My husband doesnt want to move house, what shall I do?

Question

We have been in our present home for nearly 10 years, I dislike the town we are in and have never truly settled here. We have a disabled son and a teenage daughter. My mother and brothers live 20 miles away and I want to move back to this town where my husband and I met and were brought up - its our roots. My husband is not budging one bit - he refuses to go backwards, for him it is, for me its forwards. Its a busier town, feel so comfortable with the people, we have friends there and family. He doesnt want to uproot our daughter's school, she is 13, nor do I but I have been so unhappy for years and I can't take much more living here. We are arguing alot and the strain is taking its toll on all of us. How can I make him see that we need a support network around us, I have struggled for so long caring for our son and I need help with him and my husband obviously has to work. We have been married 20 years. Thanks

Just to add our son is going into 4 nights a week residential school come September as he has severe autism. He will be home weekends and holidays as we still want to be very much a family. Yes I have been very ill with depression for many years now and I am not feeling any better. Hubby dotes on the children, adores them and we love each other dearly but we can't carry on like we are. For several years I have been saying I want to move back but have backed down every time......

Answer 1

I honestly can't tell you what to do Ali, but you're in need of and entitled to some help...or YOU are going to be ill yourself. Don't you have support workers...? Is your daughter adamant that she wont move school, after all, at 13 she has plenty of time to settle into chosen subjects and relocate....and as for hubby, well, he may work, but he really ought to notice how much strain you are under and take some responsibility with your son...tired or not.

Maybe little bits of what others advise might all patch together so that in some way, we have helped you move forward together. Wishing you well , Ali, hope someone hears your pleas for help. You need to be heard not overlooked for the sake of others.

Answer 2

Why should 20 miles make a difference? I have a disabled son and live 80 miles away from family and two years ago I lived 1200 miles away from family. 20 miles and you're arguing about it? choose your battles wisely. Have you asked your husband why he doesn't want to be closer to family? Maybe someone in the family gets on his last nerve. Maybe he wants to be seen as not depending on the family so much for support. Maybe he HATES the town he grew up in. Could be a mixture of anything but one thing is for sure. If you need help with your boy or like the town better 20 miles away then gather up your boy and spend time with family there just visiting. Spend the weekend there off and on. Whatever makes you feel better. I can completely understand your husband not wanting to uproot a 13 year old! What a nightmare! I'm sorry honey but I don't think uprooting your family for 20 miles up the road isn't a great option.

Answer 3

I don't know, but you haven't said much about why he wants to stay where you are other than your daughter's schooling.
I apologise if it's because it was too complicated to go into on answers, but maybe you should weigh up what it is that makes him want to stay.
Also consider why you are looking to move after ten years, are there any new issues that you haven't mentioned? Maybe you could find the support you need locally. You say you have struggled for so long. Could your husband give more support so that you could have time for your own interests? Is there any more support you can get for your son? Have you tried social services/voluntary groups?
Both make a list of the pros and cons for each of you for moving and staying. What about your children? What do they think? Agree not to argue but you and your husband discuss your priorities.

Answer 4

I'm young and I've never been married but I know exactly what your talking about. I live two towns away from most of my family and it bothers me. Family is very important for everyone. Your daughter could be better off having other family she can speak to when she needs to. You obviously need the emotional support of family and friends in that area when you are taking care of your son. Maybe your husband is ashamed to be there where people he knows can see his family or living standards. There is some reason he sees your home town as a step down and if he's unwilling to even discuss this with you then he's not compromising like a spouse should. Explain to him that his refusal is tearing your partnership up and you can't be the one always giving in and putting up with it. You've been there for ten years and that means you've been compromising with his desires for 10 years. Stand up for what you want. Your instincts are trustworthy, choose action that is in line with your gut, it's always right.

Answer 5

You need to think about your daughters school life. 13 is a vulnerable age to be uprooted & made to start anew. Couldn't you reassess the situation in 3 or 4 years time when she leaves school? Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for our children & put our feelings & wants on hold.
I agree with your husband

Reading through your question again, I tend to think that moving home isn't the issue here. You're not happy about your lot in life. Maybe you feel burdened alone. You should explain everything & pour out your feelings about how you feel to your husband. Moving house won't make your problems go away, it'll only add to your burden. Think about your daughter first & before you know it she will have left school & you can reassess your life & your husband might change his mind

Answer 6

I definately see the man's point of view..20 miles is what a 15 minute drive? Why move from a house you've been living in 10 years just to be 15 minutes away? That makes no sense. They can drive out to you and you can drive out to them seriously this is really silly. It might be reasonable if it was maybe 5+ more hours away. But a 15 minute drive anybody could make ya....

Answer 7

Is there a town that you could move to that is closer to the town where you two met (like the next town over)? That way you could be closer to family and friends but not right in the town...so it would be a good compromise.

Write out a list of Pro and Cons to moving and show it to your husband and see if he wants to add to the list and then discuss it with him.

Tell him that you will do the work of selling the old house and looking for the new one.

Hope this is helpful.

Answer 8

What a situation here!! frustration beyond belief i think. You need to get your heads together and write down all the pro's and con's of the situation, explain your feelings that staying there you will end up parting anyway!! It's not easy i have been through something similar a few years ago, i had to go and she didn't want to!!

Answer 9

It sounds like your lines of communication are not functioning all that well.
Do you know why he feels moving to your roots is a move backwards? Does he know how strongly you feel about where you live now?

Is there a compromise possible? Have you considered counseling, (sometimes a ref can be helpful).

Answer 10

Ask yourself this:

What is more important:

A peaceful marriage in the town you're in.

Or

Badgering your husband, who does not want to move, until you split and screw the WHOLE family up that way instead.