I posted this earlier as a challenge (I'll put the form below if you are not familiar with it--I wasn't before I wrote it). I got a good critique from Willow which made me think about one line that didn't work. I played around with it a bit--and came up with this change. Please let me know what you think?
Desolate
Sit down beneath this dark and awful moon.
Watch as the tide slides back beyond the shore.
Feel for the loss that struck me much to soon,
As you passed through, beyond that final door.
Brought to my knees,
A bent sick tree,
Willows whisper
Behind the clouds.
Thoughts hazy, your face is a fleeting dream.
Smell of your form evokes such subtle pain.
Ache burns beneath my skin—invades my mind.
Sit down beneath this dark and awful moon.
____________________________________
DORSIMBRA
Stanza One: Four lines of Shakespearean sonnet (iambic pentameter rhymed abab).
Stanza Two: Four lines of short and snappy free verse.
Stanza Three: Four lines of iambic pentameter blank verse, where the last line repeats the first line of Stanza One.
2007-07-25 09:57:22 · 8 answers · asked by Todd 7 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Please forgive the typo in line 3: to should be too. No matter how much you proofread sometimes they just slip through.
2007-07-25 10:15:11 · update #1
Todd, all in all a very good write. Here's a few more suggestions:
revise
"Smell your form evokes such subtle pain
ache burns beneath my skin-invades my mind."
to read:
"The smell of your skin evokes such subtle pain
and burns beneath my bones-invades my mind"
that way you'd get the "s" and "b" alliterations and the lines might read more naturally. Just a suggestion.
Otherwise, it was polished and looked pretty darn good!
2007-07-29 19:22:26 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Todd, I like this poem. I feel as though you worry too much about the structure of the poem and perhaps not enough about the emotional imagery. This may somewhat hinder your creativity. Just a thought. Personally, I hate structure in writing...though it is of course important. You are talented ^.^
2007-07-26 17:44:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
U have got a great talent about which i came to know the very 1st time i read ur poem.its a nice piece.Great work !
2007-07-27 05:33:02 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a really lovely poem and it sounds very shakespearian at most,,thanks for sharing it; it was really nice,
2007-07-25 17:42:06 · answer #4 · answered by Cami lives 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although I haven't seen your previous entry (actually, maybe I have) I think it is just plain awsome.
2007-07-25 17:13:06 · answer #5 · answered by Anthony C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's wonderful. Todd. I do like this better.
2007-07-25 21:42:28 · answer #6 · answered by Cinnibuns 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This was amazing. Very good!
2007-07-25 17:20:40 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I loved it, very good.
2007-07-25 21:47:02 · answer #8 · answered by IslandOfApples 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋