Wife Cheated and I can't Let it go.?

Question

I have been married to my wife for near on to 5 years now, last year we went through a very bad patch with money and during this time my wife cheated on me a few times on nights outs with her friends though she swears none of these times lead to sex just kisses, though I did find emails and txt messages from a couple of the guys that she was still in contact with. when I found out and confronted her we spilt up for a short while but got back together and she swore things would change I later found out she was still in contact with one guy (diffrent guy from the ones before) and after a weekend away with me she slept with him on the night we returned, I chose to forgive her and move on as I wasn't as model husband I never cheated on her but didn't give her the attention needed. we are currently together but not living together and its been a while but I can't forget what she never starts sex anymore and says she just isn't sexual person but she jumped into bed with another man.

cont.. I can't understand how she will jump into bed with another man and not be more sexual to me, we have both admitted there are areas of the realshionship we need to work on, and I have tried my hardest to improve, for me it was the sex thing, knowing what she did with another bloke (and I know details that made me feel inadequet as he was bigger and better and lasted longer - I suffer from premature Ejaciulation which is part of the reason I understand why she cheated) I am left needed to prove myself but she never initiates sex we do have it often but I am never left satisfied as I want so much more the sex is dul and boring and I want the oppurtunity to improve my perfomance but now I feel I am left in this other guys shadow and even though she won't cheat again, this I belive we have come along way emotionally and the experience improved parts of our realashionship I can't ge her to open up sexually to me and this is a bigger problem than ever after what happend, any help?

Answer 1

You may need to figure out exactly WHY you are staying married. Do you still love each other? Are you willing to go to counseling in order to get to the bottom of things? She cheated and you neglected... things that both can lead to the demise of any relationship. You talked about the sex aspect, but what about the love? The respect? The mutual understanding? If you are just hanging on to the marriage to find some kind of validation or apology from her for her dalliances, perhaps it is time to consider moving on. BUT, if you love this woman, and if you want to try to make it work, then you MUST let go of the anger and hurt she caused you. That is the only way you are going to heal as an individual, and as a partner in a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Leave her now. All of the behaviors you speak of are repetitive and she will continue them. There are women every where just looking for a devoted, loyal man. Find someone that will appreciate that from you. If she isn't living with you it's because she wants to run around with whoever, whenever she wants and still have you to run to when she's lonely and upset. You deserve better, way better than that. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and the worst pain is when they lie about a mental or emotional connection with someone else. Don't think for a second you aren't worth better. You should cut things off completely and start dating. Try those websites that are supposed to match you with someone compatible to prevent meeting other cheaters. If she gave you details about her cheating that's just horrible. I'm so sorry that a women would do that to you. I can guarantee you that with some faith and searching you could find another woman completely satisfied by you sexually. Not all women want the same things. For example, I don't like "love-making" most of the time. I have specific things I desire and most of them don't require long sessions. Some women understand that they have a responsibility to making it good for both of you too. Sounds like she expects you to bring all the fireworks and that's just wrong. It will completely worth it for you to move on.

Answer 3

I have had this problem too...I was in the military and my wife joined as well....she left for basic training and then went to tech school...well at tech school she made new friends, some of which were male. The first week we would talk on the phone every chance we got, second and third week we would talk a little less, and then there after we would talk like once a week...She would turn off her cell phone and not return my calls...I suspected that she was cheating and so I went out on a limb and told her that I knew that she was cheating, even though I really didn't know at all. She lied at first and then I told her that I had talked to some of her friends and they had told me everything, which I hadn't....she then came clean and said that she had had sex with a guy a couple of times and that she had made a mistake in marrying me. I thought I was going to die....After two months she finally came home, but kept on calling the other guy...we ended up getting marital help that didn't help and finally I called the guy and told him to stop messing with our marriage and made her do the same thing...we talked it out and we haven't had any problems since, but I still have issues with trust with her and our sex life isn't great...I know it's not really an answer to your question, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and that I have gone through the same thing..if you need to talk to someone I'm here for ya bro!

Answer 4

I am so sorry you had to deal with all of this- as a woman (married woman of 14 yrs) and former relationships, once a cheater, always a cheater- She is no longer attracted to you, if she can hop in other beds but give you an excuse, that right there in itself indicates loss of interest. If she was truly happy, she would be satisfied with what she had right there in her own home- lack of maturity is what this sounds like, self absorbed, wants to have fun still.
I would let go and move on- the trust is already gone in this relationship, as hard as it is to accept, it is probably too late- you may want to work things out, but it takes 2 to make it work and if she isn't willing to meet you half way then it is time to close the book on this chapter-
You sound like such a sweet guy and women would love to have a man like you, devoted and faithful, caring- you will find someone who truly appreciates your good qualities and love you for you.

Answer 5

The best way for you to "let it go" is to let her go. Once someone is unfaithful to you (and kissing other guys is one way of her being unfaithful) they will always be. When someone cheats, it becomes much easier for them to do it again, until it isn't a problem in their mind. The only problem to people like her is the problem of keeping you confused and unaware of what she's doing. Do yourself a favor. Once the magic is gone and the relationship becomes a labor, it may as well be trashed. Find someone new who legitimately cares about you. You aren't ever going to be happy with this woman again because you won't ever trust her.

I'm sure you're disappointed to lose your spouse, but don't punish yourself over it. It's not your fault. There is lots of inferior behavior out there and it's easy to be fooled when you're looking at a pretty face. Just be more careful when you get involved next time. Pay attention to the little details that may not seem important at the time, because they will be very important later.

Good luck.

Answer 6

This is a point in both of your lives when you each need to decide how important the relationship is to both of you. I think you should attend counseling to help yourselves answer that very question (if money is a problem, your church may be able to offer free or cheap services...just a thought). It's obvious that the relationship is important to you, but perhaps questionable to her. Most people go to counseling to save the relationship, but you need to find out if it's worth saving first. She hasn't shown herself to be trustworthy again yet, so I can't blame you for not letting go of the betrayal. If I were you, I would profess my love to her and explain to her that the two of you need some help. You need to know that the two of you are doing the right thing in trying to keep the relationship going. After telling her all of that, you can gently usher in the idea of counseling. You may very well find in the end how much you two really love each other and be able to move on. Best wishes.

Answer 7

Hi TJ -you'll never forget. From now on you'll always wondering is she's where she says she is, if she's in contact with "him" - will you trust her when she's out with friends. The old stand-by for marriage is counseling. I personally don't believe in it. I don't always condone walking away. So far you've said she's lied, then she was sneaky, then she topped things off with having an affair. I couldn't live my life always wondering what the other person is doing when I'm not around. Are they telling me the truth when I ask a question. You know the expression about life being short - well, there's a lot of truth to it. Don't be miserable. Find someone who can be faithful.

Answer 8

I wouldn't be able to understand why she's jump into bed with another guy either, hon. I truly think the deal buster in a marriage is betrayal, psychological and physical. If marriage is respect, admiration, passion and trust, for sure, you don't trust her, since she shared the passion with someone else. That, to me, would mean the admiration and respect are in the toilet too. Marriage takes work, and lots of consideration for the other, when sometimes you'd just rather not be considerate... but hey, sharing???? with someone else???? nope, don't think so. A good friend of mine is a sex therapist and marriage counselor.... 30 years in the business, and she shares all sorts of secrets with me... no names... but only 20 % of marriages with betrayal last more than 2 years, and that is with both in counseling, and both wanting to save it... One wanting to save it is worthless..

Why can't you let go? Pretty hard to get over your wife getting pronged by another guy.... why would you even want to.... ???? There are just toooo many lovely women out there who would love to have a faithful great guy.... Try Yahoo Personals...

Answer 9

I can understand why you can't get over it. I am not sure you should. Sounds like she wasn't sorry at all. She was just sorry she got caught. There is a huge difference. If she were sorry she would have ended contact with EVERYONE. Sounds to me like she is keeping you on the shelf just in case she doesn't find someone else to be with. I would walk away but that is a decision you have to make. You know her and I don't. I am basing my answer just on what you said. You know her as a person, but I doubt if you had full trust in her, you would be on here asking. Good Luck.

Answer 10

The question you should be asking yourself is: How many times am I going to get kicked in the balls before I learn to block the kick.

Divorces are a terrible, horrible experience. But far more terrible and horrible is living the rest of your life with a cheating wife.

Accept the fact that you cannot change her. Also, she is right, she will change. We all change over time... but once a cheater, always a cheater.