i juz finished writing these, and i havent wrote an entry for months.. juz wanna know if this is okay.. hope ud share ur opininions.. i would really appreciate it..
A Flock of Murderers
they flew past me
performing a v-shaped death
across the crimson sky
they left me behind
with a guilt-colored paint
splashed upon my face
my fear stricken eyes
matched perfectly
with my ghastly image...
i tried to wash away
the physical damages that it dealt me
i tried to block my view
still..
images flashed
and polluted my mind
i whispered to myself
as the murderers landed upon my shoulders...
i might have got rid
of what they could see
but fear, guilt, and insanity
clung and seeped
within my very soul..
took all over me.....
2007-07-25 18:58:31 · 10 answers · asked by psychedelic fur 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
is the entry just fine to be written by a 17yr old??
2007-07-25 18:59:06 · update #1
wish you could find out who/what the murderers are..:D
2007-07-25 19:06:44 · update #2
Ah, blessed confusion. It leads us to clarity, doesn't it? But not always at our pace.
What you've done is painted a very nice skeleton for a poem. It's weak in the sense that there is not a lot of flesh on the bones. But what you've done is "capture" a moment in time that you can go back to...and fill in. I do it all the time.
So, for me, instead of critiquing this "into the ground" those are the thoughts I'd like to offer. You've sketched something. Now it's time to fill it out. Give it texture, clarity.
I do have some specific comments but I'm really reluctant to offer them because I think this is still forming in you...I don't want my read or thoughts to be a distraction.
I'll give you one thought that I do not think will interfere with your creative process.
"they left me behind
with a guilt-colored paint"
I loved that attempt but why does this match perfectly with your ghastly image?
In addition, you need to get rid of some cliches. Your concept for the poem is NOT a cliche, so get rid of the words that make it read that way.
Get rid of: "fear stricken", "ghastly image", just for starters.
Keep working this one.
2007-08-01 10:54:25 · answer #1 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad at all for a 17 year old. A couple of small things are I would not pluralize damages and I wouldn't split "still" from the next line. And "took all over me" is kind of awkward. I'd make it "took me over".
However, I am a little confused. The title immediately brought to mind a murder of crows, which I think was the image you were going for, but I don't understand why their flight left you with guilt. Even if I assume the flock is representative of a group of people instead of birds, I still don't see how their passage created guilt in you. Fear I can see, but guilt?
But except for the small changes I suggested, the poem flows very well and is quite mature for someone so young.
2007-07-25 19:12:11 · answer #2 · answered by mommanuke 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay, well, the picture that came to my mind was that of a poem written by a scarecrow watching as a "murder" of crows came down (yet, crows don't fly in formation, so I'm not sure about the reference to "v shaped death"). "guilt colored paint" would be "flushed red"...at least traditionally, and the "murderers" would have landed on the shoulders. However, the scarecrow image could be just a metaphor for how you perceive yourself, and the "crows", the "murderers" could be just about anything you are trying to avoid that you feel takes away a part of your soul. It could be your conscience, all the little addictions we collect, or any number of things...the poem is not specific enough to fill in all the blanks. The physical damage would be equivalent to the crows pulling the stuffing out of you, and the "murderers" could be the winged monkies from the Wizard Of Oz for all we know.
I think the poem has potential, but it also has hard spots, weak lines and an uneven feel to it. That doesn't mean it's bad, it simply means it needs work.
Be careful to avoid malapropisms...make sure each word means "exactly" what you mean to say. Don't force a word to be something it's not just to satisfy a need to rhyme. It would be interesting to see this in its final rewrite. I think it could actually be quite good.
keep writing!
2007-08-01 12:33:13 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's interesting. I'm not fully clear on what's happening. The crows seem to be symbollic of the murderous intent within the narrator. I think your title is excellent and the poem has promise.
2007-07-26 01:17:12 · answer #4 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this is well written
the title is appropriate
since its about murderers and and a flock of them
when I think of flocks, I think of the birds
it also talks about crime, because of the words insanity,
guilt, fear, but these can be used in any circumstance.
2007-07-26 02:33:25 · answer #5 · answered by sweet_blue 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It makes me think of a girl thrown into a cold cell naked-i see her in darkness laying on a cold floor...yeah i like...i got image
2007-07-25 19:03:59 · answer #6 · answered by butterflyfrills 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
that entry is better than fine no matter what your age . i felt what you were saying but ive been there , with the flock , before if im not there now .
2007-07-31 09:55:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have a nice style , i really like your stuff , very real ,from your soul, good , good ,good
2007-07-29 07:38:23 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
nice. in your poem do you feel guilty because of what you have witnessed?
2007-07-26 07:25:41 · answer #9 · answered by rain4him *Stranger In Most Towns 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hmm.. Very good
2007-07-27 09:17:34 · answer #10 · answered by NiCocoBiotch 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋