Why am having a hard time dealing with my ex-husband remarrying?

Question

We were married for 11 years. We have three kids together. I LEFT HIM. I left him because he was extremely verbally and metally abusive. I left SIX years ago. He's getting remarried in October and it really bothers me. I don't know if it's because of my kids being around this woman who I can't stand or if it's because it breaks my heart that it didn't work. My parents have been married for 42 years. Dammit, that's what I wanted. We will not sit together when our children marry. We will not wait for the births of our grandchildren together. I'm just so sad even after all this time that we didn't make it. I still care for him, but I know I made the right choice in leaving. What the hell is wrong with me???

What kills me is that it's like he's "learned his lesson". He's SO good to her. He is so damn good to her. He pays attention to her needs and is sensitive to her feelings. He didn't do that for me or our children. He isn't even on speaking terms with out oldest child. She is leaving for college soon and all he cares about is his stupid wedding!

Jellies??? I don't have any Smucker's in my fridge. OH! You mean JEALOUS! Sorry. My bad. Nope. Not about jealousy. Thanks a lot, though for that well thought out response.

Answer 1

He's an ex for a good reason. Maybe your having a hard time dealing with it, because you don't want to see him happy, we want them to pine for us, see their mistakes and change their ways.
Six years is along time to move on. Maybe he has changed. Learned his lesson (so to speak). But maybe after the wedding bliss has worn off, you'll hear that he hasn't.
It's hard for someone who has been verbally and mentally abusive to change.
As for the "Happily Ever After" well life goes on and we make new memories with our kids, new friends and experiences.
So don't stop living your life.

Answer 2

You really answered your own question. You were in love with the idea of having the type of marriage u wished u could have had. Celebrating all the milestones in life together, such as your own children's marriages, becoming grandparents, and growing old together. It hurts that u couldn't have that. Part of u probably feels that u failed, but I was married to a man just like u described and believe me u did make the right choice. It's normal to feel the way u do, but u really need to let it go and truly move on with your life. It's not over, u can still have all those wonderful things with someone who truly loves u. I have met a man who is more than I ever could have dreamed of and we are getting married next spring. Don't concentrate on him and his marriage, concentrate on u and your happiness, and don't let anyone stand in your way of finding it. I wish u all the luck and happiness life can bring.

Answer 3

I take it that you did not remarry, and if that's the case, then maybe your feelings are more out of jealousy than remorse.

If he was so abusive, then it's something you no longer have to endure in your life. And when you find the right person that won't treat you like crap or talk down to you, then you'll know you made the right choice.

But believe me, you already know you did what was best for you and for the kids.

Answer 4

Nothing is wrong with you, so get that out of your head. I was married 15 years, already divorced and living with my BF when my ex remarried, and now they have a child together. It did set me off kilter when he remarried, him having a child with her felt really strange (he and I had one together). The way you are feeling is human. I think you did the right thing, he was wrong for you and you did what you had to do. You will get past this and all will be well for you. Just give it time.

Answer 5

You were in an abusive relationship. There's nothing normal about that. Your feelings about this are not healthy, maybe because you haven't fully dealt with the abuse. The effects of abuse don't just go away on their own. I would suggest that you see a therapist so you can learn to move on and live healthily and happily.

Answer 6

i suppose it's not abnormal to feel sad about your ex remarrying, especially when your dreams busted apart... you said you'd have liked it if your marriage could have worked.

but, i do see that you did the best thing for yourself by leaving.. especially if he had anger issues and was abusive.

i can say that is what i wanted, too, but it didnt work out. same sort of scenario in my marriage also.

anyway, please don't let the new wife get your goat... she apparently cares about your ex, and hopefully will do the same with your kids eventually. no use letting her bother you... just live your life, and let them live theirs.

what is wrong with you? I think you're human! sending hugs!!

take care of YOU, ok?

Answer 7

I know that this must be very painful for you to see him happy with someone else. But you chose to leave him and rightfully so because your children would want you to be happy and you deserve it. You have a bond with him that will last a lifetime and that is your children. And just because they are getting married does not mean that it will work.

Answer 8

Are you sad because he's found someone?

Please remember that's it rare that marriages last as long as your parents. Divorce is sad but you did what you had to do for you and your children. I'm proud of you for that!

And as far as the other woman you can't stand....it won't be long until he's beating her brains out.

Answer 9

You're mourning the loss of what could have been. With him getting remarried, it kinda closes the door for a reconciliation, even if logically - you knew - you didn't want him back.

Talking it over (short - term) with a counselor will help. Trust me. Been there, done that.

Answer 10

Just because you don't regret doing something doesn't mean you can't be sad about it. The two of you once had hopes and dreams and those are gone. Him getting married just drags it all up again. Hang in there, it got better once it will again.