Worse Than Teenage Poetry?

Question

Comments and criteque would be much appreciated.

Guarded

I'll protect you from the darkness
but you must sheild me from the light
Never let you be in starkness
I'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

the finest light seperates us
the light is either black or white
i will not let you in distress
I'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

You hear me for my love whispers
my voice the only thing in sight
the air on my side is crisper
i'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

i won't let you hurt, let you fall
keep you safe with my Candle Of Night
Your my candle in the night, doll
i'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

you have yet to know i exist
Against the line light i will fight
as one of us is lost in mist
i'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

You're leaving, why are you leaving?
Did i do wrong? i'll make it right
Come back... You keep me from greiving
I'll guard my blood, I'll guard your soul

i will put the rest up soon

As you left i would not let you
So i jumped and risked all tonight
Jumped through the darkness and straight through
i'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

out of darkness, it burned like hell
looked at you gasped at my sight
i looked at your sweet face, my bell...
i'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

this body cant last in this place
Dear now that i have learned your bite
I no longer seek your embrace
I'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

I cant go back for its too late
i have no more fight... not all right
No idea what will await
I'll guard my blood, I'll guard your soul

No way to tell if Dusk or dawn
No looking back , she left to white
My eyes fade, body gone,... i'm gone
I'll guard my blood, I'll guard your soul

thats all of it.

this poem type is a Kyrielle
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/kyrielle.html

Answer 1

Well, first of all, it isn't "really" a Kyrielle. Why? Because it doesn't adhere to the rules, which say it must be either rhymed couplets or rhymed quatrains...your stanzas are abac, and although all the last lines are the same, which is in keeping with the liturgical voice of a Kyrielle, they don't rhyme with the second line of each stanza (or, had you gone with couplets, the third line).

Next, your lines are not iambic tetrameter, which although not required, is in keeping with a traditional Kyrielle. Here's an example in Thomas Campion's "A Lenten Hymn"

With broken heart and contrite sigh,
A trembling sinner, Lord, I cry:
Thy pard’ning grace is rich and free:
O God, be merciful to me.

I smite upon my troubled breast,
With deep and conscious guilt oppress,
Christ and His cross my only plea:
O God, be merciful to me.

Compare that with:

I'll protect you from the darkness
but you must sheild me from the light
Never let you be in starkness
I'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

...see the difference? You don't begin with the iamb, there are mixed beats and your last line doesn't rhyme with any of the others. You could have said,

I will protect you from the night
but you must sheild me from the light
If you refuse dark's evil goal
I'll guard my blood, i'll guard your soul

...but you didn't...I did...so, now that you know the "rules", go back and try again. Your words were not bad, neither was the theme and I surely applause your attempt at an otherwise demanding style. Just edit, read, analyze, edit some more, have someone else read it to you out loud to make sure the beats are not being forced (don't correct their reading, just listen and where it sounds "wrong", change it so it sounds "right").

You have the will and heart of a good poet, just practice and this will be a very good Kyrielle. Oh, and before I forget, "teenage" poetry can sometimes be very good...it isn't age the makes the poet, it's desire, patience, vision and practice...some get better at an early age, some take a little longer.

Answer 2

Wow, before I even finished the first verse, I blacked out. When I came to and started to read it again, you guessed it, out like a lamp. The third time, I went straight to the second verse, but couldn't follow it, so had to read the first verse again, bad move. The next time I come to, if I do, I'll click my back button and get out of here.
I'm sure it is a good poem, I just can't handle it. Okay?