This probably isn't normal but is anyone else in the same situation?

Question

My husband and I are more like companions / flat mates than husband / wife. The reason I say this is because we only have sex about once every 3 months (I really have no sex drive, I enjoy it when it's happening but just can't be bothered most of the time). We get on really well, have a lot of laughs, love our kids to bits etc .We just are not affectionate to each other. We only sometimes hold hands or kiss etc. I know he would love more affection but he's not one of those men who demand anything from me either as some men do. All of our close friends are divorced and with new partners so it's all very lovey dovey for them at the moment. Anyone else in this type of situation.

Answer 1

Absolutley!!! This is normal.... I really believe that TV has told us that we -as moms, maids, taxi drivers, chefs, counselors, referees, need I go on - should also be having sex with our hubbys several times a week. C'mon, lets get real. My hubby and I have been together for 15 wonderful years. We have had our ups and downs... and our dry spells. We have two kids... AND...we only have sex maybe... did I say maybe?... yes maybe once a month. I think these days sex is this big thing that if you aren't 'active' then you must have marital problems.
No... actually I think that it is a sign of an even stronger marriage. You have sex when you can and you love each other very much... but it doesn't define your marriage like so many other people.
I also have no sex drive... and IMHO... my hubby is H O T -Hot! I think he gets sexier with every passing day. The sex is amazing. Does he have a complex sometimes because I am not as sexually interested as he? Of coarse. But we have so much more than sex... we have our lives together. We go through spurts where we are very affectionate toward each other.. and those times are great. But when you have kids and jobs and all this other stuff.. wow.. by the time I get in bed I am so exhausted that sex is the last thing on my mind.
The really funny thing is that I know A LOT of people in this same boat... most don't admit it and lie about how 'active' they are. I am sorry but when sex is your priority in a marriage.. you will have problems, why? Because sex is not all there is to life.
Be proud that you have so much more to your marriage besides sex... enjoy it when you can - you can try sparking it, but that usually doesn't have staying power (although really fun, lol). Life is life... having this wonderful sex life shouldn't define your marriage. And don't worry... I have been told by many many people that once the kids are grown you can 'spark' much easier and with much more consistency.
I have to wonder if your friends are divorced because possibly their priorities were not straight and therefore they left their hubbys and found new love... that too will grow cold once they have to participate in life... and those people will generally move right along to someone new again.
I have to say that we also have many friends that have gone through divorce and they were all very sexual people... funny... here are my hubby and I 15 yrs and still the love of eachothers lives.
I guess in short I am just saying... don't fret, this too shall pass and in time you will be having much love with hubby.
Don't worry you are normal!!! I hope this helped!!!

Answer 2

Yowsers, sounds like you don't take very good care of your man. I'd do something quick before things get worse.

Is it normal? Unfortunately yes. Seems like more and more people take their partners for granted. Is it healthy? No, and I would submit that situations like yours are a big part of the reason divorce is so prevalent.

You say you enjoy sex when it happens but have no sex drive to initiate. At the same time you know perfectly well your husband 'would like more affection'. Very likely he's starving for some affection and hasn't had any sign that you love him in a long time.

'Lovey dovey' isn't something to scorn, but a positive and healthy way to show affection.

I'm sorry but I've got to say it, you sound like you would be difficult to be married to. He sounds like a great guy who is enduring in silence a bad relationship. I'm glad you guys get along really well and have a lot of laughs. That's something at least. But I can't understand why you would want to withold affection and treat your man like a lover instead of a roomate. Especially since it sounds like you've pretty much cut off sex (even though you enjoy it - how weird is that?) simply because you are lazy about initiating. To quote old Nike commercials, you need to 'just do it'. Seriously. It's no skin off your nose - in fact you admit it's a lot of fun once you get going - but believe me this is an important way you can show your husband you still love him. The better question is why wouldn't you do it?

Treat your man better or you both will have some serious troubles down the road. Good luck.

P.S. Love Cinnamon's statement above: Men need 3 things: approval, appreciation, and affection. Wise words, and those who heed them will get all they ever wanted.

Answer 3

My husband and I are not affectionate at all. Sometimes we'll go a week or longer w/o sex. The important thing is that we are best friends and get along great. If you're both happy the way you are, I don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe you should have a date night a couple of times a month. I think it might be more common than what we think. We don't have friends that we get together with either though.

Answer 4

I think that you might have a little Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder. Not to scare you alot of people have it but no it isn't normal to talk to inanimate objects or feel like there is another "presence" in you. I would highly recommend talking to a professional psychiatrist (one that you can be comfortable talking with) I don't think you have a big problem but it sounds like there is a bit of a problem especially if it's bothering you this much it could get worse and turn into something far worse. If you can avoid taking medication for it that would be better, people change alot when docs start throwing out prescriptions.... Try just getting a little Therapy so that someone else can talk to you and explain things to you or find an alternate way for you to handle your quirks without getting overwhelmed by it. If you don't have insurance and you really just need someone to talk to you can e-mail me anytime :) I am not a doctor i just have friends with OCD, Multiple Personality disorders, Bipolar and Depression. E-mail me anytime k :)

Answer 5

It happens, same here. except we do fight sometimes but it's getting better. A little. You didn't say how long you have been married. Almost 15 yrs here. For me it would be nice if he would take more time with me like he use to. Now it's You ready? Lets go to the bedroom then bam boom it's over. Wow that really got me in the mood. He's done and I'm am finally starting to relax from dealing with the kids, him, bills pets and other household stuff.

Answer 6

My parents went through a similar scenerio after 27 yrs of marriage, I was 26, they were young, had 6 kids and life was forever indebted to a life they didn't ask for, or one that came on too fast. I think life is too short to be unhappy in a relationship, people change, it's life. Everyone deserves a passion with someone...but ask yourself would it be worth it to give up what you have now for something you're not sure you'll get once it's all over...

Answer 7

I was just like you before my husband had an affair. I wish I hadn't been this way. If I had known he might find intimacy elsewhere, I would have changed. I'm not justifying an affair, I'm just saying I wish I'd done things different. We are separated. We don't hate each other...never did. It's just not a marriage anymore and now it's destroyed.

Answer 8

Well as much as I hate to tell u this, my husband and I were going through the same thing...sex very seldom but when it happens it's good but then life goes back to the same ole same old. We were more like roommates as well and then finally what I found out was he was staying with me for the kids and was having an affair. I don't know if that is your situation but it is very hurtful and I guess with us we both knew that our marriage was truly over. We love our kids, I care about him alot but the love and spark are gone-with him as well. I don't know why we stayed together for 15 years but we did. Life is too short, move on-something is going on

Answer 9

It is good that the two of you don't fight..but not seldomley speaking to each other and not showing affection sounds like you are just in it for the kids. I am in the same type of situation. I try not to think much of it. My kids are happy and that makes me happy. If I knew I would be happy on my own I would leave.

Answer 10

Sounds like you require more daily, loving contact. Most times it depends on the mood your in, if your not getting that loving feeling, who can blame you for not being in the mood. Look inside yourself and find something you require to be in the mood. It's up to you to find it, most men are not that thoughtful or see the need for a hug, a kiss on the cheek or helping you with daily chores. If you stress the importance of what you seek, most men are more than willing to oblige (it is in their best interest after all).
A gentle reminder is all it takes.