I'm shocked by what happened at a Bachelor party my husband went to, am I over reacting?

Question

My husband went to a bachelor party a year ago. At the time I didnt have a problem with it. I was aware that there were going to be strippers there, but I thought 'Oh well its just a bit of harmless fun'. However I now have discovered the true extent of what happened that night with the strippers. It wasnt just a simple act of taking their clothes off, they used toys and acted out various sex acts etc. I am horrified by what took place, and feel disgusted. My husband seems to think Im over reacting to this, but I truely feel sickened by their acts, and betrayed by my husband for watching this and never telling me what went on. Is this kind of thing the norm at these events, and am I being unreasonable?

-Apparantly anything goes in Queensland Australia. And I found out because my neighbours have broken up over something similar, and he confessed that he had seen the same thing a year ago at the party he went to

Answer 1

You are most certainly not over-reacting. Just because it's typical batchelor party fare doesn't make it right. He's a married man, and his eyes should be yours alone when it comes to that kind of activity. Don't let anyone minimize it.

It may be the norm, but it became the norm because people just came to accept it. Stand your ground. This comes from a man. Sometimes it shames me to be associated with such behavior simply by virtue of gender. Men justify themselves by saying it's natural as if they had no more self control than an animal.

To the thumbs down crowd... Yeah, yeah. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

Answer 2

I understand your horror. What happens at some Bachelor's Parties( these day's), are totally unnecessary and beyond comprehension (and I've heard a lot of raunchy stories).
What you have to remember is that (unfortunately), it was long ago and BEFORE you were married. At this point, I'd express your displeasure of the whole situation and let it be known that you would hope he will not be part of any of these kinds of parties in the future.
I would hope that you have discussed the future bachelor parties and any strip clubs he may be attending (lap dancing, hooter shooters, etc.). Let it be known how it hurts you and how you really dislike these events and places. Don't forbid it (he'll just stop telling you), but let it be known how it makes you feel about him going. Be honest, upfront and tolerant. You can't forbid him to go but if you make him see how it affects you, then he'll be more understanding.

Answer 3

I hear the same reaction from many wives. It is part of the modern wedding tradition. (OK, not everyone, but many do)

The real issue is your relationship with him. Particularly the sexual relationship. Unless he participated and had sex, he was only entertained. I'd give it up. It's not what you are imagining.

If you can't let it go, I suggest you give him a strip show at home! Get out your black lingerie and CFM pumps. Make him put $20's in YOUR garter belt! Then give him a real lap dance!

OR: Have him take you out to strip club. Either way, you two need to have a big sexy night! The do it again in the morning.

Answer 4

I have been to a couple of these parties a few years ago and I agree they go too far. I didn't feel comfortable at the time but didn't have the courage to leave. I thought the second party would be different. It wasn't.

Last year I talked my then to be son in law out of the Bachelor party so he would not have that hanging over his head.

You are not over reacting.

Answer 5

For what it is worth being at a Bachelor party is no fun. I mean what do you expect the poor guy to say "Hey fellahs I love my wife and this kind of thing will make her hurt so I need to go home and tell her"... Nope, it was ill thought and worse pretty crude yet bachelor parties generally are geared for SINGLE guys. I have a lovely wife and went to my youngest brothers Bachelor party a year ago... pretty tame by contrast we sat around and played cards and drank beer. No big deal. But we also respect and love his new wife and would not allow him to start off that marriage with a foot in the gutter. I guess you need to start with communication leet him know how and why you feel like you do and ASK him to please not repeat that kind of behavior because it has affected you so. Personally, I would not trade my Mrs. for all the strippers in Vegas and most of 'em don't look so great stuffing god only knows what inside you know where. Forgive him grow and love. Before you know it this is behind you and life is right again. Good Luck

Answer 6

I don' t blame you for being upset. I would be too. Depending on the type of girls they hire and services they contract for, depends on what type of bachlor party it turns into.

Sounds like these girls were whores. I wouldn't be surprised if they went away for the evening with some of the guys at the party. My brother attended a bachelor party very similar to what you described. I was disgusted when I heard about it.

I think your husband should have told you what went on when he first came home from the party. It is possible he knew you would be upset and that's why he didn't tell you.

My recommendation is to ask him not to attend any more bachelor parties. He knows your feelings, so I would drop the subject.

Answer 7

Your still holding grudges from a year ago? For real? And you think you're in the right?

Seriously, how can any sane person say 'I've been betrayed' when you knew there were going to be strippers and sent him off anyway? How can you think it's reasonable to beat up your man with this nonsense for a year?

If you didn't want him to go to the bachelor party then you should have said so at the time. To give him the green light and then punish him after the fact is totally crazy and borderline evil. Then to carry on as if he were somehow a betrayer and you were the 'hurt victim' for A YEAR makes me sick to my stomach. What kind of person are you? Your man must be really in love with you to put up with this bs for so long. I would have left you by now.

And NO, I don't think it's a good normal healthy thing for strippers to perform at a bachelor party, especially not when they are performing masturbation and sex acts with each other, but that's beside the point. Your husband didn't betray you, but you have surely betrayed him by treating him this way. I've seen some low blows before, but to represent that "I didn't have a problem with it" before the event and then to turn it around and make an issue out of it afterwards and still be punishing him for it a YEAR LATER takes the cake.

Answer 8

Some of the answers that have been posted are disgusting. You are certainly NOT overreacting!! I would be very disappointed. You can't do anything about it now... but, I would DEFINITELY let him know that was inappropriate and that it shouldn't happen again. It is DISGUSTING!! I do not understand why this is the "norm" at bachelor parties. A bachelor party is for someone that is about to get married. So, it gives them the right to look at other naked women ONE MORE TIME... give me a BREAK!! I would understand if it were for men that were completely unattached. It's RIDICULOUS. By the way I am not some prude.... I myself have hung out at strip clubs in the past with friends so I am not judging the people that enjoy strippers but I think there is something SERIOULSY wrong with men that go when they are married and about to get married. I can guarantee that if the "norm" at bachelorette parties were strippers and touching and all that goes on the men would have a SERIOUS issue with it!!

Answer 9

Sweet Pea it's the worlds norm for this to happen but it's not right. I honestly think it is and excuse just to see eplicit things happen before marriage. The best thing you can do now is forgive him and move on. You will never be satisfied until you forgive him. I think there is alittle more to this story than what is told. I think your husband shouldn't have participated in these acts but what is done is done. Forgiveness is hard but it will set you free from this baggage. Good luck!

Answer 10

I don't think you are over-reacting, but I would work it out with your husband unless he touched the strippers (who are also usually hookers). Earlier in our marriage, my husband went to a few of these and our agreement was that it's OK to go to a strip-club but it's not OK if it's "in room" entertainment or at someone's house or if he is otherwise in a position for me to doubt what might have happened. If I had any doubts, then that would be the end. Fortunately, most of his friends are now married and those days seem to be in the past.

Answer 11

Typical bachelor party behaviour, obviously they vary but this is not unusual. Often men behave differently in groups and even if they feel funny about something will stay just to be "one of the boys" its hard to know how your partner felt about it, and why he stayed and watched it but try giving him the benefit of the doubt and putting it down to the stupidity of the boys club. In a way it was like him watching porn, only it was live. If that doesnt give you comfort and you dont approve of porn either, maybe you need to address why these things make you feel insecure. Ask your partner to share things with you from now on. And try to bond together in and out of the bedroom, that way you will be able to move on from what happened. At the end of the day, as long as he didnt physically touch the girls, and you want to fix things with him, you can probably work through this. Best wishes.