Is my wife lazy, or do I expect too much?

Question

As background, I work, and my wife does not. She goes to school part time, but is currently between semesters. Married 10 years. I recently started a new position where I work from home 4 days a week. Since I'm home, I've gotten a new perspective on what happens here when I'm working.

We have 3 kids, all under 6. The kids pretty much occupy themselves all day. Video games, TV, puzzles, books, whatever. Mom doesn't do a whole lot of interacting. They often come to me in the home office for stuff. It seems like my wife doesn't do much. I make breakfast in the morning 90% of the time. I make lunch 75% of the time. We do dinner together.

When I go downstairs during the workday, she is on her computer or watching soaps. She does the laundry. She tidies up when it gets bad (not confused with CLEANING) or when I say something. The house has been mopped twice in the last year - once by me. I agreed to buy this house new so she could have exactly what she wanted in it, and it's going to hell.

Please don't suggest I hire a maid, I can't afford that. I spend every penny on this house, and don't have any extra money for that.

Also, before you call me lazy, keep in mind that I vacuum, mow lawns, cook, clean stuff when it needs to be done, and do the "man" stuff around the house. In addition to trying to be a good dad. Sure, I have my Lazy-Boy moments, but I get what needs to be done DONE.

All I'm asking is - is it too much to expect my wife to spend, say, an hour each day cleaning the house. Not **** and span, but a dusting here and there, a vacuum upstairs once a week, maybe clean the bathrooms every so often?

Thanks for all the answers. Some additional comments to some of the answers.

1. She's not depressed. Don't want to go into how I know, but I know.

2. To the person who said there's no way the kids can occupy themselves. If you don't want to believe it, OK, that's cool. Sure, they ask for something to drink, or to get shoes on to go outside to play on the swingset, but overall, they occupy themselves.

3. To the person that said she did all the hard work when the kids were babies. Nice assumption, but I was there, in the trenches when I wasn't working, driving to or from work for 2 hours each way.

4. I'm on my work computer in my office, she has a laptop. That I bought her. With money I make. When I'm at work. Because the one I bought her before that died.

5. She is in school so she can get a job. Once she starts working, clearly I don't expect her to do as much around the house. Of course, then we'll be able to afford someone to come clean.

Type on number 5 above. She CAN'T get a job right now.

Oh yeah, much appreciation to those who assume that I'm a jerk who never notices when she does something. I always say how nice the kitchen / bathroom / livingroom look when she cleans them.

I even tried putting together a structured schedule to help her out (including time for her). She opened that door by commenting that she felt like she didn't do enough - so she recognizes it. When I gently broached the subject, she got pretty upset.

On weekends, I always let her sleep as late as she wants at least one day, and go out if she wants. I also take the whole family out at least once, usually twice a week.

Answer 1

Ok.. keep in mind that I am a woman and am right there with ya... I stay at home with our two ... soon to be 3... kids and my hubby works. He is an excellent provider. I was raised by conservative much older parents who believed that the womans place was in the home.

My opinion.... your wife is being lazy.... ahhhh... but let me explain.
Don't buy into the depression crap... ya it is true sometimes but I really think, from much personnal experience in this field, that depression is just a way to drug up the woman and that causes many more probs down the road.
I have the same prob your wife does... as does my sister. My sis and I have very different hubbys. It isn't that I am depressed... I just find it ultra hard to be 'super mom'. Let me define.... to me super mom is the mom I have trouble being. Super mom is the mom who just naturally has energy and motivation to do all these great things with her kids. She never turns on the tv or computer and is just ... well... super.
But... heres the rub... my hubby doesnt let me get away with it. My sisters on the other hand does. They have been married for over 20 yrs... she has never worked, and to this day doesn't clean.. she has her grown kids come over to help her clean, and they end up doing it all!
Now, I am younger and so my kids aren't grown yet. I have been with my hubby for 15 yrs. When we got together, after about 6 months, I introduced him to my sis... he said during a casual conversation after we left that 'ya know... that crap won't fly with me'. Over the coarse of the years,we have had 'stand offs' where he won't clean, so I won't clean and it goes on... but he has more staying power and I eventually would clean. Then after 5 yrs, we had our first kid. Ya... I really led him to believe that I was running from dusk til dawn, but I was really doing what your wife is. He too found out one day and put his foot down. He would make lunch for the kids (2 now) and not me. He would do laundry.. but not mine. He stopped buying things... he shut off the cable at one point. He also locked the computer. On most computers you can set them where when it comes on, it will only run for 'X' amount of time during 24 hours. I was young at the time... but he saw what catering to that attitude was doing to by bro in law and as he said 'this won't fly with him'. He is a very loving man, and a wonderful provider.
Some might think that this is treating the woman as a child... well again as my hubby says 'walks like a duck, quacks like a duck'. If your wife is going to be lazy then she is acting childish and in some cases if you treat her as such she will change. BTW... my hubby has never yelled at me or struck me. This is really a respect issue for him. He respects me enough to provide for me unyieldingly and therefore expects me to do my fair share at home. And... he does help out alot... but I am primarily the one doing all the chores.
Now... I have to say that raising kids is a full time job. As my kids get older I have homework and sports and church functions..... During the school year I DO hit the floor running and go until about 8pm. But I have been guilty of just what your wife is doing. Don't let her walk all over you. If you pick up her slack.. she will never do it. My bro-in-law still gets up at 5am, goes to work, comes home at about 8pm (have to wonder why he works so late, hmmm) and makes my sis dinner and cleans the house and does her honey do list until about 12 am. She has her own account that he deposits money into so she has spending money. I have even seen him drive home from work to bring her cigarettes and soda pop and turn around and go back to work, taking his entire hour lunch and sometimes more to do so... all because she doesn't want to have to drive to go get it- three blocks away!!
I would suggest having a calm (calm as your wife will allow) conversation with her letting her know that 'this isn't going to fly with you'. As a short term deterent (because I don't know your wife, but for me the quickest way to piss my hubby off is to hit him in the pocket book) go to the bank and open an account for just you... have the majority of your check put in there and put enough in the joint account to cover bills and food. AFTER you do that go to her and let her know that you love her and that is why you need to put your foot down. Let her know what you feel she is doing is disrespectful and that you will no longer cater to her. I hate to say it but if you can, put your kids in day care for part of the day so they are not sedentary at home and let her know how disappointed you are that you have to do that because she isn't stepping up. Let her know that if she can't respect what you do for your family, then you will not be 'doing it for her' any longer. Such as meals and laundry. Tell her this is a team effort and until she is on board then she can take care of herself. My hubby would even call from work and give about 10min notice that he was bringing home company because he knew I would get the house in order because my biggest pet peave is for people to see my house messy.
You don't have to be mean about it, just don't let her get away with it. You don't need pills and counselors to solve this one.

And for those who freak out on my answer.... you must be just like us. There is a real problem in America today where woman think they should have their cake and eat it too. Where is the anger toward these wives who walk all over their hubbys. Why should he have to do ALL the work!! Your wife will probably not respond well to this, but if you stick to it she will sooner than later and she will respect you a lot more. Men need to seriously grow backbones in our society today. If she isn't working, then she needs to step up. That simple... lol... some of us just need that lil push!

We are all human and we all push boundaries, especially if they are not clearly defined. If you don't draw a line she will take advantage, by nature. A piece of advice if you choose to take the above suggestions... stay calm at all times. My bro-in-law has tried asserting himself over the years and he yells, probably because he is so fed up, and it just fires her up more and then they both look like asses by the end. My hubby doesn't raise his voice. He tells it like it is, like it or not. Over time I have really grown to respect him... kind of like when they say if you want respect you have to give it. He has always shown me respect by caring for me and never yelling. But he says what he means, and means what he says... period. He is a rock. Because of that mentality I respect him sooo much. I trust that what he says he means and is not just trying to upset me with belittling or yelling because he is upset. I still have trouble during the summer months when we have less of a schedule, but he is unyielding. He will help out to a point, but he would never 'do it all'....he works and deserves to come home to a clean house and food (not always the best gourmet in town).
I really hope that it works out for you whatever you choose to do. Just let your wife know what your boundaries are and stick to them.
Good Luck!!! I hope this helped!!!

As a side note for those nay sayers.... my hubby is not controlling. He respects me enough to do things I ask of him (like mowing the lawn and rearranging furniture while I supervise because I was bored with the room how it was)... why shouldn't it work both ways. I just think in this society woman are groomed to dig in their heels and demand that the man roll over and 'do it all'. How can that be fair to the guy?? The only answer is for men to not be door mats and let the woman walk all over him.

Answer 2

Maybe she is just BORED!! You are expecting her to get off her lazy bum and clean house, its not the most motivational response to someone that is clearly dissatisfied with a life of cleaning, tidying and raising your 3 kids.What else does she do. Does she go out with you or friends? Perhaps she needs to have a little fun and adventure in her life. Who was she before she married you and had kids? Sounds like having kids has sucked her identity into a vacuum of boredom and she just needs a little motivation to get her back in the swing of attending to everyone Else's needs. Babies are incredibly hard work and 3 children under the age of 6 must leave her feeling tired and exhausted, despite you thinking the contrary. If you were that involved with them, you would know how much work is involved in bringing them up. You sound resentful and angry towards her, perhaps you should spend more time together, as you kind of sound like you are talking about a house maid not the woman that you fell in love with and decided to spend the rest of your life with.
Maybe you could do a week in each others shoes so you can appreciate what each other is bringing to the family. Would you want to stay at home, dressing, bathing, cleaning, washing and feeding 3 kids and a husband for the foreseeable future?? Help her get a life that is more interesting.

Answer 3

I think it would be hard to have 3 children under the age of six. If you're in your office working, how do you know exactly what she's doing with the kids unless you're watching her every minute. And if that's the case, you may need to give her space back. If things look fine, and everything is getting taken care of, what is the problem? I once knew a woman who said that her husband told her that all he cared about was that she enjoyed the kids all day. The house could wait because the kids don't stay kids forever. If she is using her Mom time as her "me" time, maybe you could suggest a different time frame for her. Don't set it up for her, get her to give the input or it sounds like you're being her boss. But say the kids may do better on a structured day. Then when when she needs her own time.....she can have it with no interuptions. You take the kids somewhere so she can be completely without distraction and can enjoy uninterupted time as long as she devotes the rest of the time to kids and family. Just a suggestion.

Answer 4

I am too am a stay at home mom of 3 under 6 and I would have to say she is more than likely depressed. if you don't have a network of friends that have the same life as you (being stay at home or part timers) you can easily fall into depression......but then again I do know that there are a LOT of lazy women and men out there......that get so use to being at home allllll the time you just give up....

My suggestion if you 100% believe it is not depression 100%%%%% back off and stop doing so much and make her understand how much you do. I personal do 80% of everything because being a stay at home mom is MY JOB.... the other 20% is on the weekends when he helps and it works great for us He brings home the bacon and I clean and spend it =)

Answer 5

Your a good man..so you need to give yourself a pat on the back...I'm glad to see you don't have that stoneage man mentality...Anyway, I think your wife is a little lazy. You are well within your rights to feels that she should do more around the house especially because she doesn't work and your willing to help out. I would suggest you having a talk with her. However, please do it in a way where you are not putting her down. I would hate for this to turn into an argument. I would suggest you and her both agree on a day once a week that you and her both clean the house thoroughly. Once she gets in the habit of cleaning you may be free to cut back and let her take over.

Answer 6

She sounds extremely LAZY!
I work from home AND keep the place spotless. I sometimes get ticked off at my hubby for not helping around as much...but then again, he's under a LOT of stress at work and I'm not.

I vacuum every other day, clean (And I mean clean, not just "tidy" up) out the three bathrooms and three bedrooms regularly, do all the laundry, shop for groceries, make sure all the finances are in order, make any necessary apt.'s for us( doc., dental,etc...) make him breakfast, pack his lunch, and usually I'll have dinner going when he comes home (I like to cook and try out new recipes). I sometimes feel I do TOO much, and maybe I do...but he appreciates me and always lets me know it, he's a great guy.

I start my day with a workout, so I'm in pretty good shape...maybe that's why I have so much energy!

I'm sorry, but your wife sounds like she's fat and lazy...........make her contribute to the household in one way or the other!
I do both....bring home the bacon and cook it too!

Answer 7

Yes, no offense, but she does sound a bit lazy. First of all, kids should not be cooped up in the house all day playing video games and watching TV. I'm sure they only do this because they are following your wife's example. Encourage your wife to take the kids out once in a while, to the zoo, the park, out to lunch, etc. to get them out of the house. I personally think she should be cleaning more too, considering you are providing all of the income. Just ask her nicely that you'd appreciate it if she helped out a bit more with the cooking and cleaning. If you ask her nicely, I don't see any reason why she would object. Good luck.

Answer 8

I spend quite a bit of time throughout the day on the computer, but more so taking care of our 3 kids and cleaning. Our house doesn't look like it though, I wish there was a way to get my kids to help me keep it clean. I also mow the yard, take the garbage out and most of the man stuff. My husband works out of state all week. He does nothing on the weekends so I am left to keep on doing all of the housework including the man stuff. She is lazy.

Answer 9

Whether or not she is lazy is not for anyone on the outside to say.
However, I believe that you and the Mrs. must spend some time renegotiating home responsibilities. if you don't, in my opinion you risk sitting on time bomb of resentment that may explode when your displeasure reaches a critical mass.
Be objective and don't point blaming fingers. As well, it might be a help to schedule this talk for a time when you're not around the house. In my experience expectations between spouses may differ greatly where this issue is concerned. Best I think to get it out on the table before much more time elapses.

Answer 10

She needs motivation. Maybe instead of nagging her, the both of you should sit down and make out a plan. Make a dinner menu for every night of the week. A schedule for laundry, buying groceries, playing with the children. Then sometime for her to have some alone time and you to have some alone time, also set time for you two to together.
Some women also have depression after having so many little ones at home. She might need to see a doctor.

Answer 11

Do not feel bad ok,My" Ex Wife did the same thing "
I Loved her very much and when I bought my house my mortgage was 1000 mthhs plus all the others bills we had.I did work 7day's a week and she was going to the beach every week-end..Yes she took good care of my daugther and was a good Mom.If had someone coming over to visit she would take of and live me alone.I had to clean the house and had to cook for my visitors while she was at the beach getting a SUN TAN..Do I have to say anymore to you.
Good luck to you,who knows maybe you will find a way to this nightmare