at the school for I could have the same time off as the kids. I am willing to have a part time job 2 or 3 days a week while my kids are small but my air traffic controller husband would have to be home. Yes, air traffic controllers have all sort of weird hours.
His friend who works with him even thinks I should stay at home b/c my salary right now would not cover the cost of daycare, gas, and clothing (for me at work). How do I convince him or what should I do?

Answer 1

He makes $120,000 a year and thats not enough for him? Even with the loans thats over 100,000 he is raking in.
Before you marry I think you need to really look at this guy and see where his priorities lie. He sounds very materialistic. This is a huge issue which will affect your daily life and the lives of your children. Do you love him enough to give up something that huge?
He can well afford for you to stay at home unless of course living the high life is his goal.

Answer 2

It's ridiculous that he can't afford a home, bills, food, and kids on 120,000 dollars a year. That's 10,000 a month before taxes. Most people don't make that in a two income family and they do just fine.

You really need to find out where the money is going. The two of you need to sit down a create a written budget. You'll be surprised to find out just how much money is wasted every pay. I know I was.

Maybe he has too much house. Maybe he has too much car or too many. Maybe he has too many toys. Or maybe he's just incompetent with money. There's money just being flushed away somewhere.

List essentials first in your budget: rent, utilities, food, etc. Then list debts. Make sure there's some money going into savings. Base this on his salary.

Then maybe do a second budget that would include what you might make. Include a daycare column n this one and other expenses you might incur by going back to work. You won't need it for his because you won't have these costs if you stay home.

I bet you'll find that it will actually pay for you to stay home with the kids.

You're not getting married for another nine months. Load up a savings account with whatever the two of you can. Consider it a house fund and a child fund. Hopefully, there will be a raise over the next nine months.

If the two of you can't live on 120,000 dollars a year without you working then you really need to give this relationship some thought. Money is the number one reason for stress, arguments, and divorce. You're not even married yet and it's causing stress.

Work this out before you get married. Start today. Create a written budget. Get on the same page.

Answer 3

First of all "God bless a child who has its own" Have you ever heard that saying? There is nothing wrong with daycare. There are some really great daycare center out here in the world. At a daycare they will be able to be around different cultures and other things they can learn. I can see when you have the kids of course you want to stay there until they start walking but right after that its time for day care. I dont understand why women would rather be a stay at home mom rather then to get up and get a job. Regardless of how much a man makes i will still rather have my own. Dont get me wrong it's ok to be a stay at home mom but its time for women to be a whole lot more independant then they are now. You supposed to always prepare yourself for the future anything can happen and where would you be if you lose your husband? I think you should agree with your husband because its a whole lot better when both parents are contributing to the household rather then just one parent. I did a toll some years ago and the question was: "Why do husbands cheat on their stay at home wives"? 27% said because they meet women who have a job and are independant and they like a woman like that and they only deal with there wives because they take good care of the home but rather have a women on the side who has a backbone and can stand on her own to feet. think about this before you make your decision.

Answer 4

It's great that you're discussing these issues now--before you get married and have kids. $1000 a month school loans isn't much for someone earning $120,000, even after the government takes their cut.

But some people just aren't willing to change their lifestyle once kids are in the picture. Perhaps your fiance is one of those.

As someone else suggested, make a list of the costs of daycare, transportation, and clothing that you would incur if you continued working. Suggest others ways that you (and he) might cut expenses: entertainment (you won't have time to go out as much anyway), insurance on cars (less if you don't drive to work), homemade meals (you'll have the time to make them if you're not working)--I'm sure there's more.

If you can do it, staying at home with the kids can have many benefits. I wish you success.

Answer 5

There's nothing wrong with daycare. I really don't like the way you said it since my son has been in daycare since he was 6 weeks old and is doing wonderfully. It gives them a chance to learn social skills with other kids. You don't want your child to go to kindergarten and not know how to play with other kids, do you?

You need to sit and have a financial discussion with your fiance. Lay out your salary, cost of daycare, gas, etc for you staying at work. Also lay out all the bills you're going to have including utilities and estimate up. Calculate the cost and then make a decision. This is a couple decision, not a "I want to do this and this is how it's going to be" decision. And for goodness sake, stop asking everyone else's opinion. It's the two of you, not the two of you and everyone you feel like trying to rally to your side. He's trying to be realistic and you want to be Beaver Cleaver's mom.

Do you have kids yet? If not, maybe you should put off having kids until you have a few bills paid off. Or perhaps you could work towards a better paying job.

Answer 6

This is an important issue you need to get resolved before you get married. It sounds like he makes enough money to make this happen even with his loans. Does he realize that this is in the best interest of the family. You could do some babysitting at home to come up with an income. Or take online classes and get loans. Wouldn't he rather you watch your kids then a stranger? If he doesn't change his mind, believe me once your paying for daycare, gas to work and ect. he will see you might as well save some money and stay home!!!

Answer 7

You have kids now? Get a smaller house. Be happy with less. Start saving for the future so you can have time off to be with your kids. Make a list of how much daycare costs how much your job pays how much gas would be and show him on paper that it would cost him more for you to go to work. Then stay at home. Try to find a home base job so you could work from home while the kids are young. You could do all kinds of things....But, if he is fighting you on this what else is he hiding that will come up after you are married?

Answer 8

Hey, I stay at home and DH makes much less than that in the military. It's all about living within your means.

If you really feel strongly about this then my suggestion is to track what you're spending now. Know where every cent of both of your salaries goes for a couple of months. Then seriously look at what would stop coming in (your salary) and going out (daycare, your lunches, commuting gas) if you stopped working.

Sometimes when guys see the actual numbers they see that things can work out. On the other hand sometimes when women run the numbers they decide to keep working rather than give up some of the monetary things.

Answer 9

Seriously look into the cost of daycare. I cannot fathom how you could not afford to stay home on that salary- it comes down to catting costs if it is what you really want. My husband and I decided that I should stay home with our kids, it has not always been easy. We have had to make sacfices and go with out new furniture, the nicest clothes, etc. My kids are being raised by me, they have everything they need. And for these few short years I have felt like the luckiest person alive. If he worries about it then maybe you could do home daycare?? Think of a way to bring money in while you are home. Sometimes it is hard for a man to feel emotionally attatched to kids until they have them, the prospect is not enough for them to feel protective and consider the best options. Explain how important it is to you. Marriage is a give and take...he needs to give on this one. Good luck!!

Answer 10

I don't know what you can say to change his mind, but I do know this much...you two have to absolutely be on the same page for this to work. This is not the sort of issue that will work itself out later, you need to come to some sort of agreement right now, before you exchange vows. The two of you might sit down and work out a budget. Does your fiance's friend really know more about your finances than your fiance'? I find this part confusing. If it's really less expensive for you to stay at home with the kids, why is your fiance' opposed to it? Have the two of you had a chance to sit down and work out your budget together? I recommend it. Also, must you have children right away? Is there any reason (age, health) that childbearing can't be put off for a few years? I hope that the two of you can work this out...

Take care...