What do you think about this situation?

Question

We have been married for three years. Each year I have asked my husband about having kids. He said he really wants kids, but doesn't think we get along well enough to have them at this time. He doesn't feel that we will provide the proper environment. We do argue a lot, but mostly because of things he has done (cheating, porn, lying, etc.). Yes, I contribute to the problems because I am the type of person that cannot let something go. I have to beat things in the ground. He also accuses me of wanting to do all of the talking and no listening. I do have a habit of butting in when he's talking. Not intentional, but it's a habit that needs to be broken. I am in counseling trying to deal with all these issues. I was diagnosed with PCOS many years ago, and have never been pregnant. I know that when it's God's timing I will, however, the doctor suggests we use fertility drugs to help me ovulate. Everytime I mention it he says he doesn't feel any different about the situation.

Okay, I can understand that. He has contributed to most of the major problems, so I guess he would want to make sure everything is straight with us before having kids. It’s been about six months since I asked him about this, so I asked him today. I sent him a text message. He replied and basically said he feels no different about the issue than he did before. I told him I understood but I think we should work toward a goal of having kids. Whatever it is that needs to be done to make both of us comfortable with trying to have kids, we need to discuss it. He never really replied to that. Everytime I try to approach him like that about any of our issues, he says he doesn’t know what can be done. But why stay in a relationship if you have problems but nobody is willing to sit down and figure out how to solve the problems so you can move on? If we’re too disfunctional to have kids, let’s find out why and let’s improve it and when each thing is accomplished then let’s get started.

I want to have something to look forward to for the future. If he can never commit to anything then what am I supposed to? I cannot live in limbo anymore. Each time I have talked to him about having kids it's kind of like, we have too many issues going on and a child would make it worse. Okay, maybe you're right ... so let's work on that and then when we get things right let's try to have a child. But it seems as if he is content with just letting thing linger and then one day when HE decides that he's ready, I guess I'm supposed to be on board.

Answer 1

i listened to you and read alot of your answers/questions too,and i realize i only get your side of the story ,but it seems your hubby is not committed to you in all the ways he should be,he doesn't want to bring kids into this relationship because hes not sure he will stay ,hes just buying time for you to make the decision to split so he doesn't look like the bad guy,but he already is in my book...while your waiting to see what the out come is you need to get your self ready to tackle the world on your own ,he wont be there to protect you or be at your side,why would you want to bring children into this marriage,seems your doing all the work to make it work,whats he doing ? sweetie ,move on

Answer 2

Good for him for not wanting to bring a child into such an unhealthy relationship. You're right, you both need counseling to work out your issues before considering having children, but he's not willing to get counseling, so there's your answer.

You shouldn't bring kids into an unhealthy marriage, you can't help your marriage become healthy if your husband's not willing to work on it, so therefore, you shouldn't have kids. It's up to you whether or not you're willing to stay in the marriage with the hopes that it will improve someday.

Answer 3

I agree with you. Communication is the most important thing here. If he's not willing or ready to even discuss the 'planning stages' (which means you could be trying to conceive later on and not right at this moment) that can be very frustrating.

You should ask him flat out if he ever intends to have kids. Is this an issue right now or is it an issue for the length of your marriage? My husband didn't want to discuss having children either (financial issues) but I finally said to him that we needed to set some goals. "We don't have to pop them out tomorrow, but are you with me or are you not?" He said he was, and we were able to have small, bite-sized conversations about babies. Just try having smaller conversations about it and work up to the core of the issue.

Best of luck to you ((hugs))

Answer 4

Wait until he is ready and you two have your issues worked out, that is not fair to bring a baby into an environment where you two argue.. and it could lead to divorce. I hope it all works out. And I hope he changes, sounds like he has a lot of personal issues he needs to work on. That is something your husband should not be doing, especially lying. I too am going through some issues with mine, but the situation is different. Good luck hun!

Answer 5

It sounds to me like your husband is really scared to be a dad and is just using these so-called problems as a cop-out to delay the family. This may be also why he wont discuss the problems as he knows these problems arent really problems but an excuse. All marriages have problems and most take care of themselves, but an unwanted pregnancy can cause a whole new set of huge problems and challenges in any marriage,sohe may be right in wanting the relationship to be on more solid grounds for that reason. Good luck

Answer 6

I think you two should move on. He sounds like he can't commit to you (cheating, porn, lying), so you need to find someone who will. You aren't in the same mind frame and you don't want the same kind of relationship. You may love him, but trust me having kids is one of the most satisfying feelings for a woman. You need to find a man that will be true to you, be willing to work things out, and wants to have children. If you don't move on soon, you will regret it.

Answer 7

Ok, this is a no brainer.

LEAVE HIM! And FAST!

Do you want your life to be like it is currently... FOREVER???

I was married to a cheating porn addict for 11 years, and believe me, it never gets better, only WORSE! I had 2 children with him, and then he tried to take them from me because he didn't want to give me any money to raise them.

Don't waste your time or yourself on someone who is not willing to waste their time on you. He doesn't sound like a very nice guy or that it is a very good marraige anyway. Maybe he's having an affair?

My best advice is to leave now. You're still young and can be with someone else that will love and adore ONLY YOU and want to have beautiful babies with you!

Good luck :o)

PS~ The reason I finally got the balls to leave him is because I found out he was entering my MOM & sisters room at night after I went to bed and fondling them when we were on vacation!!!!! Don't let it get that bad... please!

Answer 8

Are you soooo miserable in your marriage that you have to bring a young defenseless soul into this messed up situation!

Why don't you do what your husband has already told you and get your mess straight between each other before bringing in another life and destroying that life with your existing problems. Or get a divorce.

It's not that complicated,you're just being selfish, no wonder why he has a girl friend on the side.

Answer 9

1) Do you babble on like that to him? If so, stop.

2) If you want kids and he doesn't, move on. That is a definitive dealbreaker. Do not wait until it's too late, like me.

3) If he is unwilling to fix some of the problems, it's not all your problem. It takes two, no matter what anyone says. I really think you should prioritize and see what you come up with.

Answer 10

Why would you want to have kids with an unfaithful porn addict?

He will not change as a matter of fact, he will be worse. Find a real relationship. Some on who respects you.