Frustrations with couples' counseling?

Question

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So I finally was able to get my boyfriend to make us a couples' counseling appt which is free thru his work. We've been to 5 weekly sessions and I feel that we are getting nowhere! Instead of working on concrete problems (he's irresponsible and it stresses me out) we spend half the session doing silly worksheets like "the 10 myths of love" and talking about how bad our childhoods were. Worse, I feel like whenever I do bring up an actual problem, the counselor turns it around and explains that my bf acts this way because he's still acting out rebellion towards his alcoholic father. I think she's enabling my bf to act like a child instead of taking responsibility for his actions in the present! Is it a case of "you get what you pay for" or is this how counseling really works? What should I say? Our last "freebie" appt is Fri.

No, I am far from perfect. In fact, I think each of us has some issues that would benefit from some individual counseling. However, we don't even talk about either one of our problems!!! The counselor (she's not a psychologist) spends a good 10 minutes each session searching thru her file cabinet for little questionaires and worksheets to give us. She also starts the sessions at least 20 minutes late every time. I mean, I know we're not paying for this but if I wanted to sit in her office and take quizzes, I would buy a Cosmo at the supermarket. My bf doesn't really seem to agree - he thinks we need to give it more time and he doesn't want to rock the boat. I also think he's secretly relieved that she's letting him get off so easy.

Answer 1

Sounds like you have a real winner of a psychologist there. (That was supposed to be sarcastic.) :) Hopefully your boyfriend's insurance company offers psychological services with more than just one provider. Find another provider and see how that works for you. If you're not both happy with him/her, then find another one. Sometimes that's how it works. If you didn't like your doctor or your dentist, you would find another one, right? It works the same way with mental health providers.

Make sure you're looking for another psychologist for the right reasons though. From what you've described, this woman is a quack and is 'siding' with your boyfriend for whatever reason. But since I don't have the whole story, I don't know for sure. If it's just hard for you to hear what she's saying because you don't happen to agree with her, that's not the right reason to seek someone else's services.

Answer 2

I'm not in the counseling sessions but I have a good idea of what's going on.

The reason why the counselor is having you do worksheets and the myths of love worksheets is to find out about you. This is merely to see if the two of you are really compatible and if the relationship will have a future.

I agree with your bf, give it a little time. The problems that you are having with your bf, didn't explode overnight and getting to the root of the problems in your relationship will not be fixed overnight either. Give it your all and have a positive attitude towards the sessions. If nothing else, get a little bit of satisfaction in addressing questions towards the counselor geared at improving your bf's actions and yours.

Answer 3

Like you stated at least youre not paying for this but it is a waste of time. She sounds like a counselor wannabe and has no real business pretending to be one. A questionairre at the beginning is all there should ever be, and she doesnt have the training on how to get right to the problem and quit wasting peoples time. True counseling doesnt work for everyone but to get hooked up with a bad one can make the ordeal worse than not going.Maybe shes just starting out and maybe one day but she needs to start on a smaller scale like pet pyschology. Most counselors will let their clients work out their own problems for the most part but every couple needs guide lines and she has neither. You need to find a more experienced one if your relationship is to survive here Also both partners need to enter with an open mind and heart and want the same results for counseling to work. It also sounds like it maybe time to move on from you current boyfriend as youre not saying too much good about him. Good luck

Answer 4

Sometimes, letting go seems like the easiest thing to do. But think about this: you've invested so much of your time and energy into another person; you've made a solemn promise; and you still know there's love, even if it's hiding underneath the surface. This website will show you how to save a marriage and avoid divorce, even if you're the only one trying https://tr.im/Dl94N

Answer 5

Both. Finding a counselor that works with you is like finding any other professional, doctor, lawyer and so on. Its not a matter of shopping for one to tell you what you want but it is important to find one that is flexible and or skilled enough to work with you. In this case it is very feasible that this counseling is therefor get what you pay for. Further couples counseling is not a psychologist necessarily and it this person may not be trained in dealing with your husbands individual issues which might need to be resolved before you are able to tackle the issues in your relationship.

Answer 6

Are u going to get help for the situation or, getting someone to mentally spank ur boyfriend.Ur resentment to doing the efforts to find sucess , so awful in the situation that you can't lower your self to help.This counslor sounds like he's trying to help.Haveing an acoholic parent is devastating to a child an can retard their emotional growth.If u havent been there give him a break.If u really don't want him fixed then get off his back ,and go do ur thing. If your not part of the sucess your part of the problem. He's not the only person in the relationship, look at your self in a magnofying glass.

Answer 7

Quite frankly, if you are in couple's counseling with your BOYFRIEND then it's time to call it quits. I could understand if you were married to him and these issues just came up, but you can leave him whenever you want. If you can't even get along with him now without counseling, I don't see a lot of hope for the future. I think you should dump him. Life is too short to be stressed out by some irresponsible jerk.

Answer 8

I do not know how your BF treats you however I do have to agree with a few of the other people on this panel, HE IS YOUR BOYFRIEND AND YOU ARE IN COUPLES COUNSELING!!!!??????????, This is why you don't marry the first person you are with, you weed through the good and bad relationships to find the one that is perfect for both of you. It is time to move on because it will never get any better!!!!

Answer 9

Some of your frustrations about the lack of professionalism this counsellor is showing are legitimate.

Outside of that, I think your expectations of the counselling are unrealistic. Couples counselling is all about helping a couple to accept each other for who they are and find ways to live with each other. It is NOT about trying to "fix" the individuals so that they meet the expectations of their partners, it's about changing the expectations so that they fit the individuals. Your counsellor is trying to help you understand your boyfriend, and to accept that most of the things that bug you about him are probably not going to change just because you demand it. If you can't accept that, then you two have no future as a couple.

Answer 10

Ok...I have had counseling before and have talked to a counselor about their tactics. They want both parties to admitt their problems and faults even if the other party is at fault. It sounds like your bf is at fault, but it also sounds like you want to be right no matter what. The truth is, in a marriage no one is ever right...or wrong. But one party is more guilty than the other. You must be able to forgive. You are not married yet. Don't marry this man until you are sure he is the one.