my 19 yr old is driving us nuts?

Question

We have a 19 yr old daughter, she has completed 1 year of college. This spring she broke up with her boyfriend and renewed a friendship with an old girfriend. This friend lives with her boyfriend and his brother. A huge argument with her father because she was spending 24/7 with these friends and he wanted her to spend time at home and she refused and then moved in with these other friends. None of these people including her have a job.She comes when we are not home and takes things and then leaves. She has taken money, food, took the radio out of a car (she had the radio installed and had paid for it herself), and recently the licence plate from that car to put on another car to use to go to a concert. We have always had a open door policy with our kids but she has strained that policy. What should we do?

Answer 1

Have an alarm installed and when she comes in let the police show up. You can't have an open door policy with her. You need to have tough love with her. She is 19 and needs a job to pay for things she needs. If you let it go on she will think she can do it all her life. And it is not alright open door or not to take things without asking. One day she might tell the wrong person she can come and go as she pleases and you will end up coming home to nothing. You are not her door mat. If you have talked with her and she is still doing it then you need to get tougher with her. Change locks whatever it takes.......good luck

Answer 2

Are you still paying for college? Stop funding her life(college, insurance, the things you are paying for) and tell her that now that she has moved out, she is on her own.

Your daughter is a thief and obviously has no respect for your family. Does "open door" mean that any of your family can come and steal money and license plates? If so, you have no realistic complaint, but I'm betting that's not what the others do.

I know you want to save her, but right now she doesn't care about that. I'm afraid you are going to have to let her go and make her responsible for the consequences of her actions.

I would sit her down, without anger without getting emotional(tell your husband if he can't do it, then he has to sit there and be quiet). I really mean that, she is feeding off this drama right now, don't give her any more fuel.

Simply tell her that since she has moved that she has to come off your health insurance and car insurance. And while you encourage her to continue her education, you are no longer going to pay for it. Tell her that she is welcome to visit with a call ahead of time, but otherwise she is not to come onto your property. Ask for her keys and if she refuses, change your locks. I mean that.

And if it was me, I would flat out ask her how they are paying rent. I'm betting drugs are involved.

Tell her you love her and she is always welcome to visit, and if she wants to move back home, she can have her life back. Otherwise be tough and tell her that she is on her own. You aren't doing her any good by being on the defensive. This is no longer your little girl, this is a thief and a liar.

Answer 3

It sounds like the toddlers are having a tough time adjusting to the new baby in the house. You may think that you are doing all of the same things with them, but the children see the new baby as something that takes your attention away from them. Toddlers are in the development stage where everything is all about them. Children at this age are very selfish and demand that everything you do has to be done with them. The toddlers screamming is their way of getting your attention (and it's working). If you really want to make it stop you need to talk to the toddlers and try to make special time for just one at a time. (I know this may sound hard, but it is easy to do) You can start with just taking time to color with one child while the other two are napping. Or try to watch a favorite tv show while your husband takes care of the baby and the other child. This will tell them that you do care for them and that they do not have to be screamming all of the time in order to get your attention. You can make a schedule and show it to the children so they know how much time you are spending with each child. this way they see that you are not spending more time with another child.

Answer 4

As painful as it is, I think you know the answer to this one. Tough love is what it will take to get her on her feet and independent. She's stepping on the values you've taught her, and as long as you continue to condone it, you are sending a message that it's okay to steal, and to not work.

Invite her to a family dinner and have a heart to heart discussion. Set down clear expectations, and if these are not met, then there will be consequences, new locks on the door, no support for college, etc.

Prepare yourself. Be strong. You have the power to change your relationship with your daughter.

Answer 5

Change the locks on the house. She doesn't live there anymore anyway. She's over 18 and she can live where she wants, but taking your stuff isn't right. She needs to realize its time to get a job. I'm 19 and I would never do that stuff to my parents.

Answer 6

Stealing license plates is a very serious crime. In my opinion she crossed the line when she started stealing from you.
If I were you, I would change the locks on my house. Tell her that she is more than welcome to come by and visit and you'd love to see her anytime.
Not saying or doing anything is like approving of her behavior and it will only get worse.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but it's best to nip it as soon as possible.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Change the locks. Sounds like she needs a reality check.

Answer 8

The only way for her to learn is for you to change the locks, what you have been doing isn't working so you have to do something else. She is of age now it is time for her to start acting like it.

Answer 9

change your locks.