What do you guys think about this poem? It's about friends with Benefits?

Question

The mattress squeaks with a familiar rhythm.
My sweaty palms are flat against the wall.
This is our third position and yet it all feels the same, empty.
Numbing sex is what I call it in my head.
Because every time we intertwine, I don't feel anything.
While your hitting it from behind, my mind wanders.
I count down how many times it slips out,
I think about how long I'll hang around after we are finished.
And I wonder if you'll even have the decency,
To pretend you care after we are done.
Last time after our heated exchange I left with a peace sign.
No kiss goodbye, no hugs, but what else would I expect?
That how we always start it, small talk and awkwardness.
We know we'll end up in bed again,
But its masked by that damn DVD you put on every time.
Sometimes the movie is more interesting then the sex.
I hate you for ever asking me to do this.
But I hate myself even more for agreeing with it.
I hate that I like the numbing feeling I get afterwards.
I hate that I only do this because I love him,
and I can't have him, so I turned to you.
I hate that you tell me I'm classy but I still partake,
In no emotion, just plain, sex. how am I classy again?
friends with benefits? how about unpaid whore?
But no matter how much I hate it,
I know that next time you call I'll come over.
And will talk, you'll put on the dvd, ask where's your hug,
and I'll be right back where I started,
sweaty palms against the wall,
and the mattress squeaking in that familiar rhythm.

i think its more because there's no passion or love, its just sex.

Answer 1

This one took me by surprise...for one thing, it was brutally honest, secondly, it was graphic in a raw, uncensored way that I found refreshing because it wasn't "porn", and thirdly because although it came close to being prose, it held onto the poetic side of the fence.

Could it have had more "imagery"? sure, but did it "matter that it didn't"...no, it didn't matter...no amount of additional imagery would have brought it into any clearer focus...so it didn't matter..what you wrote was enough.

I would, however, correct the "it's" vs "its" errors (they drive me nuts!). I'd also probably correct the "will" to "we'll" in the fourth line from the end...and "that how we always start it" should be "that's how we always..."

Otherwise, a very mature, raw and incisive write! Good job! ...now I have to go take a cold shower :)

Answer 2

I would like to see some literary devices, imagery, subtlety, anything along those lines that would convince me that this is a poem.

While you are conveying (complaining about) the lack of a three dimensional experience and how flat, mechanical, unsatisfying and demeaning this scenario is for you, it doesn't read like a poem, it reads like a monologue that will likely never reach its target aside from your own self-flagellation.

There's really no new insight brought to this topic, except your own admittance that you'll repeat this activity, but that doesn't give the reader any new insight. It reminds me of the well worn 12-step cliche, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.

If you were interested in reworking this, I'd suggest expanding it by writing it as prose. This would give you the liberty to experiment with literary devices without the constraint of form. The beauty of that exercise is that coming up with similes and metaphors (etc.) is a drill down into a deeper you which often leads to the kind of insight this piece needs. You are clearly capable of more.

Answer 3

I agree with Margot's comments on wanting imagery and some more layers here. In it's present form this could be a very interesting monologue but it needs something more to be a good poem. As it stands it is more of a lteral prose observation of an event. Here's something to read that deals with your theme but uses more imagery (for an example):

Sex Without Love

How do they do it, the ones who make love
without love? Beautiful as dancers,
gliding over each other like ice-skaters
over the ice, fingers hooked
inside each other's bodies, faces
red as steak, wine, wet as the
children at birth whose mothers are going to
give them away. How do they come to the
come to the come to the God come to the
still waters, and not love
the one who came there with them, light
rising slowly as steam off their joined
skin? These are the true religious,
the purists, the pros, the ones who will not
accept a false Messiah, love the
priest instead of the God. They do not
mistake the lover for their own pleasure,
they are like great runners: they know they are alone
with the road surface, the cold, the wind,
the fit of their shoes, their over-all cardio-
vascular health--just factors, like the partner
in the bed, and not the truth, which is the
single body alone in the universe
against its own best time.

by Sharon Olds

I hope that helps. I like your writing, but it's going to take some work to make your work into a strong poem.

Answer 4

Whoa! Heavier than i thought it was going to be, glad you mentioned the love bit ,you could feel it coming. You need to add some descriptive stuff, the emotion is definatly there, similies and metaphors that really give the reader a sense of being in your shoes or stuck there between you. Great work though keep it up the more you write the better you get.

Answer 5

This certainly relies upon on the style you sense approximately him. I as quickly as began a relationship with somebody who I knew became into reliable, and this way of robust coronary heart. i ended up hurting him because of fact I grew under pressure, and that i left him, which harm him. you frequently ask your self... And the inability of pastime, not adoring the way he smells, the way he seems, the way he's, not taking section in each and every little element approximately him will make you unhappy in the top. there is somebody for you available which you will sense a number of those issues for, according to probability even the only you point out, yet while it is not him, BE easy. tell him. tell him you cost him in view which you think of he's a great guy or woman, you have faith him etc... even tell him you're able to desire to sense that way for him and additionally you have given it a great style of thought. yet do not supply him any reason to wish for that form of relationship in case you do not sense that way. yet chiefly be easy, quicker somewhat than later. additionally, regrettably, be arranged to lose a buddy, because of fact a great style of fellows won't stay pals as quickly as the female they want says they don't sense an analogous. wish it truly works out...

Answer 6

Wow. What a great bit of writing. Sure, there are some suggestions the others had but sometimes if it is "too edited" then it'll take away from the rawness and emotion of it all. You let the reader know exactly what is going on. Keep up the good work.
Do you mind if I copy and post this on my 360 site?

Answer 7

First find someone with a bit longer instrument. You count how many times it slips out. More than once and he's too small. Don't have sex just to have sex it is empty and unsatisfying. Friends with benefits eventually turn into to people you once knew. Give it up.

Answer 8

I think this is very good expression. I feel the numbness and the addiction that calls you to return. The hopelessness of merely the physical connection but the dearth of feeling. Great job.

Answer 9

A very good effort. And i wonder how'z sex so boring.is it because he does not foreplay? or he does not have words with you?

True, Friends with benefits.

Answer 10

its pretty awsum. i think its kewl how it ends how it started.